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Sunday, 11 September 2011

Hotels. (Spit)

What is it with British Hotels? Why is it that all seem to conform to a low standard?

Last night I stayed in one such establishment. The advertising Blurb for our “Luxury Double bedroom” no way lived up to expectations.

Four Poster bed was the main theme. Now I expect a large room with a huge bed nestling in the centre. Nope. How can a bed with a faux canopy over the head end, possibly be called “Four Poster”. Where were the other two posts? (I wonder if I can get a rebate?)

How can it be called luxurious, if you have to be as slim as a pencil to negotiate round said bed?

Of course there was the En Suite. The usual cheap as chips shower, over an old bath, and surely they could have afforded a toilet roll holder? (Maybe I’m being a bit picky here).

Chintz furnishings? Oh so last century.

Why should I have to rebuild the bedside lamp?

The usual tea and coffee making facility. It’s a pity the kettle didn’t work. Is their no professionalism, in that it might be an idea if they checked these things in advance?

Surely they could supply me with a front door key? It’s not much fun having to find your way round to the back of the hotel in the dark and enter via the fire exit.

Breakfast. Don’t get me started. Tea and Coffee. Great. Most of us would like some milk. Just because I said I’d be down for breakfast doesn’t mean that I’ve automatically signed up for a full English. I only wanted toast.

And finally. There was a large car park. Covered in gravel. You try pulling your wheelie suitcase across gravel. Believe you me, it’s like swimming in treacle.

I’m glad to be home. (WE haz toilet role holdar).


  1. Is our fearless Engineer reluctant to 'name and shame' the hotel in question, I wonder?
    But I cannot imagine why.

  2. Ooops! Anonymous was in fact Ancient + Tattered Airman who had finger trouble with the post. Sorry pardon!

  3. At least you had the option of a bath.

    I recall the hotel which has such a small shower that if you dropped the soap you had to get out of the shower in order to pick it up!

  4. I had an interesting hotel experience is Hereford recently. The room seemed OK, although the bathroom was in need of repairs & decoration. But apart from the inevitable Gideon bible, there were also three hard-core porn magazines in the bedside drawer. After checking for hidden cameras I slept uneasily, half-expecting some shenanigans in the night, as the window, which would not lock, was adjacent to the fire escape. At least there were no restrictions on smoking in the room and they did not charge for the unexpected magazines.

  5. A + T A:-

    Mr FE is "keeping his powder dry".

    On the basis that 'The Threat is worse than the Execution', his negotiation ploy is is await a generous offer of restitution - a refund perhaps, or, a free long-weekend. If one is not forthcoming, only then will the establishment be given adverse publicity.

    Mr P failed the 'Prude' test:-

    He noted how many mags there were.

  6. Go on - name and shame. You know you want to!

    Then I can post it under "Crap places"

  7. Thanks Joe Public, but actually it was difficult to count the magazines, as they were stuck together - yuck!

    Green Dragon Hotel, Hereford

  8. I'm naming and shaming the Tuns at Staple. (Where the fuck's that you ask).

    It's pointless though as there are many more of these type of places following the same model.

  9. On my past two visits to the UK, I've found that any Hotel that advertises itself as 'Three star' or less is usually a borderline proposition, as far as accommodation goes.

    Four star is much better. Service, Restaurant, bathroom. Get an Interweb deal, and your stay will be much less fraught. Oh, and probably as cheap as if you went downmarket to save pennies.

  10. i used to run the wine department here

  11. F***W.............

    What a coincidence. My youngest daughter was married there 4 years ago. A truly stunning venue.

    Mind you I'm missing two arms and at least one leg.


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