Google analytics

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Naval Stores

There’s a story doing the rounds today about how the MOD has “lost” £6.3 billion in assets. Let me tell you. They are unlikely to find them. The reason being that the twats in the civil service can’t even put a readily recognisable name to much of the stuff.


The humble round rubbery think that most of as would know as an ‘O’ ring for the sake of clarity is called ‘Ring Sealing Toroidal’.

A hose clip or “jubilee clip”, as it is usually known,  is “Clamp, hose, wormdrive”

An electrical plastic tie wrap thingy is given the grand name of ‘Strap line Supporting’.

You want a 16mm nut to fit a 16mm bolt? Then look at ‘Nut, Machine’. Mind you that is also the name for every other size of nut as well. May take you some time.

Ever tried your hand at plumbing in the MOD? Just try and find an ‘Olive’ for a compression fitting.(That is the normal description used by plumbers world wide). Found one yet? Me neither. I spent 43 years of my time looking and I still never found what the cretins called them.

Then there is the packaging. Everything received by the MOD is removed from the perfectly able manufacturers packaging and guess what? Repackaged.  Take one 13 amp household fuse. First it is wrapped in tissue. Next it is sealed into a plastic bag. After that there is a wrapping of oily green plastic. Place oily green packaging in corrugated cardboard and seal the whole caboodle in a cardboard box. Finally give it a silly name and a nine digit number. Oh and make sure you obliterate the manufacturers part number while you are about it.

I made the stupid mistake of ordering 200 of the above. I ended up with a mountain of packaging and a small mole hill of fuses.

Don’t get me started on the MOD transport system. I once ordered a complete Reverse Osmosis Plant to be fitted to a ship in refit in Falmouth. After waiting for delivery for days and trying to placate some very angry contractors I eventually tracked the equipment to Faslane nuclear submarine base. And it was only coming from the Depot in Plymouth. 


  1. There is some logical sense in labelling items in standard military order of noun/most important adjective, etc., thus, "Nut, M12, 304 stainless-steel, full". It's when these appelations are concocted by non-technical staff that it goes awry.

  2. Captain Haddock5 July 2011 at 11:07

    This comes as no surprise FE .. particularly in view of the recent scandalous price the MoD were paying for Light Bulbs ..

    MoD Stores markings & Vocab numbers used to be simple .. eg .. "Braces, Mens, Trousers for the use of" .. or "Brush, Boot" .. "Brush, Button" .. "Brush, Clothes" etc ..

    It all seemed to go to ratshit after that disastrous fire at a Stores Depot in the Midlands, some years ago ..

    Mind you .. I know a few QM's & RQMS's who breathed a hearty sigh of relief when it happened .. ;)

  3. Ah!, Jack Dusty the purveyor of the "long wait", "glass hammer" and other useful items.

  4. That all sounds very familiar - the Post Office used exactly the same system. Every item (no matter how small or large) had a "rate book" description & number.

    "Paper, arse wiping for the use of", was not very popular, as it was that dreadful Izal shiny stuff which just spread the sh1t over a larger area...

  5. Captain Haddock5 July 2011 at 18:07

    "Jack Dusty" ? ...

    That's a good 'un ..

    Every time I visited "Slops" the idle, Blue Card-carrying skrimshankers were closed for "Stock Taking" ..

    They must have had more time off than the CO's webbing ...

  6. Captain Haddock5 July 2011 at 18:15

    "Paper, arse wiping for the use of", was not very popular, as it was that dreadful Izal shiny stuff which just spread the sh1t over a larger area ...

    There have been times MD, when one has been glad of the constipation-inducing effects of 24hr Ration Packs .. ("Izal" paper being part of the contents in the small "necessaries" packet) ..

    Mind you, the first few days back in Camp was like giving birth to a De-luxe sized Lego set ..

  7. "......... the MOD has “lost” £6.3 billion in assets. "

    What's everyone worried about?

    It's only summat like an aircraft-carrier, and it'll turn up sooner or later. Surely?

  8. Reminds me of this -

    The situation is absolutely under control,” Transport Minister Ephraim Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. “Our nation’s merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don’t know where it is, that’s all.” Replying to an MP’s question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the Swazimar: “We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we’ve lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in.”

  9. Spanner crescent. It's bloody well known by every real engineer as an open jawed spanner. Cretins to the last.


Say what you like. I try to reply. Comments are not moderated. The author of this blog is not liable for any defamatory or illegal comments.