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Wednesday, 30 November 2011

A view from the smoking underclass

ciggie

In days gone by when 50% of the population smoked, smokers were accepted in real society. No-one complained with a wave of their hand in front of their nostrils about the evils of smoking. In fact every home had a surfeit of ashtrays, even if they didn’t smoke themselves. Some homes even had a miraculous globe that when pushed, opened up and displayed a plethora of cigarettes. Smoking was as normal as the air we breath. There was no prejudice against smokers. We were people that had a habit that was innocuous but smelt differently.

Fast forward forty years.

We are now the new pariahs.

When the new puritans  found that the populace ignored their false prophecies, that decreed all smokers will die a horrible death, they had to come up with something else.

Second hand smoke. Therefore:

No smoking on aeroplanes. The airlines loved that. Layoff the cleaning staff and reduce the filtration systems

No smoking on trains. More staff cuts.

No smoking in public places. Bansturbators’ heaven.

(Pity the pubs are all closing due to the fact that I and other smokers find the whole experience now, of having to furtively sidle out to a sham smoking shelter, too much to stand for.)

Now they are trying to prevent us from smoking in our own property.

That will be a bridge to far.

Firstly they have tried to introduce a bill to prevent smoking in their own property, our cars. From Hansard

smoking in private vehicles bill

Motion made, That the Bill be now read a Second time.

Hon. Members: Object.

Bill to be read a Second time on Friday 20 January 2012.

This is of course a trial bill, all in the name of “Think of the Cheeeldren”, just to see how far they can push.

If they win that round, then the next step is your home.

I’m not sure how they will enforce it though? Will we be compelled to fit nicotine detection alarms linked to a central control room. Or will they recruit a division of state sponsored curtain twitchers with the power to force entry with immediate powers of arrest?

In that case I shall cast out the scrounging cats and buy the largest, most vicious dog I can find. Then let them try, if they dare. 

And of course it won’t end there. You real ale drinkers and those of a drinking persuasion are in the firing line.

Of course DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE HAVE A DRINK WITH YOUR MEAL. Alcohol bansturbators consider you a scourge on the face of humanity.

Oh and if you are not eating your “Five a day”, (Another made up healthy living twatification), you’re next. Oh and for christ’s sake don’t you dare add salt to your food. That really condemns you to the ninth circle of hell.

You have been warned. You’re next. 

Comments on this post from smokers and antismokers are welcome.

This is an equality website.

*is it?*

Policing without the Police

There have been mutterings from some Police Bloggers that they should be armed.

When we get our handguns, and we will get them folks, we will treat them with the same reverence.

Why not let the public be armed?

This story shows what might happen.

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Ooops

 

control tower

Australians can be so polite! 

Melbourne Tower :
"Saudi Air 511  -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."

Saudi  Air : "Thank you  Melbourne . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's  runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Melbourne  Tower : " Iran Air 711  - You are cleared to land on runway  27L."

Iran   Air : "Thank you  Melbourne . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway  27L. -  Allah is Great."

Pause....

Saudi  Air :  " MELBOURNE TOWER - MELBOURNE TOWER !"

Melbourne   Tower : "Go ahead  Saudi Air 511..."

Saudi  Air : "YOU HAVE  CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR
THE SAME RUNWAY  GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE
ARE ON A COLLISION  COURSE . ... .. .. ... INSTRUCTIONS,  PLEASE!"


Melbourne   Tower : "Well bless  your hearts, and praise Jesus. Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said "Hi".

1979 again?

Remember the storming of the American Embassy in Tehran in 1979?

It would seem it’s our turn now to be invaded.

Several dozen Iranian students have stormed the UK embassy in Tehran, chanting “death to England” and bringing down the British flag.

Reports by the Mehr news agency that six UK staff had been taken hostage when students raided a north Tehran diplomatic compound were withdrawn shortly after they were posted. No explanation was given for the report, nor its removal.

Iranian police have reportedly used water cannons to push the protesters back from the embassy’s main entrance and force them to climb down from the gate.

The police have managed to take control of the rally and forced all but some 50 protesters to leave the territory of the embassy.

Monday, 28 November 2011

I shall press all the numbers

 

For those that need help.

I should write a serious post, but I’m suffering from Post Traumatic Dentist Disorder. The Butcher dentist decided he would have fun cutting my gums apart again. I was about to take codeine till I read the warning on the packet. “Do not take if you have a stomach ulcer or have had one”.

Mind you the label didn’t state that I couldn’t numb the pain using medicinal whisky. Hic.

H/T to Dave via Email

UPDATE: The Movie

H/T Joe Public

Shower Sex

In a recent survey requested by President Obama, African-Americans have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for him by a leading toiletries firm, a huge majority, 86% of African-Americans, said that they have had sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
Sort of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

Sunday, 27 November 2011

Why I don’t travel by train.

train

Yesterday Myself, Mrs FE, The Boy, and his Partner, travelled from Darlington to York and back. A round total of 110 miles.

I have just calculated that we most certainly should have taken the car.

Total cost by train £63. (One member of the party had a senior rail card).

Total cost if we had taken the car. £4.20.

Thereby showing that travelling by train is 14 times more expensive than going by car. And as an aside, going by car guarantees  a seat.

pah.

Saturday, 26 November 2011

Involuntary Muscle Contraction

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to a group of first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arse hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably out playing golf with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!

Ed. Abnormal service will resume on Monday. (That’s if I survive major dental work scheduled for 11.30).

She must have one of those

The ULTIMATE in Women's
Body Piercing...
Biggest turn on for guys!

Men all over the country are urging their wives
And sweethearts to get this 'chic' procedure.

The going rate in London now is £2250.00

Many men feel it is worth it.

 

 

finger

 

zipmouth

Friday, 25 November 2011

INTERLUDE

I’ve gone oop north to visit my son.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Doing my civic duty

While hiking along the white cliffs of Dover this morning I noticed a Muslim extremist slip from the cliffs and fall into the English Channel .
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he had been carrying.

If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Brit, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed Kent Police and the Home Office.

It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and neither authority has yet responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.

Professor Jones admits climate change can be natural

Climategate Email No. 0235

This is a reply given to a freelance journalist asking Professor Jones if there was another period in history where the climate was worse than now. The bit that astounded me in his reply, was the closing remarks in his E Mail (I’ve emboldened it). I’ve also re-formatted the E mail to make it easier to read, but not altered the content in any way.

REDACTEDOriginal Message -----  date: Tue, 9 Oct 2007
From: [5]Phil Jones
To: [6]Jo Carlowe
Sent: Tuesday, OctoberREDACTED:06 PM
Subject: Re: BBC Focus Magazine
Jo,
I was away all last week, so apologies for being slow. Here are a
few thoughts.

REDACTEDYou and other may feel more insecure now, but this is coming from the knowledge you now have. This knowledge was quite different from earlier centuries, so this affects how earlier events were perceived then as opposed to now. So, any comparisons with the past are not that relevant to what is happening now or what will happen in the future.

REDACTEDThere have been good/bad times for humans in the past (and I'm thinking here purely of those related to the environment). The impacts of such events, that I know of, though are only related to the effects across Europe.
Agricultural crises DID NOT trigger the Little Ice Age - even if such an
event took place. Europe WAS not gripped by a chill that lasted 300 years. Your view here is completely wrong. There were more cold years, but there were also some very warm periods.

REDACTEDThe clearest impacts of climate in the historical past that I'm aware of took place when the climate of western Europe warmed from the early 1700s to about 1739. There were a number of good harvests in Britain and Ireland and our population increased dramatically as more children survived.
You should now see why your premise about the Little Ice Age is completely wrong. The 1730s temperatures in the UK are exceeded by two decades – the REDACTEDs and the 2000s.
In the late 1730s the population of Ireland was about twice what it is now!
In 1740 the coldest year in the Central England Temperature record occurred.
This led of famine across western Europe, especially Ireland. As many
people left Ireland then as did from the potato famine a century later. Probably as many died, but it is a forgotten famine because of the later on in 1845/6.
The latter was due to the potato blight (and a one crop agricultural system), but the one in 1740 was purely to the weather.
I'm attaching an article about this - the book to look at is by Dickson - in the references.

There is something in the paper about the effects of the very cold year
in different regions of Europe.
The important thing in all this is
the exceptional cold of the year occurred after exceptional warmth of an entire decade, so the effects were likely much worse as the population had got used to a better climate. The conclusion of the paper is that the event was natural (with no known cause) so it could occur again!
The follow on influence of this is that people are not affected much by climate or climate change. What effects them is the Weather!
Cheers
Phil

SOURCE

So Professsor Jones now admits that it could happen again naturally. Mmmm.

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Sanctimonious shit of the first water

Lets ban smoking in cars to save the Cheeeldren.

ciggie

A politician pontificates

When the ban on smoking in public places was introduced in 2007, in many quarters there was a general feeling of scepticism amongst the British public, with questions raised about the impact it would have on civil liberties as well as economic implications for businesses. However, four years later and the ban is seen by the public and businesses alike as an undisputed success, triggering the biggest fall in smoking ever seen in England, with an estimated 40,000 lives predicted to be saved in the following decade.

FFS. A complete and utter lie. The smoking rate is no different now than before. And what about the 53 pubs that are closing their doors each month? Is that an undisputed success? Then again if you’re a professional I suppose it is.

Research from the British Lung Foundation has found that around half of all children have experienced smoke in a car and nearly all wanted it banned.

So the cheeeldren are supposed to be in charge of my car then. That’s their pocket money gone for the next hundred years.

He’s obviously had a drip feed from ASH.

But it is young people who are the real victims. Some 300,000 children have to see their GP every year with smoking related problems, anything from chronic asthma to, in extreme cases, sudden infant death syndrome. In the longer term, children exposed to high levels of smoke are more likely to suffer life-threatening illnesses such as emphysema and lung cancer.

Both the Chronic asthma and SID suggestions he has made have been resoundingly been debunked. Asthma attacks have increased, whilst the levels of smoking have decreased. Odd? SID has been linked to a lack of Serotonin in the brain.

Then we get this:

The British Lung Foundation have found that 83% of smoking parents support legislation to stop adults smoking when children are present, which very much goes against the notion that this is a ‘human rights issue’ for smokers. Indeed, there is nothing more important than the “human rights” of children to a clear, clean and healthy environment.

I would like to have seen the questionnaire, I wonder how they couched the questions?

Enough of my ranting for tonight. I’m going to have a large whisky and attempt to chain smoke myself to death. God. I hate politicians.

Do go over and rip him a new arsehole

Climategate II. The Movie

This where the sh1t hits the fan.

We can but hope this derails the Anthropogenic climate change fuckwittery. Another nail in the coffin at least.

H/T to Max. Shamelessly nicked.

Climategate II

If anyone is interested there is a fully searchable database HERE.

Someone has really put some work in to produce it. There’s 5349 of them.

Fire!

*Giggles*

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

An Ode to the English Plural

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
 But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
 One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
 Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

 You may find a lone
mouse or a nest full of mice,
 Yet the plural of
house is houses, not hice.
 If the plural of
man is always called men,
 Why shouldn't the plural of
pan be called pen?

 If I speak of my
foot and show you my feet,
 And I give you a
boot, would a pair be called beet?
 If one is a
tooth and a whole set are teeth,
 Why shouldn't the plural of
booth be called beeth?

 Then one may be
that, and there would be those,
 Yet
hat in the plural would never be hose,
 And the plural of
cat is cats, not cose.
 We speak of a
brother and also of brethren,
 But though we say
mother, we never say methren.

 Then the masculine pronouns are
he, his and him,
 But imagine the feminine:
she, shis and shim!
 Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
 There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
 neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
 English muffins weren't invented in England .
 
 We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
 we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
 and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
 And why is it that
writers write, but fingers don't fing,
 grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
 
 Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If
teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
 
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people
recite at a play and play at a recital?
 We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
 We have noses that run and feet that smell.
 We park in a driveway and drive on a parkway.
 And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
 while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

 You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can 
burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
 And in closing, if
Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

The Blogger network and new climate change Emails

Since I started blogging, the one thing I’ve appreciated is that bloggers  network to share information. Bloggers are not like the MSM who jealously guard their articles, and in a lot of online cases, do not allow comments on contentious issues. Anyone is entitled to comment on any post I write, as long as it is not abusive.
Bloggers will share information, because they are the new means of unbiased reporting of day to day events. What have bloggers to lose?
We are unpaid, but consider we have a duty to counteract the drip drip of untruths fed to us by the organs of government. Government is increasingly worried about this trend. No longer can they just release a press release without it being challenged.
Hot off the blogger press is that there is another set of leaked E mails on the subject of Climate change. 
You can read them at Tallbloke’s Workshop.
I’m not sure of the veracity of them yet as I’ve only just started reading them.
Just a little snippet to wet the appetite.
As we are testing EIR with the other climate audit org request relating to communications with other academic colleagues, I think that we would weaken that case if we supplied the information in this case. So I would suggest that we decline this one (at the very end of the time period)
<1577> Jones:

[FOI, temperature data]
Any work we have done in the past is done on the back of the research grants we get – and has to be well hidden. I’ve discussed this with the main funder (US Dept of Energy) in the past and they are happy about not releasing the original station data.

There is even more here. http://www.megaupload.com/?d=ROCGBR37

A lame excuse for hiding in the wardrobe

 

Monday, 21 November 2011

WHERE I HAVE & HAVE NOT BEEN.

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone.  You have to be in Cahoots with
someone.
 
I've also never been in Cognito.  I hear no one recognizes you there.
 
I have, however, been In Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to
be driven there.  I have made several trips there, thanks to my
work.
 
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not
too much on physical activity anymore.
 
I have also been in Doubt.  That is a sad place to go, and I try not to
visit there too often.
 
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand
firm.
 
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm
getting older.
 
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!  It really gets the
adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!  At my age I
need all the stimuli I can get!

Should have gone to………..

This is the collision between a Dublin Bus and a Dublin Tram

bus1

Now have a look at the ad on the side of the bus that
the Tram went into.

bus2

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Well done sir

turbine on fire

Here I’m referring to The Duke of Edinburgh who has delivered a withering assault on the folly of wind turbines.

Now those of the Lefty/Green persuasion will try and dismiss his comments as the rantings of a senile, out of touch, silver spoon, “never had it so good”.

Now I’ve met and talked to “The old duffer” on many occasions. He certainly speaks his mind, (A good thing in this PC age. Someone has to) but he usually has a good grasp of the subject in question.

I’ve noticed over the last year or so how the whole experiment in renewable energy is starting to fall apart. Even the BBC is slowly dropping it from it’s agenda. Pre Climategate it was touted as the salvation of mankind. The BBC is now, in my mind, quietly trying to wriggle out of their wholesale endorsement of renewables. However this blogger has a long memory.

The population at large is just waking from an X factor induced sleep, and is starting to realise that this year they are going to be stuck with almost unaffordable energy bills due to the energy secretary’s obsession with renewables, instead of helping lower bills by encouraging the exploration and extraction of Shale gas.

Shale gas would cut gas prices for commercial and private  users and thus boost the economy. Also ending our reliance on middle east imports, which can be used as an economic weapon against us.

I would hope that the average Brit is waking up to realise that they have been conned into buying into a scheme that is impoverishing millions and making very rich those who promulgate this idiocy.

Five Catholics

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square, Rome .

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, Everyone calls him 'Father'.”

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.When he walks into a room, People call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.When he enters a room, Everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
The four men give her a subtle, "Well...?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
Slim,
Tall,
38D breast,
24" waist and
34" hips.

 

 

girl

When she walks into a room, people say,'My God!'"

Saturday, 19 November 2011

New album out

killer

H/T to Dave Wheeler

Brilliant

 

The Huh who spoilt Christmas by Fenbeagle.

Backs against the wall.

Just change the name in the lyrics from Hitler to Merkel.

Two different takes on the same story

Firstly we have an article on line at that Impartial news monger. The BBC. Note the scary headline.

IPCC: Climate impact risk set to increase

Satellite image of Hurricane Katrina, August 2005 (Image: Getty Images/NOAA) 

The risk from extreme weather events is likely to increase if the world continues to warm, say scientists.

A report by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change said it was "very likely" that emissions had led to an increase in daily maximum temperatures.

It added that emissions had also led some regions experiencing longer and more intense droughts.

The findings of the Special Report were presented at the IPCC's 34th Session, which is being held in Kampala, Uganda.

The details were outlined during a media briefing by the co-chairmen overseeing the compilation of two of the three segments of next IPCC assessment report

Compare with what was really said:

The IPCC report says:

“Projected changes in climate extremes under different emissions scenarios generally do not strongly diverge in the coming two to three decades, but these signals are relatively small compared to natural climate variability over this time frame. Even the sign of projected changes in some climate extremes over this time frame is uncertain”

SOURCE

It was also touted out on the six O’clock news tonight. That was even worse. According to the presenter we are doomed to fire, pestilence. flood, and genital Herpes.

*Ok . I made the last one up.

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Grand parents in the digital age.

I’m setting this up as we speak.

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home but,please Leave your message after you hear the beep.

beeeeeppp ....

