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Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Mature Nursery Rhymes


Nursery Rhymes
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.


Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.


JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

jack and jill

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"


HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.


HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.


GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.



  1. Mary had a litle lamb
    The doctor was surprised
    Old MacDonald had a farm
    The doctor nearly died.

    Ding dong dell
    Pussy's in the well
    But now we've put some Dettol down,
    Never mind the smell.

  2. Mary had a little pig
    She couldn't stop it gruntin'
    She took it down the garden path
    And kicked its little $%@# in ..

    Little Miss Muffet
    Sat on het tuffet
    Eating her curds and whey
    Along came a spider
    Which sat down beside her
    So she stamped on the @%#&$ enamel bastard ..

    Mary had a little pig
    It was a little smasher
    Every time it wagged its tail
    It tickled its gammon rasher ..

    Humpty-Dumpty sat on a wall
    Humpty-Dumpty had a great fall
    All the king's horses
    And all the king's men
    Said "Don't just lay there, you fat bastard - do press-ups" ..

    Mary, Mary quite contrary
    How does your garden grow ?
    Don't be a twat, I live in a flat
    You are so #&$£%@* slow ..

  3. Jack and Jill went up the hill,
    They each had a buck and a quarter,
    Jill came down with two and a half,
    They didn't go for water!


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