Oh what NOW!

Sunday, 14 August 2011

London Olympics

A new sport from the one and only Max Farquar

Antipodean Fun

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-li-a is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q:Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum Trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Saturday, 13 August 2011

Well Done Mr Plod.

One of Britain’s finest undoes any respect for the Police gained after the looting and rioting. Why throw your weight around and alienate the public, when more than ever you need to bring the public onside?

In the past a good copper would have used the power of persuasion, complete with a smile to get the result he desired. The man complaining hadn’t actually committed an offence as far as I could perceive, other than filming the police and moving around.

Has it really come to the position that we are stopped because we might be thinking of committing an offence?

Why do they do it?

THE LOOTERS PRAYER:

Our father, who art in prison,
Even my mum knows not his name,
Thy Chavdom come,
Thy will be done in Manchester
As it is in London,
Give us this day our welfare bread,
And forgive us our ASBOs,
As we happy slap those who give evidence against us.
And lead us not to employment,
But deliver us free housing,
For thine is the Chavdom,
The Burberry & the Bacardi,
Forever and ever.

Innit

Friday, 12 August 2011

This looting made me laugh.

They had seen the images from London and Birmingham and wanted to bring a bit of rioting and looting to their own little corner of a West’s market town.

With their hoods up and with bricks in hand, they had arranged to meet on Facebook and selected their target – the Tesco Express store in the centre of Calne, Wiltshire.

Looks good so far.

But things didn’t really go according to plan for the Calne Five, who hadn’t exactly done their homework before setting off for a night of rioting, mayhem and looting.

For a start, they perhaps failed to realise that the looters of London were smashing shop windows because shops were closed so they could get inside to steal their goods.

It gets funnier by the minute

But if the shop is still open, like the Tesco Express in Calne was at the time on Tuesday night, they could easily have simply walked in through the open door.

But, with the two frightened staff inside quickly calling the police, the five set about trying to smash the huge pane of thickened glass that makes up much of the shopfront with their bricks and sticks.

It cracked, but did not shatter. In the end, with the door to the shop opening and closing just feet away as bemused customers came and went, the five ran off as the police arrived.

The full story is here.

I think I’ve wet myself.