Grand parents in the digital age.

I’m setting this up as we speak.

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home but,please Leave your message after you hear the beep.

beeeeeppp ....

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want to borrow the car, press 3

If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home,

press 7

If you want to come to eat here, press 8

If you need money,press 9 (Ed. No. You’ve had enough of that already)

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theatre,start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?

(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them… They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM! (Ed. That’s me)

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog. ( No dog, but I can blame the cats).

Doctor’s advice heeded here

 

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx

Hic!

Unbelievable

A week or so ago I wrote this letter to my NHS Primary Care Trust. Reproduced below is the reply I received on why my notes were not at my surgery and why I had been de-registered from the practice.

Note the reason quoted “Patient works on ships”.

That would mean that if I had chosen to start my career in 2004, by my simple maths, and allowing for 40 years of service. I would have to have registered with the practice 80 times.

Unbelievable.

UPDATE:

I received this.

Dear Mr Filthy Engineer

Thank you for your e mail regarding the removal of your name from your doctor’s list.

As you will appreciate, our Agency has no option but to comply with the NHS Regulations in the case of patients who are not resident in the UK. 

However, you may wish to contact the NHS West Kent Primary Care Trust’s Customer Service department on 0800 0 850 850 if you wish to discuss your concerns with a member of the helpline staff.  If you prefer you can e mail them at customerservices@wkpct.nhs.uk

Kind regards

Sylvia May

My reply.

Dear Sylvia,

I thank you for your reply. On that basis I should be able to reclaim my NIC's from 2004 onwards if I was deemed to be non resident in the UK by yourselves.

Regards
The Filthy Engineer

Second hand smoke will not kill you. By an anti smoker.

It’s nice to see reason prevail. I’m too used to a hate environment promulgated by the likes of ASH with their denormalisation  agenda. I suppose some sanctimonious twat will try to ban smoking in cars next. Jeeez, they have thought of that.

Three Bears

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl It is empty.

'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.

'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,

'For God's sake, how many times do I have  to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants.

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence,
listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET.

How to control unruly behaviour in the classroom

Firstly we have Brazil. Hurling is good.

Next we have Egypt. A good slapping works every time.

The last is the best, from the good old USA. I do think that she missed.

If I could find one from the UK, I would. I suspect it would be one of a pupil knifing the teacher.

It’s been a long time….

Since I’ve held a new-born baby.

My first Grandchild is the first baby I’ve held in my arms for over 25 years. When you look down on such a small bundle of innocence, you really begin to marvel at the perfection of such a small being.

However it also got me thinking of what his life will be like in the future.

Firstly, will he be safe from the obtrusive nanny state that seems to consider all parents are child beaters, until otherwise proven?

Will he be given a decent education, sufficient to give him at least a chance to get ahead in his world of today?

If he does, and excels, will his parents be able to help him to afford crippling university fees?

Burdened with these fees. Will he ever be able to accrue enough money for a deposit on a property?

Will he be saddled with more debt, run up by useless politicians, that, if I had my way, would all be strung up. All 650 of them.

Will he drink, smoke, and generally enjoy life? Or will he denounce his grandad to the thought police, as a subversive blogger of ill repute who is making trouble for the government and their quangos? (Mind you, my kids think I’m nuts  for blogging anyway. I do say to them that they’re not forced to follow this blog. Do children listen?).

Will he be living in a yurt heated by goat droppings, because the 1,000,000 bird mincers built in the early 21st century have all broken due to old age and catastrophic failure?

I really don’t know. (If I was that good at reading the runes teabags the future I’d have won the lottery and retired to Cannes.

What is in store for Aiden? (That’s his name in case you’re wondering).

You tell me. I’m off for a drink and a smoke. (Champagne and a cigar).

PS. I must stop writing serious posts. It degrades this blog.

Cooking the IPCC way.

 

Official rules of Bedroom Golf.................

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Remember them