Mrs FE is cuckoo

Here’s her sorry tale of attempted deception.

“The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told FE that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the G & Ts went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing  FE would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning FE asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

Ups and Downs. The sequel

 

Here I posted the Ups and Downs my family has had in the year, so far. It hasn’t ended it would seem.

Down:

My bloody central heating boiler has packed up today!!

Never trust a sailor

 

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

Fracking Hell

I’ve just watched this from the Ecoloon website of Frack off. It’s another example of the fringe of lunatics who are against any advancement in energy production. Watch the film first. (DISCLAIMER: The Author of this blog is not liable for any vomit that might ruin your keyboard).

At approximately  three minutes in we have a professor moaning that they are building hundreds of gas pads. No one seems to mind about the thousands of bird mincers that are to be built?

Then at four minutes in we have the hoary old chestnut about drinking water being contaminated. Listen to the old dear at 4.52. Anyone would think that she is having neat diesel fuel coming out of her tap.

The “organic farmer” feels put upon as well. (There must be a “Think of the Cheeeeldren” soon)

Not so.

No one knows how much of these chemicals are being used by any given driller. We do know that fracking fluid is composed of less than one percent of the chemicals in this list, with water and sand making up the other 99 percent.

When fracking fluid is pumped into the ground, the vertical hole down which it’s pumped is lined with concrete to protect surface water supplies from chemicals. The fracking fluid goes down some 5,000 feet to where it’s used to help break rock apart releasing the natural gas, and then most of the fluid is pumped back out again and carted away where it’s treated at a regulated and approved facility. For the fluid that stays behind, it’s down some 5,000 feet. That’s almost a mile of solid rock between where it sits and surface water supplies (which are located at about 300 feet). There’s no way any of that fluid will “seep up” into water supplies. And remember that most fluid is pumped back out again. So less than one percent of the fluid are chemicals from this list, and most of that comes out again, leaving behind a very very small amount of chemicals a mile below the surface and heavily diluted by water and sand.

Compare the list below with the labels on the containers under your kitchen and bathroom sinks. You’ll find some of the same names on the labels. ¹

At minute 5.25 we get the hoary old chestnut of flaming taps. Debunked here.

The Truth about Gasland ²

Gasland is a ‘documentary’ film by Josh Fox that claims to tell the truth about unconventional gas development and the hydraulic fracturing process. However, the film is riddled with inaccuracies and misleading statements.

Many of the claims made in the film have been proven false by a variety of independent organisations. Some of the more detailed rebuttals can be found at the links below.

Links

• America’s Natural Gas Alliance
  Provides a video rebuke to the claims made in Gasland. The video can also be found on True blue natural gas.
• Colorado Oil & Gas Commission
  Information on COGCC investigations into complaints from landowners.
• Energy In Depth
  The Gasland Debunked factsheet shows the myths and realities behind the film.
• Huffington Post
  Bill Shireman, CEO of The Future 500, talks about how misleading the public with regards to unconventional gas is bad for the environmental community.

Of course as you will see at approximately 8.45 we will be imperilled with those tanker trucks loaded with chemicals that will kill all life on the planet as we know it, all crashing and burning. (Alright I’m exaggerating a touch).

Oh Noes. It gets worse.

At 11.30 mins we’re all going to die from radium poisoning.

I could go on, but sometimes think that I’m beating my head against a brick wall.

 

1 http://marcellusdrilling.com/2010/06/list-of-78-chemicals-used-in-hydraulic-fracturing-fluid-in-pennsylvania/

2   http://www.europeunconventionalgas.org/home/resources/frequently-asked-questions/the-truth-about-gasland

Sunday silliness

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

TEACHER: Kathy, go to the map and find North America ..
Kathy: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Kathy.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)

TEACHER: Adela, what is the chemical formula for water?
Adela: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
Adela: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glenn, why do you always get so dirty?
GLENN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Harriette, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
Harriette: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
Harriette: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry  tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father  didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
 
(Now, this child suits me to a "T".)
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. (LOL!)

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
 
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

TEACHER: Diane, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Diane: A teacher

Stress

I am not sure  exactly how it works, but this is  amazingly accurate.  

Read the full description before looking at the picture below.
The picture has 2 identical dolphins in it. 

It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital, London.  

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. 
The dolphins are identical.  A closely monitored scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. 
The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences, you need to go on holiday.... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ll get my coat.

Occupy London. The Movie

See the great unwashed and Loony left in their natural habitat.

It makes you wonder if they have been taught anything at school about economics. In this clip you have everything from pianists to one eyed long John Silver look-alikes. And of course it could not be complete without the usual sprinkling of Ecoloons.

Friday fun

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from
a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so
I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a
couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his
cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen,
ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big
fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting
your bl**dy tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the
cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham.

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a
prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity,
get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a
dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

A LEGAL QUESTION...

Just look at the pics below.

Is this “statuetory” rape?

Or is it just a “moosedemeanor”?

Ups and downs

This year in the FE household has been a mixture of ups and downs.

UP.

The youngest daughter became pregnant.

DOWN.

The eldest daughter and her fiancé were informed that if they wanted children then they would have to have IVF treatment.

DOWN.

The son was diagnosed with cancer of the Thyroid.

UP.

Had a superb holiday in Crete.

DOWN.

We were burgled during the night in the last week of the holiday.

DOWN

Mrs FE diagnosed with suspected Bowel cancer.

UP.

Mrs FE found to be completely free of Cancerous cells.

UP.

The Boy had his cancerous Thyroid removed.

UP.

Eldest daughter suddenly finds she is pregnant without undergoing IVF.

UP.

The son has his follow up radiotherapy to kill off any remaining cancer cells.

DOWN.

TFE is diagnosed with a peptic ulcer.

DOWN.

And you won’t believe this. The Boy has also be diagnosed with a peptic ulcer! (Keep it in the family).

That’s 6 UPS and 6 DOWNS

Just saying like. I thought I’d get this out of the way before the years end. For all I know I may suffer from a massive Myocardial infarction or some such.

But hey, look on the bright side. Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh……………………….

Just kidding.