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Saturday, 25 September 2010

Surviving in Britain - Clipboard Avoidance Techniques

Anyone who has spent a small amount of time in the more populated areas of the British Isles will be aware of the phenomenon of the clipboard.

The 'clipboarder' - or 'chugger', as in 'charity mugger' - is one who stands in the street and approaches innocent members of the public,forcing them to listen to pleas for your directdebit1 details, an endless series of irrelevant questions preceded by the phrase 'it'll only take a few minutes,' or even loading you up with leaflets you neither understand nor care about, and will only end up in the next bin2.

In the last few years there has been a terrifying increase in the number of attacks on individuals' personal space by people waving clipboards around at them. At first glance, these people seem harmless enough, and if trained to the highest level they may even have acquired the skill of looking just like an ordinary member of the public until they whip their clipboard out and it's all too late... These people are bred especially for the purpose of taking up people's time and asking them for money. They are trained from birth and are only released onto the streets when they have attained high enough 'grades' in areas such as tactical attack and confusing conversational skills.

These clipboarders usually hunt in packs - next time you go into a town or city shopping area, take a look around. It is almost certain that if you look hard enough you will see a scary number of people casually holding clipboards, and you will also notice that they are spread out over the shopping area, each in his or her own tactical position.

Part 1: Reconnaissance

How to spot a clipboarder

'Ha!' you cry, 'That's easy: They're the ones with the clipboards!' Yes, you are correct. The rookie clipboarder will be easy to spot, as he (or she) will have his (or her) clipboard in plain view. But what if, in the case of more experienced clipboarders, they have their clipboard somehow hidden? Under a coat, behind a lamppost, or behind their back - how do you spot one then? Here's a list of tell-tale signs that you have a clipboarder in your midst:

  • Are they wearing a sash or a vest with a logo on it? Clipboarders are usually proud of their sponsors and employers and show them off proudly on a brightly-coloured sash or vest.

  • Do they seem to be gravitationally attracted to anyone that comes within a few feet of them? Clipboarders will advance towards any poor soul who has unwittingly wandered too close.

  • Are there any little old ladies lying dead on the floor near to your suspected clipboard? Clipboarders are ruthless and will talk to people until they hand over their direct debit details or die of confusion and boredom. Little old ladies seem to be particularly susceptible to this, as most of them don't know what direct debit is and they are very easily confused.

  • Do they look like they have a coathanger stuffed in their face? Part of a clipboarder's training includes a large amount of facial exercise in order to affect a perpetual smile - which is supposed to make you feel more comfortable, but strangely only succeeds in making them look like they have wind. As a result, clipboarders are the species with the strongest facial muscles on the planet. Never try to smile back - they will win.

Part 2: How to avoid a clipboarder

Once you have identified a clipboarder and their groupmates, it is important to avoid them at all costs. People have been known to survive a direct clipboard attack, but it is inadvisable to tempt fate. There are clipboard defence classes available at some locations throughout the country if you are interested.

There are a number of ways to avoid a clipboarder, depending on your situation:

  • Turn back

    This is the easiest and is simply effected by performing a simple 180 degree turn and walking in the opposite direction. This is not useful, however, if you were actually trying to get somewhere.

  • Take an alternative route

    This manoeuvre involves taking a route around the outside of the affected area. This removes all danger from the observed group of clipboarders, but opens you to the possibility of running into a different group on your revised route.

  • Make them think twice

    A Clipboarder is less likely to approach you if he or she feels they may either put themselves in danger by doing so, or else just not get any sense out of you. Techniques such as muttering or singing to yourself, talking to someone who isn't there or swatting at invisible flies may achieve the desired result, but with the more experienced clipboarder more imaginative techniques must be implemented.

  • Implement a Corby

    This is the most difficult of avoidance techniques and is of most use when your intended destination is within the affected area. 'Corby' is the name given to a route that follows the rules as outlined in the next section.

  • Combine two or more of these tactics

    Sure to fox even the most dedicated clipboarder, a combination of any number of the tactics listed here is an excellent way to ensure safe passage, particularly the Corby combined with muttering or talking to yourself: this has the added bonus of occupying your mind enough for you to not succumb to the temptation of making eye contact.

