First class mystery

 

Smoking and me.

I will admit that I’m a lifelong smoker. Bearing in mind that I’ve been smoking for about 45 years and paid tax on my illegal perfectly lawful habit, why am I supposed to feel guilty about it.?

If for instance I average out the duty per pack of cigarettes at £2 per pack, then the extra tax I’ve paid, compared with an Anti smoker is: 2 x £2 x 360 x 45 = £64,800. And that is a very conservative estimate on the tax take. (I would hesitate to guess that it’s probably double).

What is worse is I suspect that my tax has probably gone on supporting the salaries of a couple of “smoking cessation advisors” or even worse, helped to fund the Quango ASH.(Spits).

Of course the Anti smokers will say that I’m a drain on the NHS. Well actually no. In my entire working career I’ve had precisely three days off due to the flue, my dental treatment is paid for by myself at no little cost, and I have private health insurance for myself and my family.

If as surmised that as a smoker I will die early, then of course I will be swelling the coffers of the state  by doing so. I won’t draw my pension for as long as the Righteous.

So to you Antismoker out there. Just look at what you’ve contributed. Misery for 25% of the population due your  incessant whining about how the whiff of cigarette smoke makes you feel sick, and the fatuous belief that SHS will kill you. It actually makes me sick with despair at how low this great country has fallen. Citizens fought for the right for minorities to peacefully co-exist. When the government comes after your favourite vice of choice, just remember this post.

Maybe in the interests of fairness you’d chuck £64,000 into the kitty just to even the score. After all I’ve been subsidising you for long enough.

Cheques payable to:

The Filthy Engineer

Sort code: I forget

Account number: Rhymes with Alzheimer's

Naval Stores

There’s a story doing the rounds today about how the MOD has “lost” £6.3 billion in assets. Let me tell you. They are unlikely to find them. The reason being that the twats in the civil service can’t even put a readily recognisable name to much of the stuff.

Examples:

The humble round rubbery think that most of as would know as an ‘O’ ring for the sake of clarity is called ‘Ring Sealing Toroidal’.

A hose clip or “jubilee clip”, as it is usually known,  is “Clamp, hose, wormdrive”

An electrical plastic tie wrap thingy is given the grand name of ‘Strap line Supporting’.

You want a 16mm nut to fit a 16mm bolt? Then look at ‘Nut, Machine’. Mind you that is also the name for every other size of nut as well. May take you some time.

Ever tried your hand at plumbing in the MOD? Just try and find an ‘Olive’ for a compression fitting.(That is the normal description used by plumbers world wide). Found one yet? Me neither. I spent 43 years of my time looking and I still never found what the cretins called them.

Then there is the packaging. Everything received by the MOD is removed from the perfectly able manufacturers packaging and guess what? Repackaged.  Take one 13 amp household fuse. First it is wrapped in tissue. Next it is sealed into a plastic bag. After that there is a wrapping of oily green plastic. Place oily green packaging in corrugated cardboard and seal the whole caboodle in a cardboard box. Finally give it a silly name and a nine digit number. Oh and make sure you obliterate the manufacturers part number while you are about it.

I made the stupid mistake of ordering 200 of the above. I ended up with a mountain of packaging and a small mole hill of fuses.

Don’t get me started on the MOD transport system. I once ordered a complete Reverse Osmosis Plant to be fitted to a ship in refit in Falmouth. After waiting for delivery for days and trying to placate some very angry contractors I eventually tracked the equipment to Faslane nuclear submarine base. And it was only coming from the Depot in Plymouth. 

Them and Us

Can we hang them now?

An interesting take on Government versus the people over at Old Holborn’s blog.

Disclose.tv - The Tiny Dot (must see!) Video

When you look at it. Why have so few, have so much power, over so many? Even if they profess to being our servants.  Time for a radical change in the way countries are governed?

Yes the video is aimed at our American cousins , but equally applies to us.

As he says. 650 of them. 62,000,000 of us.

Your Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin...

1. What do you put in a toaster?

 

 

 

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2.  Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?

 

 

 

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. 
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.

 
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmarthen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven ..
Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?

 

 

 

 

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!!

Now where was I?

The theatre

Went to the theatre yesterday. In London.

However it was the wrong day. It coincided with the gay Pride parade. Now your FE has seen some pretty outlandish sights in his life, but really.

Why disport yourself in a faux Kate Middleton wedding dress to board a train at Charing Cross? And what does it do for your sex life when you have twenty five lip piercings? That would be akin to trying to kiss the iron curtain.

This is why the whole gay, transsexual, bi gender, or whatever they  want to call the movement lets the side  down.

By parading  in such a ridiculous way they draw attention to how crass and self centred they are. They just set themselves up for ridicule as I witnessed on several occasions yesterday evening.

I’m sure if there was a heterosexual march through London next weekend, it would be perceived as an outrage akin to the holocaust by those of the Gay persuasion.

Why not live with a quiet dignity that the rest of us aspire to?

 

Just saying like.

British telecoms are best

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire,
have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50
years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright,
a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f***
all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already
gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!

LEARN A WORD A DAY: NECROPHILIA

A man was brought before the judge and charged with NECROPHILIA (making love to a dead person). 

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing.  Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons: j

1. It's none of your damn business;

2. She was my wife; and.....

3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"

SO LADIES TRY TO MOVE A LITTLE DURING THE GAME…..

GUYS, IF THERE IS NOT MUCH MOVEMENT, STOP IMMEDIATELY AND CHECK IF SHE IS ALIVE.

Essential Reading

With great deal of satisfaction and pride, I am pleased to inform you that the first volume of "Basic Introductory Manual to Understanding Women" is now available.

 

 

Cheques to be made payable to Filthy publications LTD.

How to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars See If They Slow Down.
2. On all your check stubs, write " For Marijuana."
3. Skip down the street Rather than Walk, and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing Along At The Opera.
6.   When The money comes out of the cash machine, Scream" I Won!   I Won!"
7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car park, Yelling "Run For Your Lives!  They're Loose!"
8. Tell Your Children over Dinner, "Due To the Economy, We are Going To Have To Let One of You Go." 
9. Pick up a box of condoms at the chemist, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

And finally

10. Keep following this Blogger.

Just saying

A customer service broadcast.