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Saturday, 13 June 2015

Time out.

I'm off on holiday tomorrow. Blogging will be sporadic to non existent for two weeks.

It'll be hell.

Thursday, 11 June 2015

Oh hell

The view from my front door this evening.

Never, ever let your other half talk you into building a larger kitchen. This morning I was woken at O crack sparrow fart by the doorbell. "Please sir could you sign for the delivery of one digger and a dumper truck". A sleepy "OK" was the reply.

Since then I've seen my patio and underpinning clay soil, steadily moved from the back of my house to the front. That pile is not even half that has to be moved.

I've also had to try and sort out what dates a roofer will be able to come in and do essential maintenance on the back of the main roof which involves scaffolding to be erected.

There was also the resiting of the satellite dish.

What does Mrs FE do? Shopping.

Still not to worry, we're off to the sunny island of Crete this weekend. For two whole weeks.

Mind you the building inspector is due in on Tuesday to discuss the footings required with the builder.

I think I might just turn my Mobile off.

PS. My stats tell me I've just passed 1,000,000 page views for this blog.

Tuesday, 9 June 2015


Typical greens. They can't get anything right.

Hildenborough residents are celebrating speed sign success after 85 years of campaigning.Villagers say they have wanted to get the speed limit reduced since 1930 and now Kent County Council has put up new 30mph signs in the area.The new speed markers, which were put up last week, show a reduction from 40mph and have been placed at the beginning of the village by Foxbush Road.Eva Charrington, of Mill Lane and part of the Hildenborough Green Party, said: "We have just seen the two 30mph signs by the Hildenborough sign. This is brilliant.
 And further on:

Cllr Dagger added: "I am extremely pleased they have a reduction in speed limit right through the village.
"They have been trying for years and hadn't had much luck.
"I had a grant I could use for highways purposes so could do it for them – it was a serendipitous moment.
"It had been difficult in the past to get a 30mph limit as police didn't have the resources to enforce the limit but I've used my members' highways fund.

Or not. An E-mail sent to me from my mole on the council.

From: xxxxxx [mailto:xxxxxx]
Sent: 08 June 2015 15:46To:; Rhodes Mark RSubject: New 30 mph speed limit - B245 Hildenborough Dear Valerie, I do not know if you are aware but the B245 Hildenborough from the Hilden Manor to just past Foxbush is now signed as a 30 mph speed limit.  Unfortunately this is an error and the signs have been installed too soon.  In order to revoke the Traffic Regulation Order for the 40 mph speed limit, a legal process must be followed and this is still ongoing.  ; I am advised that consultation is expected to commence within the next two-weeks I am aware several enquiries have been received by KCC and Tonbridge and Malling Borough Council.  At the moment the 30 mph is illegal and unenforceable, and as such is going to be removed as a matter of urgency.  The 40 mph signs will be put back out on site.  As soon as the 40 mph speed limit has been revoked, the 30 mph speed limit signs will be reinstalled. Please be assured that I am doing everything I can to rectify this situation and am working with the contractor to get the speed limit put back to 40 mph.  The cost to put back the 40 mph will not be met by KCC, likewise the cost to reinstall the 30 mph speed limit following completion of the TRO process. (My embolding)
 I would offer you my sincere apologies for the distress and inconvenience caused by this error. Kind regards,

I should hope that councillor Dagger and those that  are instrumental in this fiasco are made to pay the costs involved.

I'd like to know who these people who have been pushing for it are, as this is the first I've heard of it. And I've lived in the village for 40 years. They must be feeling pretty stupid after reading this article.

Sunday, 7 June 2015


The outfit I worked for in cartoon form.

I sailed on both of those ships.

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

You want what? A clean cat?

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the bath with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)

. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the bath enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the bath, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defences and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better

*No cats were harmed in the writing of this article. Just the owners*

Monday, 1 June 2015

Smoke and the state will snatch your children.

So it's come to pass that the state apparatus can take your children away if you smoke in your own home.

A two-year-old boy has been put up for adoption because his parents are smokers.
This has been reported in much of the MSM, but the smoking is cited as the main culprit.

Only in passing is the following mentioned:

The judge was told that the boy's father had mental health problems and that their home had been “dirty, smelly and unhygienic”.
There was also evidence of drug paraphernalia and the father had also tested positive for cocaine.
Now if I was the health visitor I wouldn't be able to bear the guilt of being the cause of a son being legally torn away from his parents for ever.

And I would hope that this foul creature will repent of the evil she has encouraged when she is finally on her death bed.

Responding to this case, Deborah Arnott, Chief Executive of health charity ASH said: “This is a very sad case. It should serve as a reminder to other parents or guardians who smoke that they should avoid smoking in the presence of their children because of the significant harm that can be caused by tobacco smoke.” 

Sunday, 31 May 2015

Excuses for lack of posting.

I’ve been somewhat busy for several reasons.

1. It fell to me (It always does) to arrange a holiday abroad for all of my family. On being instructed on when and where we were holidaying,  it was left up to me to ensure it happened. This meant that I was in charge of remitting the deposit which is a headache in itself attempting to transfer money abroad in euros.

It doesn’t help that not everyone would be travelling on the same dates. (14 people).

Hire cars have to be arranged. Some with child seats and some without.

Foreign currency is a must, bearing in mind that the country we are travelling to could default on its payment to the EU. (I’m looking at you, Greece).

Two villas were required and need to have a plethora of high chairs, cots etc for the little ones.

Here’s a pic of one of the slums.

And the bar.

2. Mrs FE decided some months ago she needed a bigger kitchen. This has resulted in numerous changes in architect drawings (Why can’t women get it right first time), due to changes of layout.I’ve persuaded her that there is no need to change the old kitchen into a utility room and toilet and the utility room and toilet into an office. Finally she agreed that the utility room and toilet would stay as it was and the old kitchen would become an office. (3 months it took me to make her see the logic in that).

3. Slates have been falling of the roof at an alarming rate and a new roof needs to be fitted. Unfortunately this needs to be done before the kitchen is started otherwise the cost will be doubled due to the exorbitant cost of scaffolding. I’m trying to co-ordinate roofing repairs with builders start dates. I’ve a feeling that I’ll still be dealing with that on holiday at this rate.

That’s my excuse for not posting.

To think that some years ago I looked after multi million projects. I must be getting old.

Tuesday, 26 May 2015

How to give a cat a pill. Now with graphics.

How to Give a Cat a Pill
  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.

  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

  Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away.  Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10.  Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot.  Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12.  Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

  Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

  Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15.  Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1.  Wrap it in bacon.
2.  Toss it in the air.

Saturday, 23 May 2015

Militant Christian bakers capture Brighton, destroy historical gay sites

Reports are coming in from the southern province of East Sussex that a fundamentalist force of Christian bakers, cake decorators and cream fillers have worked themselves up into an extreme state and seized control of Britain’s ancient gay capital, Brighton, vowing to destroy every remnant of it.
Several sites of special sexual interest have already been bulldozed, including the Pink Moustache gay bar, Glitterballs nightclub and the Pumping Muscle gym – you know, the one that..............

Read the rest here