The Corby

The route is at all times equidistant from the closest two members of any pack of clipboarders. As anyone who has done up to GCSE geography or mathematics will know, a route which is equidistant from two given points is a straight line. When considering more than two points, only the two closest to you at any given moment should be considered. As a route brings you closer to an additional clipboarder, this person replaces one of the other 'points' and the process is repeated.

The reason for staying equidistant from the two closest clipboarders is simple: Each clipboarder has a certain 'dragnet' area which extends out to his or her nearest partner, and only one clipboarder will attack any one person as it is inefficient to do otherwise. If you are equidistant between the two, then you are on the border of both of their 'dragnets' and the resultant confusion will give you time to pass through to safety. If, however, you make the unfortunate mistake of making eye contact with one of the clipboarders, this will upset the balance and you will probably be caught by the dragnet and reeled in.

Part 3: Counterattack

What to do if you are caught by a clipboarder

Being caught by a clipboarder is most people's worst nightmare, but if the worst comes to the worst there are a number of things you can do to escape:

  • Ignore their pleas and smiles and walk straight past as if you never noticed them. This is surprisingly difficult and can usually only be achieved after months, sometimes even years of brutal training.

  • Bring up a subject which even more boring than the one you are supposed to be parting with your money/soul for. This is possibly even more difficult than the previous tip, unless you are a politician.

  • Pretend that you don't speak English. Pretending to be a foreigner will almost always reward the interviewee. Only the most hardened clipboard-wielder will attempt the foreigner intervention.

There are two methods in the 'feigning a foreigner' counterattack:

  • Learn 'I don't speak English' in a foreign language and shout it loudly at the clipboard-wielder. This is generally effective, but can backfire if the clipboard-wielder is over-enthusiastic and/or speaks the foreign language in question

  • Be an 'interested foreigner.' This involves beating them at their own game. Speak very slowly in heavily-accented English (think about the time when you went on a school trip to Germany and needed to ask where the bathroom was, but couldn't remember the word for toilet). Ask lots of questions, particularly ones unrelated to the subject of the clipboard

The most fun that can be derived from method two is when the clipboard-wielder actually backs off. This may be due to a Latvian demanding that Scottish Power hook up their shack in deepest darkest Latvia with a gas supply cheaper than that of British Gas.

In Conclusion

Armed with the knowledge you've just been given, it should now be possible to conduct your business without fear of a clipboard-based attack. Whether you're going to work or on a shopping trip, either a native of the British Isles or a visitor on holiday, be prepared - the clipboarder is a resourceful and intelligent foe. They are constantly developing new techniques of harassment, and any counterattacks we might use may in turn be countered themselves. Be ever vigilant, be resourceful. Mix and match the methods used above, and in time you may even produce your own.

Most of all, be safe and enjoy hassle-free shopping and commuting.

1 'Direct debit' is a way of enabling you to pay a set amount each month to a given account - usually a charity. This seems to have all but replaced the little shaky-tube of money of the charity collectors of yesteryear
2 Or on the floor, which is partly why the streets of the UK are so grossly littered, but that's another subject...


  1. I use the following techique :

    (1) I tell them I don't have a bank account as I am an undischarged bankrupt (works 99% of the time).

    (2) If they ask for cash, I tell them I never carry cash in case I get chugged!

    (3) I tell them I don't give to charity because if I give to one I feel duty bound to give to all of them and I simply don't have the resources

    (4) I tell them I am a pensioner and ask how much they are wanting to give me

    (5) If the above all fail, I resort to what my old finance director used to tell me whenever I questioned his decisions - "That's the way it is and if you don't like it, you can fuck off!"

    Works for me, but I might add a few of yours to my arsenal...

  2. My favourite approach is missing altogether, though it's really only suitable if you're in no hurry. There are two version, both of which begin with allowing yourself to be approached as normal.

    The first is similar to the pretending to be mad method and simply involves telling initially plausible but increasingly ridiculous lies, and seeing at what point the tables turn and they begin desperately trying to get rid of the time-wasting bastard that's telling them Munchausen style whoppers.

