Now if I was Jeremy Clarkson I might have said this…..

For those of a politically correct persuasion. Look away now. I expect you’ve read the warning sign in the top left hand corner of the Blog. In case you missed it, here it is again.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the charity shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Centre they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Afro-Caribbean is not the correct answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping centre, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache."

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk: "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

Feel suitably offended now.

Lets make it No.1

 

Shamelessly I'm promoting what I hope will be this year's No 1 in the annual tussle for the Christmas single.

The CD will be released on 19 December and pre-ordered on Amazon or bought via iTunes.

The second track is another composition from Paul Mealor - Now Sleeps The Crimson Petal (Four Madrigals On Rose Texts(: A Spotless Rose.

The proceeds of the single will go to SSAFA Forces Help and the British Legion.

Subrosa. I’ve shamelessly nicked your text as I’m too lazy to write my own. Your text says it all.

You’re being lead down the low carbon path

I’ve just downloaded a copy of the “Delinquent teenager who was mistaken for the world's top climate expert”, by Donna Laframboise.

If you, like me, are a climate change sceptic (and if you do believe in AGW you’ll be shocked, and maybe slightly worried and may question your beliefs), then her book is well worth a read. She doesn’t go into long technical discussions. That isn’t the purpose of the book. Instead she takes the IPCC decision making process apart, and tears it to shreds. This is a book you should send to your Member of Parliament so they might see how the wool has been pulled over their eyes.

Just to wet your appetite, follow the link below for a free sample

SAMPLE

The full PDF version can be found HERE.  Priced at $4.99.

Priceless

 

Bah Humbug

Seeing that the Tellybox is now in full Christmas mode, I'll just let the video below show why all the kiddywinks are not going to get any presents this year.

Bastard.

Dog shoots man

Yes really. This dog has found that biting is yesterday’s game.

An American man was rushed to hospital after being shot in the buttocks by his dog during an ill-fated duck hunting accident in Utah.

Oh well. I’ll get my hat..

 

A view from the smoking underclass

In days gone by when 50% of the population smoked, smokers were accepted in real society. No-one complained with a wave of their hand in front of their nostrils about the evils of smoking. In fact every home had a surfeit of ashtrays, even if they didn’t smoke themselves. Some homes even had a miraculous globe that when pushed, opened up and displayed a plethora of cigarettes. Smoking was as normal as the air we breath. There was no prejudice against smokers. We were people that had a habit that was innocuous but smelt differently.

Fast forward forty years.

We are now the new pariahs.

When the new puritans  found that the populace ignored their false prophecies, that decreed all smokers will die a horrible death, they had to come up with something else.

Second hand smoke. Therefore:

No smoking on aeroplanes. The airlines loved that. Layoff the cleaning staff and reduce the filtration systems

No smoking on trains. More staff cuts.

No smoking in public places. Bansturbators’ heaven.

(Pity the pubs are all closing due to the fact that I and other smokers find the whole experience now, of having to furtively sidle out to a sham smoking shelter, too much to stand for.)

Now they are trying to prevent us from smoking in our own property.

That will be a bridge to far.

Firstly they have tried to introduce a bill to prevent smoking in their own property, our cars. From Hansard

smoking in private vehicles bill

Motion made, That the Bill be now read a Second time.

Hon. Members: Object.

Bill to be read a Second time on Friday 20 January 2012.

This is of course a trial bill, all in the name of “Think of the Cheeeldren”, just to see how far they can push.

If they win that round, then the next step is your home.

I’m not sure how they will enforce it though? Will we be compelled to fit nicotine detection alarms linked to a central control room. Or will they recruit a division of state sponsored curtain twitchers with the power to force entry with immediate powers of arrest?

In that case I shall cast out the scrounging cats and buy the largest, most vicious dog I can find. Then let them try, if they dare. 

And of course it won’t end there. You real ale drinkers and those of a drinking persuasion are in the firing line.

Of course DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE HAVE A DRINK WITH YOUR MEAL. Alcohol bansturbators consider you a scourge on the face of humanity.

Oh and if you are not eating your “Five a day”, (Another made up healthy living twatification), you’re next. Oh and for christ’s sake don’t you dare add salt to your food. That really condemns you to the ninth circle of hell.

You have been warned. You’re next. 

Comments on this post from smokers and antismokers are welcome.

This is an equality website.

*is it?*

. 

Policing without the Police

There have been mutterings from some Police Bloggers that they should be armed.

When we get our handguns, and we will get them folks, we will treat them with the same reverence.

Why not let the public be armed?

This story shows what might happen.

Ooops

 

Australians can be so polite! 

Melbourne Tower : "Saudi Air 511  -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."

Saudi  Air : "Thank you  Melbourne . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's  runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Melbourne  Tower : " Iran Air 711  - You are cleared to land on runway  27L."

Iran   Air : "Thank you  Melbourne . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway  27L. -  Allah is Great."

Pause....

Saudi  Air :  " MELBOURNE TOWER - MELBOURNE TOWER !"

Melbourne   Tower : "Go ahead  Saudi Air 511..."

Saudi  Air : "YOU HAVE  CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR
THE SAME RUNWAY  GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE
ARE ON A COLLISION  COURSE . ... .. .. ... INSTRUCTIONS,  PLEASE!"


Melbourne   Tower : "Well bless  your hearts, and praise Jesus. Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said "Hi".

1979 again?

Remember the storming of the American Embassy in Tehran in 1979?

It would seem it’s our turn now to be invaded.

Several dozen Iranian students have stormed the UK embassy in Tehran, chanting “death to England” and bringing down the British flag.

Reports by the Mehr news agency that six UK staff had been taken hostage when students raided a north Tehran diplomatic compound were withdrawn shortly after they were posted. No explanation was given for the report, nor its removal.

Iranian police have reportedly used water cannons to push the protesters back from the embassy’s main entrance and force them to climb down from the gate.

The police have managed to take control of the rally and forced all but some 50 protesters to leave the territory of the embassy.