Politeness.

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly

 

asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his

 

religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time

 

of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music

 

which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched

 

off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab

 

asked him, "What are you doing? "The cabbie answered,

 

"In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so fuck off and wait

 

for a camel!"

Scotland against spin

A new site dedicated to fighting against the scourge of wind farms in Scotland. I don't live in Scotland, but I wish them the best in their fight.

Here is their mission statement:

Scotland Against Spin is the name of a new national alliance of anti-wind farm campaigners.

It was set up following the successful, very vocal, protest in Perth last October. That day made clear that people across Scotland had had enough of current government wind policy and were looking for a new, stronger initiative to support. People want the truth, deserve the truth and will fight to get the truth.

Scotland Against Spin is against the spin of the turbines, the spin of the developers, the spin of trade association Scottish Renewables and the spin of the Scottish Government. We will attack their spin in the media, with facts and demands for data relating to such statements, and strive to make the wider public aware of how they are funding such a deceitful industry.

 

A recent report (14th January 2013) stated that nearly 10,000 people felt so strongly against wind turbines that they have written to the Scottish Government to tell them so. Many more have objected to their local councils. Scotland Against Spin wants to reach out to the huge number of individuals, groups and activists across Scotland who are fighting wind developments where they live and in areas they care about.

To make this mission successful we need you all. Your expertise, experience and dogged determination are invaluable and will lead us to triumph over the injustice that is being forced upon us. We will lobby the government for a moratorium on further wind development until the facts regarding all issues have been independently scrutinised and the true data made public.

 

As an embryonic organisation our website is still under construction and the finer details have yet to be addressed. We wanted you to know that there is a dedicated team of experienced campaigners who are volunteering their time to bring this together so we can start making an impact against this destructive policy now!

 

Scotland Against Spin is going live on facebook and Twitter so feel free to join in and help spread the word that we are here and that we want everyone to join us. The more supporters we have, the more noise we can make and the sooner our politicians will be forced to act.

Please register with Scotland Against Spin here

Here is their web address

A novel way to go to work.

It was November 1983 when the phone rang.

"Good morning FE, this is your appointer. I want you to join the RFA (Royal Fleet Auxiliary) Sir Percivale on the 11th of December. You'll need to fly out from RAF Brize Norton and join the ship at Ascension Island. Oh and bye the way you'll be joining as temporary acting 2nd Engineer Officer".

Now I wasn't going to refuse a pay rise so I answered in the affirmative, naval jargon.

"Oh Goody"

On the appointed date I caught the train to Swindon and after a coach ride from the Station, I duly arrived at Brize Norton, the evening before my flight was due to leave. There I was allocated senior officer accommodation (You don't have to share a bog standard two star bedroom). The following morning, after a hearty breakfast (Tea and Coffee), I repaired to the front desk and enquired when the coach would be leaving for the aircraft. The response being "Oh no Sir. We have a staff car waiting for you". (Oh goody, again). However a further surprise was awaiting.

On boarding the aircraft (A VC10), I found that I was going to be the only passenger. Now  you might think that's great, till I looked around to see what else was being transported. You'll never guess.

A fucking shed load of ammunition filling the rest of the plane. Obviously a no smoking flight. Damn.

With all this cargo of course, that meant that it would require a stop for fuel on the way. So after many hours of flight (We were late taking off anyway as the door wouldn't close without a lot of brute force) with myself flitting between peering at the labels on the cargo and and chatting to the flight crew up front, we arrived at our fuelling stop.

Dakar in Senegal.

By this time I was looking forward to the stop. Visions of cold beer and food had been floating before my eyes for some time. (Compo ration chicken curry is not my idea of airline food).

Not to be. Instead of the aircraft turning of the runway and heading for the terminal, it turned the  other way  and headed for the furthest point from the terminal and finally parked next to a smelly monsoon ditch. I was reliably informed by the flight crew that the Sengalese don't like their terminals disappearing caused by massive explosions from aircraft filled with ammunition.

Well at least we could get off and smoke. There was a mad rush down the portable steps when they arrived. I was first off due to pulling rank and off course being closer to the door helped. We didn't even stop smoking when a bowser started filling up the aircraft with aviation fuel.

Eventually having filled up with fuel, we set off on our final leg.

Finally we arrived at our destination without any big bangs and I was that little bit further on my journey.

After entering the airport building I was met by an RAF corporal who was there to take me to my next VIP accommodation for the night. After a quite dodgy journey in a very dodgy, seen better days, landrover I arrived at my quarters. This was an amazing device called a "Concertina". An american version of a portacabin which could be flatpacked for transit and then quickly erected when required. Of course being a yank construct it had lighting and air conditioning built in. Even a telephone.

