A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
“Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
“Well my mother has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
Smoking whilst driving will attract a fine for “careless driving”.
Police currently enforce most careless-driving offences by issuing a warning with no further action, but government plans revealed yesterday will give them the power to issue fixed-penalty tickets.
Last one on the list.
Now I’ve been lighting up cigarettes whilst at the wheel for more years than I can remember. It’s completely second nature to me. I do it without taking my off the road for a second.
And before someone at the back shouts out that you must have both hands on the wheel. That’s bollocks.
Have you never changed the radio station, switched the lights or windscreen wipers on? Do you never change gear?
Just another little money earner for the government coffers.Or just paving the way for no smoking in cars?
We’re getting buffeted by the media and politicians about terrible images being shown to the children. We all seem have to behave to some mythical norm, dictated to us by the Nanny State.
Well my childhood was never risk free either. As you can see from the picture below.
Now do I get some sympathy?
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): „ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting „ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."
Editor’s note: Smoking is nearly banned on ships, drinking is limited, working at height regulations, border on the ridiculous. Rules of engagement don’t allow the commanding officer to make a timely decision. and a blind eye is turned on sodomy.
*Dedicated to Captain Haddock. With special thanks to David Wheeler who made this post possible*
BANG.
At least 100 officers surrounded Richard Jablonski's home after someone called police to say he had a gun.
Following the siege in January Mr Jablonski was arrested and charged with possessing an imitation firearm with intent to cause fear of violence.
I presume Mr Jablonski is an international terrorist, with an arsenal of machine guns, rocket launchers, and other sundry artillery.
Then again I would be wrong.
But the case against him was dropped after it was accepted the 38-year-old was actually holding a bottle of the household cleaning product during the incident.
It took 100 Officers to ascertain that fact!
Read the full story HERE.
And you have to love some of the comments
My last attempt was like trying to commit suicide. Here’s the way to do it. I don’t know why I never tried this before. This method was sent to me lately.
1. Put both lids of the lavatory up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the lavatory and close the lid.
You may need to stand on the lid
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the lavatory, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the lavatory three or four times, this provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the lavatory as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the lavatory, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the lavatory and the cat will be sparkling clean..
Yours sincerely,
The Dog !!
