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Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Care home?

No  not for me.  I'll be checking  into a Holiday Inn!

With the  average cost for a nursing home care costing  £188.00 per day, there is a better way when we  get old and too feeble.

I've  already checked on reservations at the Holiday  Inn.

For a  combined long term stay discount and senior  discount, it's £59.23 per night.

Breakfast  is included, and some have happy hours in the  afternoon.

That  leaves £128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any  restaurant we want, or room service, laundry,  gratuities and special TV  movies.

Plus,  they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout  room, a lounge and washer-dryer,  etc.

Most  have free toothpaste and razors, and all have  free shampoo and soap.

£5 worth  of tips a day you'll have the entire staff  scrambling to help you.

They  treat you like a customer, not a  patient.

There's  a bus stop out front, and seniors ride  free.

For a  change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus  and eat at one of the nice restaurants  there.

While  you're at the airport, fly somewhere.   Otherwise, the cash keeps building  up.

It takes  months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday  Inn will take your reservation  today.

And  you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can  move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to  city.

Want to see  Scotland?  They have Holiday Inn there  too.

TV  broken?  Light bulbs need changing?  Need a  mattress replaced?  No problem.. They fix  everything, and apologize for the  inconvenience.

The Inn has a  night security person and daily room service. The maid  checks to see if you are ok.  If not, they'll  call an ambulance . . . or the  undertaker.

If you fall  and break a hip, NHS will pay for the hip, and Holiday  Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your  life.

And no worries  about visits from family. They will always be glad to  find you, and probably check in for a few days  mini-holiday.

The grandchildren  can use the pool.

What more  could I ask for? Can you see a flaw in my thinking?


  1. Do they have smoker friendly rooms?

  2. I read of a lady who went on a series of cruise liner trips. She found that it was cheaper than a (un)care-home

  3. Captain Haddock20 July 2011 at 18:09

    I wouldn't call it a flaw FE ..

    But I reckon there's an even better way, which doesn't involve making a profit for Holiday Inns ..

    Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in nursing homes ..

    This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks ...

    They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out ...

    They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance ...

    Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them ...

    A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell ...

    They would be free to smoke in their cells, as these are considered to be their "homes" ..

    They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose ...

    They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and educational courses ...

    Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request ...

    Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens ...

    Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls ...

    There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct which would be strictly adhered to, backed by a complaints procedure, paid for by the Taxpayer ...

    The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out alive ...

    So .. when I feel that I can no longer manage on my own .. I'm going to get a Taxi to take me to the local Public Library, tip the cabbie to help me inside .. sit down on the floor & light my Pipe ..

    I shall refuse to desist & to the best of my ability fight-off anyone who tries to make me, including Plod ..

    Which means I'll get my collar felt & will appear in Court ..

    Where I'll insult the Magistrates, so that they send me to Crown Court, where I shall tell the Judge that He/She is an out-of-touch with reality fucktard ..

    And with any luck, I'll get a half-way decent sentence ..

  4. xopher. No they don't unfortunately. but I just lean out of the window and flick the butts under the next one.

  5. DAD. I've just spent the last 43 years sailing the oceans. I'm afraid cruising would be a bus man's holiday.

  6. Captain.

    No chance. You'll just get an Asbo for life.

  7. I love the idea, though you forgot to mention the Priority Club Rewards scheme!

    The points/benefits can used at any of the Intercontinental Hotels Group companies: Holiday Inn + HI Express + HI Resort + HI Club Vacations, Crowne Plaza, Hotel Indigo, Staybridge, Candlewood Suites.

    All in all a sweet deal, especially if you start collecting points by staying at their hotels before using it as a residence for your twilight years ;-)

    Doesn't have the added plus of truly penalising criminals that Capt Haddock's suggestion had, but it's a start.


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