Greek Default

Handy little flow chart

We’re all doomed – AGAIN!

_{After wrongly predicting the Apocalypse would arrive on May 21, US preacher Harold Camping now says today is the day all life on Earth will be wiped out.}

I’ll get my coat.

It never rains but it pours

Oh Bugger

I think a trip to the Doctor’s is on the cards.

I’ve spent the last few days in discomfort. Now I think I know why.

The most common symptom of a stomach ulcer is a burning pain…

Check

In particular this occurs at night towards the morning hours as this is when you are most likely to have no food in your stomach.

Check

Additionally, stomach ulcer symptoms frequently come and go.

Check. Happened briefly on holiday

Other Symptoms of Peptic Ulcers

If a stomach ulcer becomes sufficiently advanced, other symptoms may develop. These can include:

• Dark, black or red stool (indicating blood in the stool) Haven't dared look.
• Nausea or loss of appetite have been feeling sick as a dog for the last four days. My stomach didn’t ask for food.
• Fatigue or weakness (due to anaemia from blood loss). This is more prevalent in women than men. I’ve been permanently tired. 
• Weight loss I’ve had to make a new hole in my belt.
• Vomiting of blood (typically black; think of the colour of a scab) Nope.

Oh well. I must take the rough with the smooth (Groans in agony)(Just kidding), I’m not getting any younger.

The strange world of ward 14

Imagine a hospital ward away from other wards down a long empty corridor. Entry is gained by an electronically secured entry system.

There is only one patient, a young man, who the staff visit and leave as quickly as they can. There is no small talk.

Medication is delivered in a lead container.

Visitors can visit at any time of the day, but may only stay for 30 minutes.

Who is the prisoner on this ward?

Well actually it’s my son who is undergoing radiotherapy.

He’ll be out tomorrow hopefully. I wonder how long he’ll glow in the dark?

Start your engines

 

Not for those of an impure mind

 

What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND works best when it is jerked?

Scroll down.......

 

 

 

A Seatbelt you pervert!
  Buckle up!

Scousers

 

Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand? 'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disk

I may be sometime

A few months ago, my son was diagnosed with Cancer of the Thyroid. Very quickly in my mind, he was admitted to Hospital and underwent an operation to remove the entire thyroid. Since then he has been on medication and has made a remarkable recovery.

The second stage of his treatment is about to commence tomorrow, when he will undertake Radiotherapy.

So i’m now travelling up North to where he works and lives, to help him out and assist in his recovery.

And I’d like to say a very special thank you to his employer, Johnson Matthey, who have been so understanding over his illness.

Management Course

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves..
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand, but after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129... It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him..
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy;
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend; and
(3) When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

NOTES FROM THE EDGE OF LIFE

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns
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Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never have an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic
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Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic
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Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
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Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying...
Sincerely,
Google
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Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985
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Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP
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Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people
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Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies
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Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol
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Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012.
Our calendars ended there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans
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Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans
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Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User
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Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up....
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore
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Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant