Snow and motoring

When are we going to teach people to drive in snow? I’ve just spent 3 hours on the slowly orbiting car park around London.(M25). Some of the driving defies belief. Being overtaken by idiots driving in blizzard conditions at a rate that is dangerous at the best of times is stupid. At the other end of the spectrum is the idiot who drives so slow compared with the average, that lorries appear to overtake nearing light speed.

One piece of interest was some sort of incident on the opposite carriage way. I’d love to know why there was a need for eight fire engines?

Huhne’s Downfall

I knew one would come along.

H/T to Katabasis

Snow safety video. Public service message.

Expecting snow? Here is a public service broadcast on how to fit snow chains to your vehicle. Keep your eyes on the tyres, you at the back!

You weren't concentrating? Well don’t blame me when you end up in the ditch.

Newspapers

True stories:

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

2) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

3) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(TheTimes)

4) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

5) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

The Religion of……….

Petrol.

just saying.

Killing two birds with one log

In case you think I’ve got the quote wrong. Tough.

Hopefully I’m upsetting both of the groups below:

The first bird is the Green lobby that rant on about reducing our carbon footprint. (Should I eradicate myself, seeing that I’m a carbon based lifeform?)

Second is my energy supplier which has upped my energy charges by over 20%. (I’m waiting for their pleading letter asking me not to switch energy suppliers, which I’m in the process of doing).

What have I done to upset both groups?

I lit the open fire. (And not using that smokeless crap coal either).

All that carbon and CO2 disappearing up the chimney is visually attractive and a great comfort, in that I upset the greens in the first instance. The second is I diminish the profits of my energy supplier.

There’s nothing more satisfying than throwing another log on the pile and seeing that comforting swirl of sparks and the puff of smoke caused by it.

Groan

 

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."

"Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
 
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought,

"I can get one cheaper off the web."

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

A shame

But it had to happen to a faithful friend.

I served in the ship pictured  below, eleven times.

As the first ship to sail into Stanley Harbour after the Argentinian surrender on June 14, 1982, Sir Percivale won a special place in the hearts of islanders and her crew.

And now:

Now, 28 years after Argentina invaded the Falklands, this once great servant of the Royal Fleet Auxiliary is dying by a thousand cuts.

Work on dismembering the rusting hulk in a Merseyside dry dock began in June and is already well under way.

Simon Capps, 35, sales manager of ship recycling company Leavesley International, said: ‘Many servicemen come to visit the ships we dismantle and shed a few tears.

‘All the steel goes off to China and eastern Europe and will probably come back as cars or even a can of beans in your cupboard.’ In her pomp the 5,674-tonne vessel could carry 500 troops and 50 crew.

Oh well, mustn’t dwell in the past.

ACTA: The new threat to the net

More prohibition on it’s way.

ACTA - a global treaty - could allow corporations to censor the Internet. Negotiated in secret by a small number of rich countries and corporate powers, it would set up a shadowy new anti-counterfeiting body to allow private interests to police everything that we do online and impose massive penalties -- even prison sentences -- against people they say have harmed their business.

If you want to make a stand sign the petition HERE

1,217,870 1,218,175  have signed. Help us get to our new target of 2,000,000.

Fancy a curry?

Natal, South Africa, has the highest quota of Indians outside of India...
Natal curry contest.

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end.......

NOTE: If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in
Natal, you know how typical this is!

They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a
major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was
visiting from America.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry
Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and so
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all
that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BABOOS BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen,
the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg
woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them

CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I
fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice cream.

CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage
that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - NAIDOOS TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 - No Report

H/T to Dave Wheeler.