Wow

Christmas day No drink left edition.

As usual your host got up at the crack of dawn to prepare for the day’s festivities (At least I think 8:15 is the crack of doom dawn). Mrs FE had beaten me to it by getting up at 6:30, and when I ventured down I found her in the kitchen muttering arcane spells of the like “20 minutes to the pound and another twenty minutes…………”, and playing with strange things that purported to be vegetables. Promptly left that area of my in expertise.

I was left to stick to what I know best. The alcohol. Arranging the bottles and glasses to be ready at hand for the guests before they arrive.

Done. All is in order.

Fast forward 10 hours.

White wine lake : Empty.

Rose wine lake : Severely depleted.

Brandy: Left orbit just after the Christmas pud was finished.

Beer/lager: Red flashing warning signs signifying imminent collapse of stocks.

However all is not lost. The Whisky I hid has not been found. Yet.

What I would like to know is how do seven people drink eight bottles of white wine (includes a Grannie aged 91)? And they’re still imbibing the rum, gin, vodka, and anything else they find in my drinks cabinet.

It defies the laws of physics I tell you. I blame it on the Higgs Boson.

Bastards.

A Warning About Drinking and Driving

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving,
and  you should all take heed.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the  authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at a  local pub and had a few too many G & Ts and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did
something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I
passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I
have  never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from.

Doctors and drinking

I have just been reading an article in The Telegraph about a proposal from manadarins in the Home Office to pay Doctors to quiz patients about their alcohol consumption.

After reading the article, and thinking for myself that it was a stupid idea. my eye drifted down to the comments section. I changed my mind when I read one of the comments.

anneallan

Today 08:18 AM

Come to an arrangement with your GP; admit to being a dipso if he'll share the proceeds of his bonus.  If he cuts up rough, threaten to go on the wagon.

Made me smile.

Normality has nearly returned.

Most of the Scavengers family have left to return to their homes.As usual,  I completely buggered up the booze shopping before Christmas. I stocked up with a carefully drawn up list of alcohol that the visitors were known to drink. I got it wrong AGAIN.

It would seem that I’m now going to have to drink:

Two bottles of Morgan Spice rum.

Two bottles of Gin

Two bottles of Vodka.

and six bottles of red wine.

Think of me. The Horror.

 

Mind you they never saw the single malts either.

Friendly Holiday Advice

Public service message.

Please, take care of yourself this Christmas.  A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the DVLA  indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.  This means that the remaining 77% are caused by people who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and shit like that.  Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.  They cause three times as many accidents.

See. Anyone can play with statistics.

Need a drink?

Have you ever been in a strange place and wanted a drink? Then here’s a handy website.

http://wherethefuckshouldigofordrinks.com/

Just enter the post code.

H/t to Man Widdecombe

Drink and be Happy. At a minimum price.

Scottish publicans reveal fears for trade.

One in five publicans has considered quitting the business, according to a new report.

The research, commissioned by brewers Molson Coors, found that in rural areas a higher proportion - a third - had thought of selling up or closing down in the last six months.

More than half of those questioned see the prospects for the industry as poor over the next five years.

Researchers say there has already been a steep decline in the business.

Could it be because of the smoking ban?

And the Scottish Licensed Trade Association said the law change had resulted in the closure of hundreds of pubs and the loss of thousands of jobs.

Its chief executive, Paul Waterson, said the predicted upturn in new customers attracted by smoke-free pubs had "simply not materialised".

He conceded other factors - such as the economic downturn and low supermarket prices for alcohol - would have been a factor in the 800 Scottish pub closures.

But he added: "The starting point for all of this is around the time of the smoking ban."

He said the fifth anniversary should be the time for a rethink of the ban and called for the legislation to be changed to allow some pubs to have smoking rooms, to encourage customers back.

And their answer to it all.

Minimum price

Many publicans gave evidence to the report's compilers that they had concerns for the industry as a whole, yet they were more likely to be positive about their own prospects, with 56% saw their own business prospects as being good over the next five years.

