Hi Grandchildren.

I’m afraid this is what Thomas and friends are really thinking.

Sorry.

New Mum? You might think again.

Your holiday flight?

Britain’s airport capacity problem could finally be solved, if an experimental launch of an EasyJet airliner from HMS Prince of Wales proves a success.

Head of defence staff Nicholas Houghton insisted that commercial flights between aircraft carriers would allow runways to be moved if there were complaints, and save everyone the bother of having to drive to London.

“Aircraft carriers can adapt to changes in demand”, insisted Houghton. “You can sail one down to Gibraltar if anyone wants to visit there, or divert them to the Falklands if they fancy having a look at a penguin.”

The General pointed out that building ‘just a dozen or so’ new aircraft carriers would serve as a warning to rogue nations that armies of obnoxious tourists could be deployed anywhere in the world.

Using a modified launch ramp that can handle 300 passengers and up to 15 tonnes of duty-free, HMS Prince of Wales can now launch holiday makers with less than 40 seconds warning.

Houghton admitted that passengers would need to adapt slightly before they use the new facility.

“It’s a simple matter of taking the Queen’s shilling”, he explained. “We’re talking about less than 18 weeks basic training, learning how to hold your rum and then swimming a width wearing pyjamas”, he explained.

A spokesman from EasyJet pointed out that the mobility of aircraft carriers might occasionally mean a last-minute change in destination.

“If that happens we can arrange a transfer through our sister company, EasyPedalo”, said George Otway. “But at least you’ll have half a chance of arriving in the country you chose, which is a lot better than you’d get with Ryanair.”

Passengers on the first trial spoke of some difficulties, particularly as the location of their departure aircraft carrier was a closely guarded secret.

“We were flown out here on a rendition flight via Libya, and we’ve had nothing to do for 72 hours”, said one couple. “Our hand luggage has been stolen, there’s bullet holes in our suitcase and the scenery is just one depressing sea of grey. So overall, it’s about the same as flying out of Luton.”

Book now.

You want a “smart” meter? Think again.

A well written website report about the shambles of the rollout by DECC.

A couple of choice paragraphs.

Last week the UK’s Department of Energy and Climate Change announced that the UK’s smart metering deployment was facing another 12 months delay.  That’s 18 months after they announced that the UK’s smart metering deployment was facing another 12 months’ delay.  This is not all bad news.  It means that the growing population of consultants within DECC can look forward to what is fast becoming a never-ending gravy train of consultancy work, public consultations and project reviews.  For the consumer it’s likely to mean even more unnecessary costs heaped onto future energy bills.  But not until after the next election, so nobody in Westminster really cares.

Despite the charade of one step forward, one step backwards, we still don’t know whether the deployment will have any practical value.  There is no EU mandate for it – individual countries need to show that smart metering is cost effective.  The first DECC survey showed it was not, but DECC mandarins then fudged the numbers (not my phrase, but that of an involved MP), since when they’ve spent a considerable amount of time and effort in concealing what’s behind their calculations.  The approach of “DECC knows best” has resulted in the most complex and expensive smart metering scheme in the world, which appears to be beyond the ability of both suppliers and utilities to deliver.

Read the whole post and weep.

Now and then.

Just thought I’d post about the differences in expectations and lifestyle from when I was brought up to the present day.I’m just going to post about household goods and not services.

THEN:

Normal:

freestanding cooker

Sink

coal fires.

Bath

Toilet

valve radio.

Draughty windows and doors.

Luxuries:

Fridge.

Telephone. Often a shared line with your neighbour..

Black and white television.

Unreliable car built by Ford that would rust to scrap in five years or less.

NOW:

Normal:

Range cooker.

Double sink with disposal unit.

Washing machine.

Fridge freezer.

Tumble drier.

Dishwasher.

Electric kettle.

Microwave.

Bathroom suite with shower

Vacuum cleaner.

Central heating.

Double glazing.

Telephone.

Mobile phones.

Computers and the internet.

42 inch colour TV and other smaller ones dotted around the household.

Game console.

Fitted carpets.

One or more cars.

Luxuries:

Yacht.

Private aircraft.

Neither of these lists are extensive. I just thought that I’d show how much we have progressed in the last fifty years.

However we seem to have lost so much in the non materialistic side of things. I could go on at great length about how I miss the way of life in the past where manners were paramount and the individual looked after his own safety. However I’d be likely to bore you to tears, so I won’t.

Then again I might.

 

.

Priceless

I never want to……

hear or see the following:

“It’s for the sake of the Children”

“Lessons will be learnt”. (It should read: The fuckwit in charge, has been hanged sacked immediately).

No smoking.

“Drinkaware” on my booze. ( I’m perfectly aware how much I need to drink before I’m a gibbering wreck).

“It’s the right think to do”. (The head fuckwit politician’s favourite phrase).

“Darling, can you fix the……”(Enter disaster of your choice).

“Ring Ring” We’re just carrying out a short survey. (After twenty boring minutes you finally find out what they’re selling).

I could probably think of many more if I wanted to.

Please add your pet hates in the comments.

How Much!

On Saturday I received a letter from HRMC telling me how much tax I’d paid in the year 2013 – 2014. The table is reproduced below. Naively I’d presumed that the largest proportion would have been spent on the NHS and defence of the realm. I was astounded to see the top item and the sum involved.

Now I’d always considered that welfare was a safety net to help those that had fallen on hard times.

I’d dearly love to have it broken down to where the £16.67/week that I pay is really going.

Which bloody, never had a job, doesn’t want one anyway, Chav, is getting my money. At the very least I expect a Christmas card.

Could you have found the wrong cause?

Antismokers of tobacco control.

If you look at the graph below you’ll note that as all the serious ailments attributed to smoking tobacco have gone up, smoking prevalence has fallen.

I would suggest that they have failed to find the real cause for those illnesses. The problem is that unless someone with some semblance of power questions the figures, more people will needlessly die.

Might they just look at the rise in diesel powered vehicles and wonder if there is any correlation?

Trends in smoking and health in the USA

This is a hand drawn pictorial representation using government data from CDC (Centres for Disease Control) and data from 'The American Cancer Society', 'The American Lung Association', and 'The American Lung Association'. It does not appear that smoking or smoke is 'causing' any of these things, but they all represent 'healthy' profit centres  for the pharmaceutical industry.

They don’t muck around.

The Spanish navy that is……

The film is about how the Spanish navy weren’t going to put up with any shit from Greenpiss who were going to board an oil drilling ship.

The Spanish Defense Ministry has justified the actions of the country’s navy, which rammed into a Greenpeace boat, injuring activists. The ministry believes the Navy had no other choice as they were preventing an act of “piracy.”

The Navy “did what it had to do” to prevent the environmentalist group from committing a “crime of piracy,” the Defense Ministry told Europa Press on Monday.

And well done too. It might make them realise that they’re not all powerful, and can do what they want without consequences. They were warned.

The Navy argues the Greenpeace boats ignored several warnings urging them not to enter the so-called exclusion zone around the oil drilling ship, which extends for one maritime mile.