Egging you on.

Fancy bombing the Houses of Parliament, Tripoli, Your next door neighbour, or whatever floats your boat. Here you can do it with a ballistic Cadbury’s creme egg. You need patience as it takes a while for the page to load.

H/T to Max

Shopping

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The shop assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am.  But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

(For overseas readers. Halfords is a car accessory shop).

The Census

Just in case you are having a little trouble with your census form, here are a few tips to help.

1.First and most important, your census form will be scanned by a machine. Of course, the machine will only be able to handle your form if it is in good physical condition. If the sheets (which will be automatically cut apart from their binding) are sullied in any way which might gum up the machine, the job will have to be done by an actual person, which will cost more and be very slow although it will have the benefit of providing temporary employment for someone. So be very careful with your form, and do not, repeat NOT, spill coffee over it or smear some of the sheets with marmalade.

 
2.The machine will know which page it's on, and whose form it is reading, by scanning the little barcodes in the bottom right hand corner of each page. So don't, whatever you do, sit idly there filling in the spaces in the barcode with a black pen. You know how it is when your attention wanders and you start doodling. Don't do it.

3.Likewise, the machine will only look for information in the little boxes provided for you to write in. If you make a mistake, and have to cross it out and then put the correct answer outside the box, the machine will be stumped. Nevertheless, we all make mistakes, and if this is what you have to do in order to comply with your legal responsibility, you have little choice. Remember, anything written outside the box will have to be read by a human.

4.Something else that will confuse the scanner is if you absent-mindedly turn the page and write in the boxes upside down, or if you use any peculiar symbols of your own that it can't recognise. So don't do it – unless, of course, your religion requires you to. In this case you probably ought to answer the voluntary question about religion, and add a detailed account of the responsibilities attaching to that particular belief. The census is all about collecting information, after all, so I’m sure they'll be pleased if you give them plenty of it!

5.No doubt when all your personal information is entered into the computer, it will be cross-matched against other information already held by the Stasi thought police kindly and helpful authorities who have only your best interests at heart. If you have made any small errors in the information you have given, this won't work. You know how easy it is to leave a letter out of your name, or get one figure of your telephone number wrong, that sort of thing. To err is human, of course, but I urge you to be very careful and not make any mistakes. And if you do, see previous paragraph.

6.There are one or two questions that cannot be answered honestly and accurately. None of us know with certainty what our ethnic group is, unless we are fanatical family historians and have researched our genealogy for generations past. Even then, if we went far enough back most Europeans would probably have to conclude that their original ethnic group was Aryan, and I believe the Aryans originally came from Northern India, so can they accurately be described as “white” on the form? Really the only honest answer to this question has to be “Don't know”.

7.The form has a big barcode on the front page, and is arranged so that when you put it in the pre-paid envelope, the barcode can be read through the transparent window. If for any reason the barcode can't be read, the package will have to be sorted by hand which will take more time and cost more money, so do make sure the barcode is visible and that you haven't doodled on it. One disastrous scenario which you must avoid is that if the front page of the form became detached (say, by the dog getting it, or your infant child) and you put that in the envelope provided and posted it, the system would log you as having completed the whole questionnaire. But then you would realise your mistake, collect together the remaining sheets, put them in another envelope and send them off. Do make sure you put the right address, and that you don't send a lot of envelopes each with one sheet in, and that you remember to put a stamp on each one. You can imagine the mess it would cause if you made any of these silly mistakes!

I hope you have found these notes helpful, and that we can all play our part in making a mess success of this ridiculously expensive intrusive worthwhile exercise which will be vital to this and future governments in deciding which services we can do without and how much space there is for poor deserving immigrants who need a place to live. I'd like to stress that the reason the form asks how many bedrooms you have and whether you have central heating is NOT because they're planning to billet a couple of Somali families with you.
That would be ridiculous, of course.

Too difficult, Mr Met Plod?

Repeat after me.

Use the Green one for petrol, and the Black one for diesel.

FFS read it. I would make the Officers concerned pay for the repairs out of  their own pockets. No wonder that they can’t even handle a couple of  hundred anarchists.

Oh Dear

I think I may have buggered up filling in my Census form on line.

If you see someone wandering the streets muttering that he has been kicked out of his 12 bedroom home by his white hindu wife, whilst chanting the religious mantra “Smokers will ascend to heaven”, in Albanian. That might be me. Of course the main reason for the wandering is, that in my old age, I’ve forgotten where my 10 company cars are parked.

Oh well, Ho Hum.

Guess?