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want to borrow the car, press 3

If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home,

press 7

If you want to come to eat here, press 8

If you need money,press 9 (Ed. No. You’ve had enough of that already)

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theatre,start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?

(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them… They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM! (Ed. That’s me)

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog. ( No dog, but I can blame the cats).

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Doctor’s advice heeded here

 

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx

Hic!

Unbelievable

A week or so ago I wrote this letter to my NHS Primary Care Trust. Reproduced below is the reply I received on why my notes were not at my surgery and why I had been de-registered from the practice.

Register with MD2

Note the reason quoted “Patient works on ships”.

That would mean that if I had chosen to start my career in 2004, by my simple maths, and allowing for 40 years of service. I would have to have registered with the practice 80 times.

Unbelievable.

UPDATE:

I received this.

Dear Mr Filthy Engineer

Thank you for your e mail regarding the removal of your name from your doctor’s list.

As you will appreciate, our Agency has no option but to comply with the NHS Regulations in the case of patients who are not resident in the UK. 

However, you may wish to contact the NHS West Kent Primary Care Trust’s Customer Service department on 0800 0 850 850 if you wish to discuss your concerns with a member of the helpline staff.  If you prefer you can e mail them at customerservices@wkpct.nhs.uk

Kind regards

Sylvia May

My reply.

Dear Sylvia,

I thank you for your reply. On that basis I should be able to reclaim my NIC's from 2004 onwards if I was deemed to be non resident in the UK by yourselves.

Regards
The Filthy Engineer

Second hand smoke will not kill you. By an anti smoker.

It’s nice to see reason prevail. I’m too used to a hate environment promulgated by the likes of ASH with their denormalisation  agenda. I suppose some sanctimonious twat will try to ban smoking in cars next. Jeeez, they have thought of that.

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Three Bears

three bears

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl It is empty.

'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.

'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,

'For God's sake, how many times do I have  to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants.

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence,
listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET.

How to control unruly behaviour in the classroom

Firstly we have Brazil. Hurling is good.

Next we have Egypt. A good slapping works every time.

The last is the best, from the good old USA. I do think that she missed.

If I could find one from the UK, I would. I suspect it would be one of a pupil knifing the teacher.

Monday, 14 November 2011

It’s been a long time….

Since I’ve held a new-born baby.

My first Grandchild is the first baby I’ve held in my arms for over 25 years. When you look down on such a small bundle of innocence, you really begin to marvel at the perfection of such a small being.

However it also got me thinking of what his life will be like in the future.

Firstly, will he be safe from the obtrusive nanny state that seems to consider all parents are child beaters, until otherwise proven?

Will he be given a decent education, sufficient to give him at least a chance to get ahead in his world of today?

If he does, and excels, will his parents be able to help him to afford crippling university fees?

Burdened with these fees. Will he ever be able to accrue enough money for a deposit on a property?

Will he be saddled with more debt, run up by useless politicians, that, if I had my way, would all be strung up. All 650 of them.

Will he drink, smoke, and generally enjoy life? Or will he denounce his grandad to the thought police, as a subversive blogger of ill repute who is making trouble for the government and their quangos? (Mind you, my kids think I’m nuts  for blogging anyway. I do say to them that they’re not forced to follow this blog. Do children listen?).

Will he be living in a yurt heated by goat droppings, because the 1,000,000 bird mincers built in the early 21st century have all broken due to old age and catastrophic failure?

I really don’t know. (If I was that good at reading the runes teabags the future I’d have won the lottery and retired to Cannes.

What is in store for Aiden? (That’s his name in case you’re wondering).

You tell me. I’m off for a drink and a smoke. (Champagne and a cigar).

PS. I must stop writing serious posts. It degrades this blog.

Cooking the IPCC way.

 

microwave

Sunday, 13 November 2011

Official rules of Bedroom Golf.................

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Remember them

 

Celebration

I’m now a Granddad to a boy born at 0515 this morning.

UPDATE: Mother and son doing well. However my son in law had to change his first nappy today. He didn’t enjoy it.

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Saturday, 12 November 2011

That advert

Doing the rounds is this

Friday, 11 November 2011

Be afraid, very afraid

I wonder if the boy wonder has seen this? If he hasn’t then he’s incompetent, or at the very worst, incapable  of running this country. Call me Dave needs to grow a pair, and front up against this attack on our  economy. And to think I was a lifelong conservative.

