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Saturday, 25 September 2010

How To Appreciate Solitary Drinking

Carrying on from how to avoid Chuggers, I bring you a further pearl of wisdom.

Mrs F E is working late.

 A solitary glass of chilled white wine on a table outdoors with a beautiful sunset as a backdrop.

Many people like to drink alcohol. Some do it for fun, some do it for social reasons and some even (believe it or not) just use it as an excuse to go down the pub and watch the game on the big screen. But there are some who do it alone. Solitary drinking can be a wonderful experience, and the following steps may inspire you (as a sensible drinker) to appreciate the joys of drinking alone.

The Recommended Schedule of Events

  • When shopping for indulgences or intellectual matter (eg, the latest Salman Rushdie tome, of which you may have no intention of reading) make an impromptu visit to a cheap back street off-licence and buy two of the following recommended alcoholic drinks: wine (red or white, but not the expensive kind, that's just silly), beer (almost any type will do), vodka (and a mixer if you wish) or gin (if you're feeling especially emotional).

  • On returning home, make sure you are alone. This may involve causing a rift between you and your spouse, partner, friends or family so that they leave. All methods are perfectly acceptable, and the resulting self-loathing will benefit you later in the night.

  • Commence drinking at roughly 7pm. Do not commence drinking earlier, as this could result in alcohol abuse. If you need to cook in order to eat, this should be done before 7pm to avoid burns and other injuries, but eating while drinking is perfectly acceptable. In fact, it is highly recommended that you consume something you never normally would from the fridge; a 'nantwich' is perfect. Douglas Adams' The Meaning of Liff explains a nantwich as,

    'a late-night snack, invented by the Earl of Nantwich, which consists of the dampest thing in the fridge, pressed between two of the driest things in the fridge. The Earl, who lived in a flat in Clapham, invented the nantwich to avoid having to go shopping'.
  • Roughly an hour and-a-half into your drinking session, remove an item of clothing. Trousers are the preference for men, but women fluctuate between garments and changing into sparser, more inappropriate clothing. Men can also indulge in this, but do make sure you definitely are alone. People don't want to see all that hair and saggy bits.

  • Watch an educational programme by the BBC. Key presenters of such viewing delights are: Stephen Fry, Richard Attenbourgh, David Attenbourgh, Jeremy Paxman or Michael Palin. Snigger throughout.

  • Watch a romantic comedy (something by Richard Curtis is recommended). All forms are acceptable. Men may have to find suitable material in the film collection of a wife, girlfriend or female friend.

  • By about 10.30pm, return to a bad habit. Smoking, illicit viewing, mild drug habit, flicking to the dirty bits in novels, cross-dressing, or snooping though the wife/husband's, girlfriend/boyfriend's, or female/male friend's possessions are all popular choices.

  • After running out of booze, search for, and consume the bottle of hazelnut liqueur you bought on that French holiday two years ago.

  • Embarrass yourself via mobile phone text, email or online community/social networking website.

  • Collapse in a front of the television. It is vital that it is left on a channel that will later, when a companion returns, be showing pornography or reality TV.

There, that should help you fill an otherwise uneventful night. Bottoms Up!


  1. In your synopsis of why people indulge in alcohol FE ..

    You neglected to mention those of us who do so simply because we like the taste ..

    Just saying .. ;)

  2. Yup. I'm just about to start my second Glenfiddich.

  3. And trying cooking under the influence.

  4. Reading the above really makes me miss Alcohol and all of its side effects. One of my favourite memories was waking up in the nightclub loo at 5am, the place was empty and I had to break out (the good old days).

  5. At my age I can't remember what I did 5 minutes ago.

  6. A masterful summary but try getting pissed on brandy-laced hot chocolate in a remote Scottish glen. Then attempting to cook dinner on a tiny gas stove. It is fun to try and there's not a chugger in sight.
    Cheers, Pete.

  7. The Filthy Engineer said...
    "At my age I can't remember what I did 5 minutes ago" ...

    I think that's called having a "CRAFT" moment FE ... (Can't Remember A Flippin' Thing) .. ;)

  8. Mrs D says you're missing the point.
    The point is apparently you have to start a drink as you are cooking otherwise the cooking becomes a waste of time. And anyway if you are drinking on your own, why are you bothering to cook?
    Mrs D also recommends a bottle of Baileys and forget the cooking, as your soul is not going into it in her experience...
    I would comment further, but Mrs D has just pointed out that her glass is empty and as she has just slaved over a hot stove, it is my job to fill the glass...
    She also adds you really should just start with the gin and forget all the cheap shit! (could be a girly answer - why not check it out with Mrs FE?)

  9. No solitary drinking tonight. I'm just drinking doubles.

  10. Mrs D says fair enough - fetch me a double too!


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