Saturday soliloquy

As I was lying around, pondering the  problems of the world,
I realised that at my age I don't really give a rat's arse anymore.

.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years,  while
.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it  lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think  so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the  difference.

  Now that I'm older here's what I've  discovered:

1.     I started out with nothing, and I still have most of  it.

2.     My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3.     I  finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4.     Funny,  I don't remember being absent-minded.

5.     Funny, I don't remember being  absent-minded.

6.     If all is not lost, then where the hell is it ?

7.    It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8.     Some days, you're the  top dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9.     I wish the buck really did stop here; I  sure could use a few of them.

10.   Kids in the back seat cause  accidents.

11.   Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12.   It's  hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13.   The world  only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14.   If God  wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15.  When I'm  finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants  to play chess.

16.   It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17.   The only  difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18.   These days, I  spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get  something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19.   Funny, I don't remember being  absent-minded.