Drug smuggling Lite

Much has been made in the MSM today of two girls caught drug smuggling in Peru.

Two British girls locked up in Peruvian jail have not eaten for seven days and are said to be terrified and hysterical after they were arrested on suspicion of trying to smuggle £1.5million of cocaine out of the country.

Michaella McCollum Connolly, 20, and Melissa Reid, 19, are being held in maximum security cells following claims the pair may have been working for a South American cartel.

However this is the tip of a very large iceberg.

A few years back whilst on patrol on counter drug ops in the Caribbean we received intelligence that their was a fishing vessel that was a prime suspect due to the course it was heading. After shadowing it from a point astern, over the horizon, we were ordered to close and board it at first light in the morning.

Morning came and we pounced. Actually No! On demanding full power from the diesel electric power system a Thyristor decided to blow, leaving us almost dead in the water. Well there’s also tomorrow.

Tomorrow came and things actually went to plan. After working up to full speed we launched our Lynx helicopter with orders to tell the fishing boat to heave to. (Nautical term for STOP). Of course the fishing vessel stopped. You would too, if you saw a grey chopper  circling you and pointing a Mk 48 mini gun in your general direction.

Anyway I digress.

On catching up with the fishing vessel our boarding team discovered quite a haul of cocaine in 1Kg packets. How many you ask? 3,200 Kg in all. Approximately 1 billion dollars at todays estimated street value.

We boarded another two vessels in a two month period in which forensics also estimated that they had carried large quantities similar to our bust.

So when the MSM crow about a mere 11 Kg, then they’re being distracted from the big picture.

How To Appreciate Solitary Drinking

Carrying on from how to avoid Chuggers, I bring you a further pearl of wisdom.

Mrs F E is working late.

 

Many people like to drink alcohol. Some do it for fun, some do it for social reasons and some even (believe it or not) just use it as an excuse to go down the pub and watch the game on the big screen. But there are some who do it alone. Solitary drinking can be a wonderful experience, and the following steps may inspire you (as a sensible drinker) to appreciate the joys of drinking alone.

The Recommended Schedule of Events

• When shopping for indulgences or intellectual matter (eg, the latest Salman Rushdie tome, of which you may have no intention of reading) make an impromptu visit to a cheap back street off-licence and buy two of the following recommended alcoholic drinks: wine (red or white, but not the expensive kind, that's just silly), beer (almost any type will do), vodka (and a mixer if you wish) or gin (if you're feeling especially emotional).

• On returning home, make sure you are alone. This may involve causing a rift between you and your spouse, partner, friends or family so that they leave. All methods are perfectly acceptable, and the resulting self-loathing will benefit you later in the night.

• Commence drinking at roughly 7pm. Do not commence drinking earlier, as this could result in alcohol abuse. If you need to cook in order to eat, this should be done before 7pm to avoid burns and other injuries, but eating while drinking is perfectly acceptable. In fact, it is highly recommended that you consume something you never normally would from the fridge; a 'nantwich' is perfect. Douglas Adams' The Meaning of Liff explains a nantwich as,

  'a late-night snack, invented by the Earl of Nantwich, which consists of the dampest thing in the fridge, pressed between two of the driest things in the fridge. The Earl, who lived in a flat in Clapham, invented the nantwich to avoid having to go shopping'.

• Roughly an hour and-a-half into your drinking session, remove an item of clothing. Trousers are the preference for men, but women fluctuate between garments and changing into sparser, more inappropriate clothing. Men can also indulge in this, but do make sure you definitely are alone. People don't want to see all that hair and saggy bits.

• Watch an educational programme by the BBC. Key presenters of such viewing delights are: Stephen Fry, Richard Attenbourgh, David Attenbourgh, Jeremy Paxman or Michael Palin. Snigger throughout.

• Watch a romantic comedy (something by Richard Curtis is recommended). All forms are acceptable. Men may have to find suitable material in the film collection of a wife, girlfriend or female friend.

• By about 10.30pm, return to a bad habit. Smoking, illicit viewing, mild drug habit, flicking to the dirty bits in novels, cross-dressing, or snooping though the wife/husband's, girlfriend/boyfriend's, or female/male friend's possessions are all popular choices.

• After running out of booze, search for, and consume the bottle of hazelnut liqueur you bought on that French holiday two years ago.

• Embarrass yourself via mobile phone text, email or online community/social networking website.

• Collapse in a front of the television. It is vital that it is left on a channel that will later, when a companion returns, be showing pornography or reality TV.

There, that should help you fill an otherwise uneventful night. Bottoms Up!

Dirty Buggers

I keep reading in the MPs' expenses scandal that several of them have claimed for "cleaning costs".

Are they that lazy, or incapable, of using a vacuum cleaner?

Mrs FE is good enough to master these techniques. (FE sometimes gives it a go as well).