Luck of the Irish

 An attractive blonde from Dublin, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' 

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'MORAL OF THE STORY -Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men...are men.

I think we’ve already got this game somewhere.

A Ukrainian company is offering a board game where players are meant to bribe voters and make money through hyped sensations in order to get the most seats in parliament for his political party……………..

Re-election

It was put back in a cupboard somewhere in Westminster in May.

I don’t believe it.

This was sent from Thomas Cook Holidays,
listing some of the guests' complaints during the season.

 

• "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

• "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

• "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

• "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

• A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

• A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

• "The beach was too sandy."

• "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

• A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

• "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

• "We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

• "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

• "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

• "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

• "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

• "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

• "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

• "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

• "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked." 

And lastly:

• "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

It makes you ashamed to be British.

Do I get air miles?

Now I know London is a pain to get from, by car. But did my bank really need to send my statement by air mail?

Does the Postgirl fly a helicopter now?

Oh No. I see it’s second class. Carrier pigeon maybe?

Why are publicans supposed to subsidise the law?

Just had an E mail from Freedom to Choose and one thing that caught my eye was.

FIGHTING BACK!

Ohio; USA:  Keith and Pam Parker are among a group of bar-owners who, since August last year, have been invoicing their Health Department for the cost of policing the ban.
Pam admits she doesn't expect the Health Dept to cough up but explains:

"If they want to put in writing that it's THEIR job, not ours, then our reply will be to have one of their inspectors report to work at our tavern every day at noon.  They can't have it both ways."

So far there has been NO response from the authorities - so a 10% penalty has been added to the outstanding bill.
Ohio has spent $4m dollars enforcing the ban, and penalised some 939  businesses, the vast majority of which are family-run establishments and private clubs.  The bar-owners are seeking an exemption for licensed bars, which traditionally cater to smokers and are, in any case, strictly off-limits to under-21s.

It might be an idea if pubs over here got together and billed their local authority for having the affront for putting the onus on them to police this odious, divisive, fascist law.

If nothing else it would tie up your local smoking enforcement department so that they would spend more time in rebutting the claims, than actually being able to spy on pubs, bars, and social clubs, etc.

I went to a party

I was invited to a party last Saturday which was held in a pub. If you haven’t noticed, there is a little hint in my sidebar intimating that I’m one of those foul smokers. What made this pub different is that it had a proper smoking shelter which actually gave the occupants real shelter from the elements.

Now I’m not going to tell you where it is, because it most certainly flouts all the puerile rules by the anti-smoking fascists.

It was a haven of comfort with tables, comfortable seating, lighting, and enough heaters to ensure that one complete power station would have to be permanently on line to supply it. Enough to drive a hundred global warmists into an early grave I hope. The shelter was spotlessly clean with plenty of ashtrays which were emptied on a regular basis. All in all, an oasis of plenty for the smoker.

At the time the shelter was about 85% enclosed from the elements but the neat bit was that if an anti smoking facilitator , or what ever you want to call one, turned up, the Perspex windows could have been jettisoned in less than 60 seconds.

The shelter has been up since 2009 and no-one in this loyal pub community has ratted yet to the anti-smoking Nazis. On the other hand if one had turned up, the 200 ft cliff at the end of the patio might just have been a deterrent to any action being taken.

It really was a nice place to be. Mind you I felt like shit on sunday morning.

Iranium. The Movie.

 An interesting little film about recent history of Iran. More chilling is it's aspirations.

Smile Damn it.

Freedom

 

DEMENTIA QUIZ:

FIRST QUESTION :
Y OU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE
THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN? 

ANSWER : 

IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!
TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT  DON'T  TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?


SECOND QUESTION :
I F YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....? 

ANSWER:

IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE..... 
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??
YOU'RE  NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?

THIRD QUESTION:

VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:
THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
TRY IT.
TAKE  1000  AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER  1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20  . NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL? 
SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....

DID YOU GET 5000 ?
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100 ...
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?
MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT....  MAYBE...

FOURTH QUESTION :
MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:

1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ???
2. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?

DID YOU ANSWER NUNU?  NO!  OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
HER NAME IS MARY!  READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!

OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO
REDEEM YOURSELF:

A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE. 
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?

IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE 
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...

I’ve obviously got Dementia.