The SNP government plans to introduce a minimum price for drink in a bid to tackle the problems associated with alcohol abuse in Scotland.

Today's research revealed that consumers and publicans were split on the likely effect of the plans. When it came to consumers, 42% felt it would be negative step, while 39% said its introduction would have a positive impact.

Fifty-seven percent of licensees believe it would have a beneficial impact on Scotland, but would do little to help their business. They stand to benefit from cheap drink in shops being pushed up in price.

That’ll work. Not.

What’s to stop a major supermarket chain setting up multiple booze stores just South of the Scottish border. (If someone wants to lend me a couple of million………..). As far as I know there are no border controls between Jockland and England yet. Really not thought out at all.

I shall now have a large whisky on the strength of the fact that the Tartan Brigade have voted in the wrong crowd.

Drinkaware

Your favourite tipples from around the world.

Just a little experiment to see who actually googles the Drinkaware website

I’ve been driven to strong drink

Why you ask? Because I’m a smoker. (I expect hell fire and brimstone to fall on me from the likes of ASH and CRUK).

In days of yore, I was one of the many smokers who enjoyed sitting in a country pub, drinking good beer, whilst quietly and steadily puffing away on a ciggy.

Not any more.

The smoking ban put paid to that, as you all know. In those days I enjoyed a good hand pumped ale, wafted down with a lung full of the glorious weed smoke. It was a dual enjoyment. I used to visit a pub twice a week at least. Now, probably once a quarter. I no longer find the pub environment a pleasurable experience.

What I find sad is that the country I live in is becoming more oppressive as the years go by.

When fifty per cent of the population smoked, even non smoking households had crystal ash trays on the tables. Smokers were welcome and valued for their contributions to conversation.

The younger generation were taught respect for those older. Not anymore. How many times have you been forced off the pavement into the road by a group of secondary school kids getting off the school bus?

A job was something you aspired to and held onto with pride. In today’s climate you’re a mug.

Women were treated with respect for raising their families without working. (Don’t read that wrongly. Raising a family was hard work for her in doors).

Politicians were approachable and the majority were in politics to benefit their constituents. Mine seems to be on the gravy train to retirement.

The bobby on the beat was a man you stopped and chatted with. Nowadays I avoid the shaven headed, stormtroopers in case they arrest me for some trivial offence I’ve not heard of.

My schoolteachers were Gods. They told me to sit down. I did. Now they are so called, “Classroom Managers”. Managers in anarchy I suspect.

Health and safety was an individual responsibility. When it changed to a corporate responsibility after the Herald of Free Enterprise disaster it  became a “cover my ass” system, where people don’t bother to look what they’re doing, in the mistaken belief that they are safe because the rules say so.

The Dole was there to provide those unfortunates who had no job with the basics to feed and clothe those unfortunates and their families. How is it that a 46” colour HD TV these days, is classed as a basic need? (Scratches head).

Oh and of course everyone  is treated as  a potential terrorist when they just try and get out of this benighted land, with the intrusive  scans and metal detectors. Then again, maybe they are trying to stop too many high tax payers from leaving?

Sour grapes you may say.

My favourite pub is desperately trying to keep it’s head above water by offering any discount they can, but still having to adjust their prices upwards. Soon I fear it will fail like many others have done. Where are the Non smokers that promised that they’d be visiting pubs in their droves once the evil smokers had stopped contaminating their clothes with the foul, nay, child killing , second hand smoke?

They failed to materialise.

Now as a pensioner, whilst trying to post this under the candlelight caused by reliance on wind powered electricity, I’m forced to drink a large several large whiskies.

ASH. Sod you. And MPs. And………………………….

As a foot note. Could we expect an event such as happened in Norway coming to a place near us?  Most certainly if someone doesn’t take a lead and govern FOR the people.

Don’t drink and fly.

Take one drunken redkneck and one light aircraft………………………………………..

All is not as it seems. Damn good piloting though. Watch till the end.

H/T to David Wheeler.

There coming for you now, you filthy drinkers.

