See the great unwashed and Loony left in their natural habitat.
It makes you wonder if they have been taught anything at school about economics. In this clip you have everything from pianists to one eyed long John Silver look-alikes. And of course it could not be complete without the usual sprinkling of Ecoloons.
Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from
a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so
I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face
I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a
couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his
cage.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen,
ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'
Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big
fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting
your bl**dy tee ready!
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the
cat!'
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham.
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a
prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity,
get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a
dead Beatle for the last thirty years.
Just look at the pics below.
Is this “statuetory” rape?
Or is it just a “moosedemeanor”?
This year in the FE household has been a mixture of ups and downs.
UP.
The youngest daughter became pregnant.
DOWN.
The eldest daughter and her fiancé were informed that if they wanted children then they would have to have IVF treatment.
DOWN.
The son was diagnosed with cancer of the Thyroid.
UP.
Had a superb holiday in Crete.
DOWN.
We were burgled during the night in the last week of the holiday.
DOWN
Mrs FE diagnosed with suspected Bowel cancer.
UP.
Mrs FE found to be completely free of Cancerous cells.
UP.
The Boy had his cancerous Thyroid removed.
UP.
Eldest daughter suddenly finds she is pregnant without undergoing IVF.
UP.
The son has his follow up radiotherapy to kill off any remaining cancer cells.
DOWN.
TFE is diagnosed with a peptic ulcer.
DOWN.
And you won’t believe this. The Boy has also be diagnosed with a peptic ulcer! (Keep it in the family).
That’s 6 UPS and 6 DOWNS
Just saying like. I thought I’d get this out of the way before the years end. For all I know I may suffer from a massive Myocardial infarction or some such.
But hey, look on the bright side. Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh……………………….
Just kidding.
Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal immigrants , four Liberals wearing FCUK tee shirts, two rappers, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, 3 pairs of Jehovah's Witnesses, and a Pakistani taxi driver.
FOR THE LAST TIME.
THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!
Made I Larf
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
I was led to believe from previous information that biggest problems with offshore wind turbines was gearbox failure.
However It appears that I was wrong. Gearbox failure is not the most prevalent fault.
Failures of electrical and controls systems are the root cause of wind turbine repairs in 50% of cases, and operators should expect an electronic or electrical subassembly failure every 2 to 2.5 years, according to Wind Energy Update’s Offshore operations and Maintenance report 2011, released today.
So let me get this straight in my mind. We have a failure rate of the gearboxes after only seven years, and now it is iterated that we have electrical failures every 2 to 2.5 years.
According to the report’s authors, while the failure rate event of electrical system and control faults/failures may not have the highest associated downtime, a higher frequency of occurrence translates into the highest mean annual downtime.
Has our Energy secretary been appraised with these facts as he dashes for more bird mincers? Probably not.
I leave you with this little snippet.
With estimated annual O&M costs at €100,000 to €300,000 per 2MW-3MW offshore turbine and at €200,000 to €720,000 for larger turbines (according to a previous Wind Energy Update report), operators need access to more reliable data, stresses the report.
You can read the whole article HERE.
And weep.
It always seems to be the young who suffer the most!
The 'poor little thing' has no shoes!
Not when I read buffoonery like this:
Do you get on well with your husband or wife? And how much do you trust your local council?
The answers to these questions are among the ten signs the Government believes best sum up Britain’s happiness.
WTF. But then this is another “Initiative” rolled out again by our Clown in chief.
The list, published yesterday, will form David Cameron’s ‘happiness survey’ upon which future Coalition policies could be based.
I think it might be better if he stopped thinking that he’s still in PR, and got on with trying to get the Country out of the mess it’s in.
Here are the questions we may be asked.
My answers.
1. No. Someone keeps asking me to take stupid surveys
2. That’s got fuck all to do with you. next you’ll be trying to pry through my bedroom window.
3. For the first part. I’m suffering repetitive strain injury in trying to answer this shit. For the second, I’m going to have a nervous breakdown if I actually receive this questionnaire.
4. No. I’m a benefit scrounging scum pensioner who left work, rather than put up with all the petty regulations foisted upon us in recent years.
5. Our neighbourhood would be more contented if the Jobsworths left us alone. Do I fear crime? Yes because you have made so many laws, that I can become a criminal at the drop of a hat.
6. Fatuous question. We’d all like more.
7. I’m educated in real life. I’m an engineer.
8. No. I would string up all the duplicitous bastards if I had my way.
9. Skewed of course to show the party in the best light.
10. Have you not realised that at least three wheels have fallen of that wagon? Where have you been in the last few years since Climategate. (Tip: Suggest you sack that Huhne fellow soon, before he drags you down with him. On second thoughts, by all means let him drag you down with him. Then maybe we can get a PM that might actually be good fro the country).
Oh well. That’s my blood pressure overloaded.
I think I’ll just have to exceed the recommended alcohol limits in order to calm down.
It's a parody of "I'm a Believer" written by Neil Diamond and performed by the Monkees. This version was written by Elmer Beauregard and Brian D. Smith and performed by Elmer and the M4GW players.
I’m not a “Denier” as such, just a staunch sceptic when it comes to man made climate change.