If you’re that sure of the effects of climate change, then you might think about singing from the same Hymn sheet.

Climate scientist and warmist Andy Pitman on Thursday:

If we could stop emissions tomorrow we would still have 20 to 30 years of warming ahead of us because of inertia of the system.

Climate Commissioner and warmist Tim Flannery on Friday:

If the world as a whole cut all emissions tomorrow the average temperature of the planet is not going to drop in several hundred years, perhaps as much as a thousand years

Nicked from Andrew Bolt over at the Herald Sun.

Hah.

Good Morning Ladies and Gentlemen.

The debate about global warming has reached ridiculous proportions and is full of micro thin half-truths and misunderstandings. I am a scientist who was on the carbon gravy train, understands the evidence,  was once an alarmist, but am now a skeptic. Watching this issue unfold has been amusing but, lately, worrying. This issue is tearing society apart, making fools and liars out of our politicians.

Do and read the whole article at Jo Nova’s blog

Alert.

”An Earthquake measuring 5.2 on the Richter scale hit the new city of Milton Keynes on Wednesday morning.

”Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying ”bang out of order”, ”mental” and ”sorted”.

”Some are still confused that something interesting actually happened in Newport Pagnell!

”Some residents of Fishermead were woken before their ‘giros’ arrived and it caused quite a panic!

”The earthquake decimated half of the Fullers Slade area causing in excess of £17.55 worth of damage.

”Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza, Corfu, Rhyl and Blackpool were damaged beyond repair including a cute little donkey that ‘broke wind’ when you clapped your hands.

”Preserved areas of historic importance were destroyed and many piles of scientifically significant litter were disturbed.

”One resident of Netherfield, Miss Kylie Davies a 15 year old mother of four said ”It was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Destiny came running into my bedroom crying; my hands were shaking that much I could hardly concentrate on Jeremy Kyle”.

”The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 4,000 crates of Red Bull to the area to help with the crisis.

”Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found numerous ”Elizabeth Duke” sovereign rings, benefit books and Poundstretcher ornaments.

”How can you help?

”This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster.

”Clothing is most sought after. Urgently needed are Lacoste tracksuits, white socks, Burberry caps, Beanie hats and Rockports.

”Food parcels are also needed. They include McCain oven chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch, Hollands pies and Iceland pizza.

”Alcohol is also in short supply, especially White Lightening Cider and Special Brew.

”Cash donations are also needed. 22p buys a ‘signing-on’ biro, £2.50 buys a pie and chips, £20.00 buys a fake MOT and £16.00 buys 200 Regal ciggies from the back of Tomo’s lorry. Your help is appreciated.”

Will the Plod be after me now?

SOURCE

Bloody greenery

From the Evening Standard

Households will be hit by an average £17 rise in electricity bills as a result of green measures in the Budget, it emerged today.

Official documents predict bills will be four per cent higher by 2016 because of George Osborne's decision to drive investment in renewable energy by charging fossil-fuel burning power suppliers a minimum price for carbon emissions from 2013.

The Budget "red book" said 40 per cent of the cost would fall on households, leading to an immediate one per cent rise in electricity bills that will grow by 2016.

It said the pain would be felt hardest by the poor, single parents and the elderly with a risk that fuel poverty will get worse.

The "red book" claims energy prices will start to fall by the 2020s, but a Taxpayers Alliance spokesman said: "This is a Budget which will substantially raise energy prices."

Green nonsense. I’m even too annoyed to swear.

Really Green

In the line at the shop, the cashier told the older woman that plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized to her and explained, “We didn’t have the green thing  back in my day.”

That’s right, they didn’t have the green thing in her day. Back then, they returned their milk bottles, Coke bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, using the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But they didn’t have the green thing back her day.

In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn’t have an escalator in every shop and office building.

They walked to the supermarket and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two hundred yards. But she’s right. They didn’t have the green thing in her day.

Back then, they washed the baby’s nappies because they didn’t have the disposable kind.

They dried clothes on a washing line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 3000 watts per hour – wind and solar power really did dry the clothes.

Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right, they didn’t have the green thing back in her day.

Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a pizza dish, not a screen the size of France.

In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn’t have electric machines to do everything for you.

When they packaged a fragile item to send in the post, they used wadded up newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, they didn’t start up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power.

They exercised by working so they didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she’s right, they didn’t have the green thing back then.

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty, instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water.

They refilled pens with ink, instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got blunt. But they didn’t have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the bus and children rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus, instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi service.

They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. 
And they didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza hut.

But that old lady is right. They didn’t have the green thing back in her day.