Global warming. Pah!

Mark Steyn subbed for Rush on Monday and unloaded an epic rant ahead of the UN’s 10-day “Climate Week” in light of the IPCC’s admission that there has been no global warming since 1998.

British Headlines in the year 2050.

 

Ozone created  by electric cars now killing millions.

White minorities still trying to  have English recognised as the UK 's
third language.

Children from  two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in
schools for being  'different'. Tolerance urged.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not  wearing a Burqa.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale  meat as whales are now extinct, and the scientific research fleet are  unemployed.

UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels  taste like
whale meat.

Britain now has ten Universities of Political  Correctness.
Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go  in the
fight to stop people saying what they think.

Britain's deficit  £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return
to surplus in 100years which is 300 years ahead of time.

Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Iran  still isolated. Physicists estimate at least ten more years
before  radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help  after being taken over by Islamic
Countries. No other country comes  forward.

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as  US
President in 2052.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £19 and  reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten-year, £75.8  billion study commissioned by the Labour
Party, scientists prove diet and  exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of a British male  drops to 18 stone.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates  their civil and
human rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for  crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine  feet,
seven inches.

New law requires that all nail clippers,  screwdrivers, fly swatters
and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by  January 2051 as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in  decades at 75 per cent.

Bradford  win FA Cup Final, beating Hindu  Hornets 4-1.

Winter fuel allowance.

Shortly I expect to receive my winter fuel allowance from the government.

You might ask why I should expect to receive this, bearing in mind that I receive a good company pension, substantial savings, no mortgage, and no debts?

Because I'm worth it.

It's about time that the state gave me something back for a change. After all, I never voted for extensive subsidies for wind turbines and solar panels that have seen my energy bills double in the last decade.

I have paid over and above of my fair share of tax. It's about time I should get some of my tax back.

After all I have helped nearly two generations of the feckless, live happily sucking on the taxpayer's teat.

Just saying.

Questions, questions

 

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May.  What was the third child's name?

2. There is a man serving at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers....What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole ...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language ...is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. ....How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. ...Why not?

8. What was the President 's Name...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, ...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Scroll down……….

 

 

Here are the Answers

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
Answer:Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You 're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the USA’s President's Name in 1975?
Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on...]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

How did you do? Be honest.

Wots the job?

Got up at 6:15 this morning and drove for half an hour. On arrival at my destination I was given a short refresher course by the boss of the establishment, whence she left to go to her office.

After five hours on my computer, my next task was to drive to a venue half an hour away with a passenger and supervise at that location.

At six this evening I had to drive back to the venue that I left in the morning and drop the passenger back there. I then drove home and arrived back by seven o’clock.

Tomorrow I will be go back to the location, although I don’t have to be there till 0830. When I get there I will be expected to look after yesterdays passenger whose needs are paramount. The working pattern will however be different. I will stay to await the arrival of the boss, mid afternoon, and most certainly have to give her a full debriefing of events that have occurred.

However the day will not end there. I’m required to work overtime (Unpaid) until midnight, as the team that usually covers the evening are expected to attend a  bonding session with their peers.

Have a guess at what the job is.

DISCLAIMER: There is no monetary prize for the correct answer.

Ex?

 

Our house.

The pic below says it all.

They want a 15% pay rise
They claim for food and drink
They claim for travel expenses
They claim for second homes
They claim for decorating
They claim for gardening
They claim for furniture
They claim for office stationary
They claim for council tax
They claim for house hold bills
They will claim for anything they can !!

Yesterday was Friday 13th.

 

Spookily the page views for this blog were 666.

Strange.

Ring Ring

The house phone rang this afternoon. On my picking it up I found that it was from my phone and internet service provider. After the usual preliminaries “ We are recording for Blah,blah, etc”, the caller got down to business.

1. Have you any problems with our service?

My reply: Broadband is slow, and often disconnects.

Her reply: Errm, here’s the number of our service department.

2. Are you satisfied with your phone charges?

My reply: I rarely use the home phone as I have more free minutes on my mobile than I will ever use.

Her reply: Errrm….

3. Have you got Freeview or Sky?

My reply: Both

Her reply: We can let you have a digibox that will allow you to record and rewind, download films and fly you to the moon. (Alright, I made the last one up).

My reply: My system already does that.

Her reply: Errrrm.

Now comes the crunch that she was really leading up to.

4. Would you like to sign up for another year’s contract?

My reply: Why would I want to do that? Your terms and conditions state that once I signed up with you, after one year, It would be a rolling contract able to be cancelled at any time.

My service provider frequently gets bad press. It seems that they are making a concerted effort to tie their customer base in for the short term and maybe use this in advertising their service. “X thousands of customers have renewed their contact with us”.

Hint: My provider is what women do x two.

IN GOD WE TRUST

A Blond in Church

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends
that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.