After telling me that he'd pick me up at 0800 the corporal drove off in his even more dodgy landrover. I did hope he'd come by with four wheels and not three and one trying to emulate a mobius loop.

*I promise you the journey will end soon*

Dawn Broke.

Right on time my friendly corporal turned up and I loaded my suitcases in the back and we set off in the direction of the airfield. Of course I politely asked why we were setting off in this direction, when the jetty was in the opposite direction . To be politely informed by the driver, "Nah Sir, the swell is to great today, so you're going out by chopper" (Helicopter). ooh err.

On arriving at the Chopper landing area and unloading my gear I asked forementioned driver what I should do now? The reply came thus. "When you see a chopper landing just stick your thumb up and ask them to give you a lift". (Before you say bullshit, this was absolutely true at this time after the conflict).

So I did. To a sodding great Sea king.

Mistake. I should have waited for something a little smaller.

The reason being that a Sea King is too big to land on the flight deck of an LSL. (Landing Ship Logistic).

Now as you may have gathered, is that I'm an engineer by profession, and to fly in something that is held up by brute force, with the handling glide characteristics of a brick, is really not my idea of sustainable transportation. However the worst was to come.

After a few minutes I became suspicious when one of the flight crew started tieing  my suitcases together and playing abstractly with the winch. It finally dawned. I was going to be lowered down on a thin wire onto a rolling and pitching ship.

Oh shit.

Actually they didn't lower me onto the ship. They lowered me onto a 40' container on the deck of the ship. Normally the outgoing Engineer will give a handover, verbally and written to his relief, before leaving. You try doing that on top of a container with a multi horsepower egg beater hovering overhead.

That's enough for the night. maybe I'll write the sequel.  Penguins, Bofors gun, how I made millions a few quid from expenses, Gibraltar, how I lost a child? And much, much, more

Ring………..

You’ll notice in the title that there’s only one ring. Not the usual two, as in Here and Here.

OMG. The front door bell has been operated!

Of course the time was about 11 O’clock this morning and yours truly was not expecting callers. The dustmen had been. Of course it might be a snatch squad from the council that have found that the bin contained radioactive waste (A defunct smoke alarm)( Ok it was in the green bin). Or it could have been the post girl arriving early with an unexpected parcel (unlikely).

Your host of this blog warily heads to the front door and sees through the frosted pane, two dark figures silhouetted.

After unlocking three locks, removing three chains, and four bolts your host gingerly peered out.

And what did I see?

Two women dressed for the cold and pushing buggies with semi comatose infants.

Just as I was about to cry, “Bugger off you begging Chavs, Jehovah’s witnesses, solar panel harpies, or wind turbine transvestites”. I realised the truth. Just in time. Only just*.

It was my daughters and their kids. They’d just been up to the local shop and thought they’d call in on their Dad. Thank God for my lightening reactions.

I think I’ll invest in CCTV.

 * This post would not haven been written as I expect that I would be residing in land fill by now.

Objection!

 

Says it all really.

At least someone has a sense of humour.

Official White House Response to Secure resources and funding, and begin construction of a Death Star by 2016.

This Isn't the Petition Response You're Looking For

By Paul Shawcross
The Administration shares your desire for job creation and a strong national defense, but a Death Star isn't on the horizon. Here are a few reasons:

• The construction of the Death Star has been estimated to cost more than $850,000,000,000,000,000. We're working hard to reduce the deficit, not expand it.
• The Administration does not support blowing up planets.
• Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?

Full answer HERE

Ring Ring.

And no it’s not my niece.

Me: (Gingerly picks up the phone as it is a number I don’t recognise) Hello?

Caller: Is that Mr FE?

Me: Speaking.

Caller: I hope you are well today (Why that should be any concern of there’s I don’t know).

Me: Well I’m suffering from the winter lurgy and hope this doesn’t get passed down the phone line to you (Smiles).

Caller: (Pause) Sorry to hear that but I’m interested if you'd be interested in our home energy improvements.

Next follows a pre-prepared script about the energy savings that could be obtained.

Me: Ok. Tell me more.

Caller: We can get a grant to help you install our loft installation.

Me: Great. Can you supply me with a loft to go with it? (I have a three story house which has no loft) 

Caller: (Long pause). You have no loft?

Me: Nope.

Caller: Ok. Can we interest you in cavity wall insulation?

Me: So you want to destroy the integrity of the structure of my house?