Of course you were delighted that those evil smokers were kicked out of the pubs that they had enjoyed for so many years. Well I’m sorry to say that now the health Nazis have realised, that by their drip drip of insidious propaganda, they can brainwash the feeble minded liberal elite into a knee jerk reaction to enforce a minimum price for your chosen beverage.

They will start the de-normalisation process that they so well perfected on the smoker. It won’t be rushed but it will be insidious and steady.

Just little things such as dubious findings to tug the heart strings, and of course somewhere they’ll be the usual “Think of the Cheeeldren.

FIRE

The study also found that alcohol impairment was a cause of the fire in 25% of cases, and a factor
affecting response to the fire in 26% of cases. Alcohol impairment was often associated with fires at
night and at weekends.

Source:

Arson Control Forum: Learning lessons from real fires: findings from fire investigation reports. Research Bulletin No.9. Department for Communities and Local Government. July 2006.

Then of course I’m going to be facetious and look at the statistics from the other side. It would, in mind be safer to be drinking, as then your risk is only 25% as against the risk of being as a teetotaller, 75%. (Yes I know that someone will comment that this is a misuse of statistics).

WATER

Evil, hateful stuff to you foul drinkers.

There were 525 drowning fatalities in the UK involving adults and children aged 10 and over in the
home and garden between 1993 and 1999 (excluding suicide), an average of 79 incidents per annum.
85% of the incidents occurred indoors and almost all in the bath. Alcohol was a factor in 13% of the
cases. Alcohol affected females more than males and in particular the age range 40 to 59. The most
common causes were tripping or falling outdoors, falling into or slipping in the bath, and losing
consciousness or falling asleep in the bath while intoxicated.

Source: Drownings in the Home and Garden.. Consumer Affairs Directorate. Department of Trade and Industry. June 2001

They don’t actually state any figures for how much Alcohol imbibed. Was it one glass of wine or a whole bottle. Stand away from the Bath, NOW.

 

WORKPLACE ACCIDENTS.

Don’t ever think of having a half pint at lunchtime on a hot day (Caused by AGW, Natch).

Referring to substance abuse at the workplace, The International Labour Organisation states “in many
workplaces, 20 to 25 per cent of accidents at work involve intoxicated people injuring themselves and
innocent victims”.
In 1979-80 in the UK, the Health and Safety Executive investigated blood alcohol concentrations in 35
of 92 fatal workplace accidents reported to them, of which 7 (20%) exceeded the drink drive limit.
However, there little work has been done to up-date that figure, and there is no reliable estimate of the
current number of occupational deaths and injuries attributable to alcohol.
Institute of Alcohol Studies 21 April 2010

Various so called learned articles by Doctor X or professor Y will be dripped into the public consciousness over the coming years, no, months, to start your denormalisation in earnest. Your time has come.

 

Expect to see the headline soon. “Woman drowns in Workplace bath, trying to put out the flaming drink spilt on her, ignited by  cigarette”.

Of course this is just fiction. Couldn’t happen could it?

*FE pours another stiff drink*

The demon drink

If you had been around in 1919 and came upon the following poster...

I mean, seriously, wouldn’t you just keep drinking?

They’re coming for you now.

First they came for the smokers………………and I did nothing.

Then they came for the drinkers.

For all you drinking righteous who rejoiced that smokers were ejected out of the pubs and clubs into the cold. Well they’re coming for you now. The health puritans, having won their battle with smoking, are now going to use the same tactics on drinkers.

The slow creep of denormalisation by inducing a steady stream of half truths is slowly becoming a flood.

Drinking more than a pint of beer a day can substantially increase the risk of some cancers, research suggests.

The Europe-wide study of 363,988 people reported in the British Medical Journal found one in 10 of all cancers in men and one in 33 in women were caused by past or current alcohol intake.

Notice how the word “suggests” pops up in that first paragraph above. If they’re so certain, surely they would uses the word “proves”.

And from Cancer Research UK.

In the last 10 years, mouth cancer has become much more common and one reason for this could be because of higher levels of drinking - as this study reflects.