It’s in german but it is subtitled.

Thanks to Subrosa for jogging my memory on this

It’s looking bad for Christmas

Stock markets have responded positively to news that Toyland’s Prime Minister Santo Nicalosi, better known as Santa Claus, or Sugar Daddy Christmas to his closest female admirers, is to step down after arranging a final delivery of toys for December.

Leading analyst Jeremy Warner said that without the implementation of severe austerity measures, including the adoption of a payment-based business model which would face severe competition from the likes of Amazon, Toyland would default on its debts and this could lead to a world economic catastrophe far more severe than the 2008 banking crisis.

‘In recent years, Toyland has lived way beyond its means as it struggled to deliver ever more exotic presents free of charge to children in Europe and North America,’ said Warner. ‘It no longer produces most of the toys that are delivered and has had increasingly to rely on cheap goods and credit from China and Southeast Asia.’

Toyland’s manufacturing base is no longer a major employer but service sector employees will be hit hard by austerity measures. ‘I’m due to retire at 35 on full salary next year, said a party facilitator elf. Suddenly there will be no jobs and no pensions. I suppose I’ll have to emigrate, but I was shocked to learn that my skills set only attracts the minimum wage in other countries, even with a Mickey Mouse degree. I might as well work tables or behind a bar.’

Lenders are expected to take a significant haircut as Toyland reschedules its debts after the IMF, ECB and Germany’s Bundesbank refused a euro bailout. However, unlike Never Never Land, Toyland is expected to honour its obligations, although repayments will be redenominated in Monopoly money.

More than one banker has said a haircut is the least Santa Claus can expect if he is caught, saying the revenge shaving won’t stop at ‘that manky beard’ or the Movember ‘tache. In addition, after he steps down, Claus will no longer be afforded criminal immunity against charges of creeping into millions of children’s bedrooms at night.

Shamelessly nicked from News biscuit

Lest we forget

It’s that day. Take just two minutes to think about those who have paid the ultimate price.

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Those notes.

Yesterday as you may recall I sent a FOI request to my local PCT. I received a reply today (That’s quick), stating that they are treating it under the data Protection Act instead. I suppose it is relevant under the circumstances, It’s reproduced here for your edification.

Hello xxxx

I can confim that we have received your request. 

This request is a request under the DPA 1998 not a Freedom of information act as you are asking for personal information about which you are the subject of.

We will begin processing your request and will be in touch for the relevant Identity required.  

kind regards

Pam

What I find irksome is that I took the trouble to write a formal letter and received an informal letter back. Notwithstanding that she addressed me by my Christian name which she spelt wrongly, she could have at least run the spellchecker through the E mail (Confim?).

Maybe it’s just me being pedantic, but a reply should be in the same vein, in my opinion. Not a very professional stance for a public servant.

I’m sure as well that they could have replied under the FOIA, however that only gives them 20 days, where as the DPA gives them 40 days.

I really must take off my tinfoil hat.

tinfoil (1)

Now I would have said something

Even if it was just, “Oh shit, we’re doomed”

People on board the lunchtime Exeter to Newcastle service saw the wheel break off as the landing gear retracted but ‘did not inform the cabin crew’.

plane

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Is it past the watershed yet?

Then again, who cares?

Topless Skydiving

Shamelessly nicked from max

Thanks to Joe Public for pointing me to it.

Survivors

desert island

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

finger

 

 

 


So, they buried Susie.

Where are my notes?

A couple of weeks ago I rang my surgery to obtain an appointment with my Doctor. Only to be informed that I had moved away and my notes had been requested by another practice. Which I had not

So today I've just E mailed this to my local primary care trust:

Dear Sir/Madam,

Two weeks ago I rang my practice to arrange a medical appointment. However to my amazement I was informed that I was no longer registered with the practice. The practice manager intimated to me that I had moved out of the area, and therefore my medical notes had been asked for by WKPCT, to be forwarded on to the practice that had requested them. This was as long ago as late 2006.

This came as some surprise to me as I have lived in the West Kent area for some 55 years, and been registered with the practice for at least 25 years. I have never moved out of the area in this time.

Please supply me with the following information under a Freedom Of Information request.

1.  Which practice requested my medical notes in the latter part of 2006?

2.  Were any checks carried out to ascertain that this was a legitimate request for this sensitive information?

3.  Where have the documents been held since 2006?

4.  Where are these important documents now?
Yours faithfully

The Filthy Engineer

I wonder what the reply will be?