Caller: Not at all Sir.

Me: Explain why I should inject a substance that will negate the whole idea that a cavity wall is there to prevent damp passing from the exterior to the inside.?

Caller: (Longer pause).

Me: Don’t worry, I haven’t any cavity walls anyway..

Caller: (Now realising is he’s lost, tries one last gambit), Can we interest you in solar panels?.

Me: (By now I’ve lost the will to live) No. Unless you can guarantee me free power for twenty years with no expense to me.

Caller: Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, (Rings off)

That game

 

Drugs. Lots of them.

Last night I was up late watching the idiot box and turned over and just watched a programme entailing the plod catching crims possessing small amounts of cocaine and other illegal substances. From what I gathered just a few grams was sufficient apparently to charge the owner with “intent to supply”.
A few grams. That’s nothing in my book.
A few years back, I was serving on the APT(N). (Atlantic Patrol Tanker(North)).

Our mission was four fold.

1. Protect British interests.

2. Disaster relief.

3. Anti drug operations.

4. Advanced guard for the invasion to take the USA back into British ownership. (Ok I made this one up, just to see if you are still awake.)

Our primary area of operations was the waters of the Caribbean, with our base in Barbados.
Most of our time that trip was taken up with option 3, the anti drugs operation. Most of the time working with American assets. Maritime patrol aircraft, The USCG, and the USN,
Apart from our usual on-board assets such as the ship’s weaponry, we also carried a boarding team from the USGG, a lynx helicopter, and some very secret listening equipment.

One day we were ordered out to sea to track and maybe intercept a couple of Contacts of interest (COI) heading out of the Caribbean.
After some days we closed with the first COI and proceeded to shadow it over night until daybreak. During this time we would launch the Lynx to scan the vessel with it’s thermal imaging system. Just before daybreak the Lynx would be launched and head to the COI and call for it to heave to (Stop). At the same time we would go to maximum speed and close with the COI as quickly as possible. Or so it's supposed to happen.

What actually happened is that the propulsion control was set to maximum, followed by a muffled bang, and a slowing to a stop by the vessel. We'd blown a thyristor in the synchroconvertor system. (This the electrickery that converts the AC electrical supply from the generators into DC supply required by the propulsion motors.). That's sod's law at it's best.

I can see your eyelids starting to droop. Wake up at the back. It's my blog and you will stay awake .

(God I'm a boring writer) I'm not sure I want to write anymore of this as I've got to proof read it.

Still here goes.

Finally after hasty repairs we launched the Lynx again and hastened in pursuit, finally closing with the COI of interest that had been stopped by a carefully aimed burst of machine gun fire across it's bow. by the door gunner in the Lynx.

Immediately we launched our Rigid Inflatable Boat (RIB) full to bursting with  heavily armed CG personnel who boarded the vessel. Although the vessel was suspicious in that it had rather more oil drums on deck for a fishing vessel, and a paucity of fishing gear, nothing was found. Although chemical swabs showed that there had been cocaine onboard at sometime. So after giving them some water (Actually in the spirit of seafarers everywhere we gave them a case of beer as well), we let them go.

Thinking that was that, we turned round and headed back to Barbados, thinking about the beach and Rum punches that they do so well there.

Think again. Shortly afterwards we were ordered to track another COI and board it. After carrying out the same procedure as before we boarded this vessel also (a bigger fishing vessel). And what did we find?

A small amount of Cocaine? Well if you can call 3.2 Metric Tonnes small. That is 3,200 kilos, or Three million, two hundred thousand grammes. Now that has a street value uncut, at $225,000,000.

Of course you would think that we should just have thrown the Cocaine overboard. No because the vessel was flagged to a foreign country by international agreement they had to decide what was to become of it.

So we eventually had to take it to (That's another story entirely) the country of origin , Venezuela. Which we did.

I suspect the cargo was turned round in short order and re-exported. (Why we didn't quietly sidle off and sell it and the our ship as a job lot on E bay I'll never know).

OI, wake up at the back, the story's over.

Socially Unacceptable Humour.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I returned to the charity shop to get all of her clothes back.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and
talking behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a
wheel chair."

At the Senior Citizens Centre they had a contest the other day. I lost
by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa ! Who knew?

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing
commonly found in cells. It appears that Blacks is not the correct
answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping centre, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new
bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they
drive slowly past schools.

A friend of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his
girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He
said, "Her brother's got a moustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on
Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing
I know, 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I
said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in
my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn,
you sick bastard."

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we would love to, but our
garden hose only reaches the driveway.