Notice here again they only use the word “Could”.

And if your overweight, they’re coming for you next.

Along with being a non-smoker and keeping a healthy bodyweight, cutting back on alcohol is one of the most important ways of lowering your cancer risk."

And from the Office of National Statistics comes this to prove that their stats about drinking more than in the past are just downright lies.

Now what shall I have for Lunch? Mmmm. I think a large pie and chips with lashings of salt. Washed down by half a bottle of Merlot. Followed by a fag.

*If any Americans are reading this. A fag is slang for cigarette.

Drinkaware?

Oh dear. I know I like a drink but…………………..

 

How To Appreciate Solitary Drinking

Carrying on from how to avoid Chuggers, I bring you a further pearl of wisdom.

Mrs F E is working late.

 

Many people like to drink alcohol. Some do it for fun, some do it for social reasons and some even (believe it or not) just use it as an excuse to go down the pub and watch the game on the big screen. But there are some who do it alone. Solitary drinking can be a wonderful experience, and the following steps may inspire you (as a sensible drinker) to appreciate the joys of drinking alone.

The Recommended Schedule of Events

• When shopping for indulgences or intellectual matter (eg, the latest Salman Rushdie tome, of which you may have no intention of reading) make an impromptu visit to a cheap back street off-licence and buy two of the following recommended alcoholic drinks: wine (red or white, but not the expensive kind, that's just silly), beer (almost any type will do), vodka (and a mixer if you wish) or gin (if you're feeling especially emotional).

• On returning home, make sure you are alone. This may involve causing a rift between you and your spouse, partner, friends or family so that they leave. All methods are perfectly acceptable, and the resulting self-loathing will benefit you later in the night.

• Commence drinking at roughly 7pm. Do not commence drinking earlier, as this could result in alcohol abuse. If you need to cook in order to eat, this should be done before 7pm to avoid burns and other injuries, but eating while drinking is perfectly acceptable. In fact, it is highly recommended that you consume something you never normally would from the fridge; a 'nantwich' is perfect. Douglas Adams' The Meaning of Liff explains a nantwich as,

  'a late-night snack, invented by the Earl of Nantwich, which consists of the dampest thing in the fridge, pressed between two of the driest things in the fridge. The Earl, who lived in a flat in Clapham, invented the nantwich to avoid having to go shopping'.

• Roughly an hour and-a-half into your drinking session, remove an item of clothing. Trousers are the preference for men, but women fluctuate between garments and changing into sparser, more inappropriate clothing. Men can also indulge in this, but do make sure you definitely are alone. People don't want to see all that hair and saggy bits.

• Watch an educational programme by the BBC. Key presenters of such viewing delights are: Stephen Fry, Richard Attenbourgh, David Attenbourgh, Jeremy Paxman or Michael Palin. Snigger throughout.

• Watch a romantic comedy (something by Richard Curtis is recommended). All forms are acceptable. Men may have to find suitable material in the film collection of a wife, girlfriend or female friend.

• By about 10.30pm, return to a bad habit. Smoking, illicit viewing, mild drug habit, flicking to the dirty bits in novels, cross-dressing, or snooping though the wife/husband's, girlfriend/boyfriend's, or female/male friend's possessions are all popular choices.

• After running out of booze, search for, and consume the bottle of hazelnut liqueur you bought on that French holiday two years ago.

• Embarrass yourself via mobile phone text, email or online community/social networking website.

• Collapse in a front of the television. It is vital that it is left on a channel that will later, when a companion returns, be showing pornography or reality TV.

There, that should help you fill an otherwise uneventful night. Bottoms Up!

And they came for the drinkers

Here we go again.

Minimum prices for alcoholic drinks would be set by the Government under radical plans being drawn up to cut Britain’s growing binge-drinking problem.

They're even admitting to intend to use the same tactics as they did on smokers:

He compared the emerging alcohol policy to that involving tobacco – which led to a sharp increase in cigarette prices and a ban on smoking in public places.

I will not vote for any party that contemplates more of this bullying. And yes, that includes your party Dave.

Source