    The second is a little bit quicker and simply involves agreeing to sign up for $50 a month or whatever and giving false details. When you get your card or chequebook for bank details simply transpose a few digits, make up an address and give them a pre-remembered false name. Using a minor celeb's name and giving them a weary look while saying 'Yeah, I get that all the bloody time' earns extra credit but the real prize if you've got a good poker face is claiming you're called Peter File or Jenny Taylor. If you get away with that the reward is being able to laugh your back off all the way home.

  3. I should add that I've never tried that last bit. I have no poker face at all and wouldn't be able to keep the giggles away.

  4. Or you could shop online and avoid all of the dickheads. Not as sociable granted, not as much fun as chuffing a chugger or two, but a better use of my time, INHO of course.

  5. Or get in the car and drive past them.

  6. I always say I'll give you money if you give me a date. That upsets them. Especially the boys.

  7. I always find a fixing them with a steely gaze and a firm but polite 'No' delivered to their coathanger smiling face (within two feet) followed by briskly walking on generally works. If you have bad halitosis / curry breath on the day this can be particularly cruel.

    All subsequent questions / exhortations / imprecations re your parentage from the 'Chugger' should be ignored as you go about your business.

    Not everybody's choice, but truly effective, especially if you've had specialised 'complete bastard' training.

  8. The worst place I've yet encountered for "chugging" is in Gloucester City Centre .. (thankfully, I no longer need to visit Gloucester)

    But .. I always found that a harshly delivered "Fuck off, or you'll be wearing that clip board" worked a treat ..

    Its really simple & if they get under your feet .. just march straight over or through them .. try it ...

  9. Will have to try some of these…

    My strategy of choice is actually to go the other way and *talk* to these people - smiling throughout, and go off on obscure tangents or probe deeply into whatever charity they're representing - always with a smile on my face, and occasionally bringing things back to the hard sell with a cheery "But I digress…I'm keeping you from your work here".

    Right up till the demand for my personal details. Then I give a foreign address and phone number, explaining that I emigrated some years ago or am on holiday here, and hence don't have a UK bank account. Hence no "sort code" and no "account number" that a UK Direct Debit could use.

    Result– I waste a goodly amount of their time, which is only fair.

    Find a plausible address and mobile phone number based in Canada or New Zealand or something & learn it, and you too can have some fun with this.

    To those who claim this is harsh, I have in the past given money by direct debit to charities who have proceeded to hound me by phone and post for even more money, and sell my details on to other charities to do the same thing. I want my donations to go to those in need, not employ staff in call centres. So they can all go to hell in my opinion.

  10. Of course it could really be fun if one whipped out one's own clipboard .. suitably "adorned" with appropriate stickers, leaflets etc of a "charidy" of one's own choice (easily downloaded) ..

    And then insisted that you would only give them your own Direct Debit details if they agreed to give you theirs ..

    Bet they'd run away like monkeys with their arses on fire ..

  11. I tell them to go and fuck off... if I am feeling charitable!

  12. Was a beautiful page. Thanks to the designers and managers.

  13. "What is the salary of your chief executive?"
    "I don't know"
    "I'll tell you because I looked it up the other day on the Internet. It's £450,000 per annum. (you can make this bit up, but you won't be far off the mark). So if you think I'm going to part with a penny to keep that fat parasite in luxury, think again. And more fool you for freezing your bollocks off out here while your boss is probably drinking champagne from a silver goblet. Good day to you."

  14. I don't know about the rest but I did hear from a reliable source that Kate not so Humble's fake charidee RSPB coughs £100 CASH (no NI/Tax)for every punter signed up. They trouser £20 million from UK gubmint every year too...

    So, engage... the question to ask:

    You are working for a charity , yes? OK, in the interests of transparency, would you tell me how much you're being paid for every signed up punter?

  15. Smiling, I say in my best, clearest RP English " I'm terribly sorry but I don't speak a word of English." Carry on walking, their expression of utter befuddlement is a treat.


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