Taking the cat to the vet

Yearly booster time for the furry killing machine that I call a cat.

Joy. So.

• Find the cat.
• Find the catbox.
• Find the cat again.
• Introduce cat to catbox.
• Cat goes in the cat box quietly (this should have been a warning to me)
• Open door and place catbox in passenger footwell.
• Shut door.
• Run around to drivers side, jump in and start engine.
• Cat mieows.
• Select reverse.
• Cat explodes from catbox like that thing from Alien.
• Cat runs around car shedding fur.
• Open door.
• Cat escapes.
• Go into house and find parcel tape.
• Tape box up securely.
• Find the cat again.
• Catch cat.
• Introduce cat to catbox.
• Cat goes in the cat box with a hell of a struggle.
• Tape up wounds in hands.
• Open door and place catbox in passenger footwell.
• Shut door.
• Run around to drivers side, jump in (engine is still running).
• Select reverse and get the car off the drive.
• Cat rips through parcel tape like the hulk, scaring the crap out off me.
• Car runs around the car in a panic drooling and shedding fur.
• Open door.
• Cat escapes. Again.
• Go into house and find elephant tape. (I’ve used this stuff to stop kayaks leaking on white water)
• Tape box up securely. Then use more tape.
• Then think "sod it" and use the whole roll.
• Find cat again.
• Tempt cat using favorite treats.
• Pretty much have to saw the cats legs off in an attempt to get him into the accursed box.
• Take off gardening gloves (learning from my mistakes)
• Open door and place catbox in passenger footwell.
• Shut door.
• Run around to drivers side, jump in (engine has now burnt half a tank of fuel).
• Get the car turned around.
• Cat still in box, meiowing pathetically.
• Comfort cat while driving.
• Get halfway to vet.
• Pointy eared escape artist does it again. This time at 40mph.
• Cat runs around the car in a blind panic drooling and shedding fur.
• Avoid crashing the car by about 3mm. This is not good.
• Options. Stop, open door to get out and lose cat.
• Or, keep driving and risk cat scratching eyes out.
• Elect to take the eye scratching option. Glasses should prevent serious injury.
• Cat runs around car shedding unbelieveable amounts of fur.
• People giving me really funny looks.
• Furry Fangio ends up sitting on my lap with two paws on the steering wheel looking out of the front window.
• I’d have taken pictures, but I was rather busy at the time.
• People now giving me *really* funny looks.
• 5 minutes pass.
• Get to the vet.
• Park the car.
• Somehow get the car back into the box.
• Get into vets rather harassed.
• Nice vet takes 2 minutes to check and inject the cat.
• She then spends 5 minutes helping me reinforce the cat box to get home again.
• Takes 2 of us to get the cat back in the box.
• Get the bill.
• Stop laughing and ask for the real bill.
• Get the same bill.
• Pick myself up from the floor.
• Pay a ton of cash for the privilege of the cat being injected. Return to car.
• Open door and place catbox in passenger footwell.
• Shut door.
• Run around to drivers side, jump in and start engine.
• Cat is silent.
• Think uh-oh.
• Leave vet.
• Cat is silent.
• Get halfway home.
• Cat is silent.
• Worry that cat is dead.
• Get home safely.
• Cat is silent.
• Now really worried. Has cat escaped silently? Is cat plotting revenge?
• Get catbox out of car.
• Open cat box.
• Cat saunters out, give me a "What?" look and wanders off.
• I stand there like a gibbering idiot.
• Cat lies in sun.
• Open beer.
• Drink.
• Open second beer.
• Get vacuum cleaner out.
• Open third beer.
• Clean cat hair out of car……

He’s now next to me on the sofa with his feet in the air snoring contentedly.

As much as I love him, sometimes I wish he was a goldfish.

Justice

 

A police sergeant who injured a woman when he assaulted her in a cell was jailed for six months today.

Sgt Mark Andrews was caught on CCTV dragging Pamela Somerville, 59, across the floor of Melksham police station in Wiltshire before shoving her into the cell.

Ms Somerville was arrested in July 2008 after being found asleep in her car. She was detained for failing to provide a sample for a breath test.

The CCTV footage shows her lying on the floor for a minute before struggling to get up with blood pouring from a head wound.

Maybe we’ll have a few less stories about police thuggery in the future. Whilst the majority of police try and do the best they can, there is still a hard core, that think the law doesn’t apply to them.

How to give a cat a pill. Now with graphics.

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1.  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.


4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.


Call spouse in from the garden.

6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away.  Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.  Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot.  Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12.  Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13.  Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.


14.  Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15.  Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How To Give A Dog A Pill

1.  Wrap it in bacon.
2.  Toss it in the air.