Mature Nursery Rhymes

 

Nursery Rhymes
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

pig

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

mary1

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

jack and jill

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"

simple

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

humpty

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

diddle

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
SONY DSC

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

curl

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

The Ecoloon fraternity are determined to see AGW sceptics burn.

You might remember in the dim and distant past that video doing the rounds, called 10:10. (Think of the Cheeeldren) Well they’re at it again with the video below. Basically, if you don’t subscribe to worshipping at the altar of climate change you are going to burn in hell.

Nice bunch these AGW Ecoloons.

Help Ban Fox Hunting in Britain!!

Look at the picture below.

If you agree please send this email  to anyone you think may have influence. Hopefully we can stop it. Please help ban fox hunting in Great Britain!

THIS MADNESS MUST STOP!!

fox and gun

Signed,

Peter Rabbit

Bugs Bunny

Jessica Rabbit

Brer Rabbit

The Easter Bunny

Thumper

White Rabbit

Roger Rabbit

Duracell Bunny

Energizer Bunny

Watership Bunnies

Dillon

Harvey

Playboy Bunny

Monday, 7 November 2011

Mrs FE is cuckoo

Here’s her sorry tale of attempted deception.

“The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told FE that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the G & Ts went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing  FE would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning FE asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

Ups and Downs. The sequel

 

Here I posted the Ups and Downs my family has had in the year, so far. It hasn’t ended it would seem.

Down:

My bloody central heating boiler has packed up today!!

Never trust a sailor

 

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

ferry

Sunday, 6 November 2011

Fracking Hell

I’ve just watched this from the Ecoloon website of Frack off. It’s another example of the fringe of lunatics who are against any advancement in energy production. Watch the film first. (DISCLAIMER: The Author of this blog is not liable for any vomit that might ruin your keyboard).

At approximately  three minutes in we have a professor moaning that they are building hundreds of gas pads. No one seems to mind about the thousands of bird mincers that are to be built?

Then at four minutes in we have the hoary old chestnut about drinking water being contaminated. Listen to the old dear at 4.52. Anyone would think that she is having neat diesel fuel coming out of her tap.

The “organic farmer” feels put upon as well. (There must be a “Think of the Cheeeeldren” soon)

Not so.

No one knows how much of these chemicals are being used by any given driller. We do know that fracking fluid is composed of less than one percent of the chemicals in this list, with water and sand making up the other 99 percent.

  • When fracking fluid is pumped into the ground, the vertical hole down which it’s pumped is lined with concrete to protect surface water supplies from chemicals. The fracking fluid goes down some 5,000 feet to where it’s used to help break rock apart releasing the natural gas, and then most of the fluid is pumped back out again and carted away where it’s treated at a regulated and approved facility. For the fluid that stays behind, it’s down some 5,000 feet. That’s almost a mile of solid rock between where it sits and surface water supplies (which are located at about 300 feet). There’s no way any of that fluid will “seep up” into water supplies. And remember that most fluid is pumped back out again. So less than one percent of the fluid are chemicals from this list, and most of that comes out again, leaving behind a very very small amount of chemicals a mile below the surface and heavily diluted by water and sand.
  • Compare the list below with the labels on the containers under your kitchen and bathroom sinks. You’ll find some of the same names on the labels. 1
  • At minute 5.25 we get the hoary old chestnut of flaming taps. Debunked here.

    The Truth about Gasland 2

    Gasland is a ‘documentary’ film by Josh Fox that claims to tell the truth about unconventional gas development and the hydraulic fracturing process. However, the film is riddled with inaccuracies and misleading statements.

    Many of the claims made in the film have been proven false by a variety of independent organisations. Some of the more detailed rebuttals can be found at the links below.

    Links

    Of course as you will see at approximately 8.45 we will be imperilled with those tanker trucks loaded with chemicals that will kill all life on the planet as we know it, all crashing and burning. (Alright I’m exaggerating a touch).

    Oh Noes. It gets worse.

    At 11.30 mins we’re all going to die from radium poisoning.

    I could go on, but sometimes think that I’m beating my head against a brick wall.

     

    1 http://marcellusdrilling.com/2010/06/list-of-78-chemicals-used-in-hydraulic-fracturing-fluid-in-pennsylvania/

    2   http://www.europeunconventionalgas.org/home/resources/frequently-asked-questions/the-truth-about-gasland