cooking

Don’t drink and cook

Hic.

The appliance of science

The video below only makes sense to those who have a strong background in engineering. It’s a ground breaking invention¹.

Or Not.

¹ This is how you need to look and sound when you're talking WAY over your head. How this guy manages to keep a straight face is beyond me. I was waiting for him to start cracking up, like I was, listening to himself. The explanation is totally untrue, but sounds reasonable.
Many years ago, Rockwell International decided to get into the heavy duty automatic transmission business. They were preparing to tape their first introductory video and, as a warm up, one of the stage crew began a monologue that has become legend within the training industry.  This man should have won an academy award for his performance.

Now keep in mind, this was a rehearsal for camera, lighting, and stage crew,and he had no script!  This is all strictly off the cuff, nothing is written down, and nothing he says is true.  It's just meaningless drivel and BS made up as he goes along. I am told this video is still utilized as a training aide for incoming congressmen, lawyers, and current White House Administrators.

Chicanery writ large.

As some of you know. I’m a smoker.

Shortly there is going to be a parliamentary meeting to discuss whether plain packaging of tobacco products should be introduced.

Both sides of the argument have been mustering support for their relevant viewpoints before the closing day for submissions. Tomorrow.

Yesterday the “Tobacco Control Industry” had only managed to garner 75,000 replies in support, whereas the “Hands of our packs” had managed to collect at least 235,000. However the plain packs puritans are not known for the British sense of fair play and have resorted to grubby underhand tactics.

Having seen that their efforts were failing they’ve now resorted to using a Brazilian origin web site to try and reinforce their oppressive message.

You can read more of the story here.

And before any Anti-smokers think about nipping over there to sign the petition, I suggest you think long and hard before you do.

Do you like a drink or two, or maybe you like your food a little too much?

Let me tell you. There are other single issue groups that are looking to see how this tobacco control template pans out. Don’t be surprised if your favourite tipple or gastronomic delight is sold to you with a plain label,covered in health warnings and graphic pictures of diseased livers and high blood pressure warnings.

You have been warned. Soon you will be living in a grey world where all the fun has been removed by the state.

A few simple facts

 

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Doreen has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.

A man bought a waterbed but unfortunately his house  caught fire and he was poached to death.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
News flashes:
1. Now on sale at IKEA – beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

2. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

View from Mars

 

Olympics

 

A lorry has arrived in London carrying barbed wire and wooden posts......turns out its the Irish Olympic fencing team.

 

Sorry.

A bloody nuisance

or two

Everything seems to be conspiring against this scribe.

My left shoulder is still buggered (I don’t know why). I know I should visit the doctor, but finding I was struck of the register and having to re-register, they don’t fill me with ease. More a sense of foreboding.

Secondly I’ve tried to help my eldest daughter, her husband, and infant with their home move. Needless to say the solicitors and an estate agent completely fucked that up. There is light at the end of the tunnel. However knowing our luck it will be an approaching train.

Thirdly, my trusted mower broke down and I stupidly trusted a so called expert firm to repair it. I even told them what the repair needed was. They had the offending machine for four weeks to carry out the repair. I could have done that repair in four hours if I’d the tools.

You can imagine how long the grass grew in that time. I mowed it today. All today.

Fourthly. I took my car in about four months ago to have the juddering, under braking fixed. After forking out a huge sum for the front disks and pads to be renewed, guess what? They’re bloody juddering again FFS? Last time they tried to blame me for overzealous braking. What will they try to blame me with this time?

Fifthly. I went to the garage yesterday afternoon to get a beer. I was driven out by a swarm of wasps. Bastards. However the end was nigh for those buggers. After twilight and having suitably dressed myself in protective clothing, I had great delight in eradicating those evil creatures from this earth. Sue me if you like, Greenpeace.

Hopefully this week will be better.

Blonds

 

Nuf said.

* No locks were damaged in the making of this movie *

Newspaper

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad,

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it.

Smokers Forum

Nothing2Declare has just started a Forum for smokers to talk about smoking issues. Especially cross border shopping.

Can be found HERE