Parting is such sweet sorrow.

(Apologies to Juliet and Mr Shakespeare).

As you may know or not, I’ve just been on an idyllic holiday in Crete. There all the advantages that you can find on that Island, that stand out from the UK.  Sun, warm sea, good inexpensive food, and the best of all. Negligible smoking regulations.

The Greek government might have brought in laws, but the general population have just ignored them. It was wonderful just being able to sit in a bar and light up when you felt the need. ASH should take note. I actually smoked less as I felt no need to try and fit a quick fag in between venues.

There was only one bar that we visited which had any sort of regulation sign showing. In this taverna there were signs stating “No smoking beyond this point”. This was obviously just for show, as on putting my cigs and lighter on the table behind me, the next thing I heard was a muffled clunk. Turning round I perceived that the waitress had just left me an ashtray.

The beauty of it was there was no one in any of the bars or restaurants that did the antismoking faux pas coughing or hand waving that is seen in the UK. If only the British pubs and clubs could mobilise together to stick two fingers up to the jobworths  who infest our sceptred Isle. (Sorry again Will. From Richard II, Act 2).

Fuck me. I’ll be writing poetry next. Oh dear. I already have in my last post. Bugger. I need to slowly recover from a surfeit of retsina and metaxa. I may recover.

I’m back

Did you miss me? No, thought not

 

Just a bit of poetry till I can think of some of my usual to write about.

 

Goodbye to my England, So long my old friend
Your days are numbered, being brought to an end
To be Scottish, Irish or Welsh that's fine
But don't say you're English, that's way out of line..

The French and the Germans may call themselves such
So may Norwegians, the Swedes and the Dutch
You can say you are Russian or maybe a Dane
But don't say you're English ever again.

At Broadcasting House the word is taboo
In Brussels it's scrapped, in Parliament too
Even schools are affected.. Staff do as they're told
They must not teach children about England of old.

Writers like Shakespeare, Milton and Shaw
The pupils don't learn about them anymore
How about Agincourt, Hastings , Arnhem or Mons ?
When England lost hosts of her very brave sons..

We are not Europeans, how can we be?
Europe is miles away, over the sea
We're the English from England, let's all be proud
Stand up and be counted - Shout it out loud!

Let's tell our Government and Brussels too
We're proud of our heritage and the Red, White and Blue
Fly the flag of Saint George or the Union Jack
Let the world know - WE WANT ENGLAND BACK !!!!

 

I’ll write about the Holiday burglary in due course.

I’m off

On Holiday.

Tomorrow Seven of us get up at the crack of dawn and head off to sunnier climes.

I’ve successfully checked in on line and the boarding passes have now been printed.

Packed. Not yet.

Still got to try and round up the cats and get them to the cattery. May have to stop at the chemist and buy some bandages on the way back.

 

The Villa

 

The outdoor bar and Barbecue area.

 

The Lounge

 

The Pool (Totty not included)

 

It’s going to be hell. Wish me luck.

It’s going to get Ugly.

Sometimes,  stories just write themselves.  This is one of those times.

Priscilla Agosto has made some rather serious allegations regarding sexual harassment regarding  her former employer.  However, the employer, People’s Choice Reality, has mounted, shall we say, a rather politically  incorrect  defense…

A 23-year-old lesbian says the Brooklyn real estate office she once worked in is a den of deviants where raunchy sexcapades were the norm.

But the bosses she’s suing say she’s too ugly to harass.

Priscilla Agosto ran a gauntlet of sexual humilition – verbal and physical – in her 14 miserable months at People’s Choice Realty, her suit against its three bosses says.

No less than seven male employees made lewd advances at her – even after she complained to the bosses, she said in papers filed in Brooklyn Supreme Court.

Her male co-workers exposed themselves, rubbed up against her and even asked for oral sex, she alleges.

And they even offered $500 to watch her have sex with her girlfriend, she said.

“I hope and pray that by sharing my story, anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation will have the courage to speak up,” said Agosto.

Odelia Berlianshik, the owner of the Williamsburg firm, denied the charges – and launched a shocking attack on Agosto’s appearance.

“Who would touch her? She’s an ugly girl anyway,” she said of the former secretary. “She made up a story because she didn’t want to work.”

Agosto’s lawyer Brendan Chao said another former employee corroborated much of his client’s account.

So, this leads to a rather interesting confrontation-the accuser, who is female, vs. the business owner, who is also female.  Whose side might the feminazis take?  If they side against the accuser, they give up on victim status against the evil humans with a penis patriarchy.  However, if they go after the business owner, aren’t they attacking a fellow woman who has climbed the ladder, breached the glass ceiling, and fought off the evil humans with a penis patriarchy?

Who knows?  But it would be fun to watch.

Tuesday Tomfoolery

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.  When I
quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3
hours later and they're still walking about with it.  I thought to myself,
they've lost the plot!!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was
refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.  A spokesman for the
channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand
the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!!  B******s to this, I thought, I can
get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their
new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.  I thought that was a bit
harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

I start a new job in Seoul next week.  I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.  I thought to myself
'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking
Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our
country?'

Global Facts About Sex

At Any Given Moment:

FACT #1:

79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!

FACT #2:

58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT #3:

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT #4:

One, lonely, elderly person is reading Blog posts.

The Olympic Torch 2012

London Olympics

A new sport from the one and only Max Farquar

Antipodean Fun

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour.

 
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-li-a is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q:Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum Trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Well Done Mr Plod.

One of Britain’s finest undoes any respect for the Police gained after the looting and rioting. Why throw your weight around and alienate the public, when more than ever you need to bring the public onside?

In the past a good copper would have used the power of persuasion, complete with a smile  to get the result he desired. The man complaining hadn’t actually committed an offence as far as I could perceive, other than filming the police and moving around.

Has it really come to the position that we are stopped because we might be thinking of committing an offence?

Why do they do it?