Money under the mattress.

Well not quite.

A few years ago when I retired, I received a substantial lump sum as part of my retirement package. Now of course I couldn’t leave it in my current account, earning next to bugger all, so I looked around for various means of at least keeping my money abreast of inflation.

Some of the money went into unit trusts, some went into ZOPA, and some into a plethora of savings accounts in several different banks. (Eleven).

A fair few months ago I looked at my spread sheet (More about that later) and looked at one account which strangely I hadn’t noted a figure of amount invested, and thought I’d check the account online. (The last time I accessed it was over six months ago). However I couldn’t gain entry so I put it off to another day. A couple of months ago I tried again. Still no access.

Last year I paid a lot of money for my eldest daughter’ wedding and had drawn money from various accounts which I closed on completion. So I presumed till last week that this account must have been one of them and closed .

Not so.

Last week I received a phone call from an Indian call centre. (The bank was a British subsidiary of an Indian bank). The caller implied that my term deposit in the account that I thought was closed was no longer going to pay the interest, and would revert to a derisory amount , and would I like to switch to a new deal? For some reason I thought this was trying to get me to save with them. I hung up.

I’m a fool. (I’ve said it so you don’t have to).

However on Saturday I received an Email from the bank reiterating the same message that I received by phone, It also showed the capital that had been invested. (My eyes lit up).

This morning I phoned them up and found that the reason I’d been locked out of the account was because I’d not accessed it on line for six months. After verifying my details, (why  they need my cat’s middle name is beyond me?) I finally accessed my account.

It held over double what I thought I’d invested (Interest added). I didn’t know this as as I’d looked at the wrong bloody spread sheet. The up to date spread sheet, showed that it was a three year fixed rate deal.

I’m not going to say how much, as if I do, the kids will be around on the doorstep with their kids dressed in rags and barefoot, asking for a hand out. (Hi Lizi & Kat).

I now have a substantial buffer to ride out the economic slump. I can afford decent whisky again.

Motto: There’s no fool like an old fool.

Papers Please

 

Cease and desist.

I’m talking about you, Charities.

You should stop deluging old and vulnerable people, such as my Mum in law, with an endless bombardment of telephone calls and letters asking her for money and implying that she is heartlessly, single handedly, killing children in the third world. Oh and Tigers as well.

Your constant bombardment is now turning her to decide not to give anything to anyone of you.

Personally I refuse to give to any charity that pesters me on the phone or by letter. I prefer to give to charities that don’t waste their donations on TV adverts, unsolicited phone calls, and mail shots. If they’re that good then they shouldn’t need to indulge in this sheer waste of their donation money.

So I’m off out tomorrow to buy MIL an industrial strength shredder for starters and then sign her up to the Telephone Preference Service and the Mailing preference service.

Oh and before someone says that I’m a heartless bastard that doesn’t care about the third world or children (We have to think perpetually about the Cheeeeldren), I’ve seen how some of the charities work in the third world.Ooverpaid and absolutely useless.

One Example:

Various charities had been in Angola for five years. A sewage plant had been inoperative for twenty years. Disease was rife in the region and nothing was done by the NGO’s. It took myself and a contingent of Royal Engineers, TEN days to get it operational. (Blowing own trumpet, SORRY).

The moral is choose, who you give to, wisely.

Deadly

H/T to Lizi.

MPG

 

Climate Change?

A simple vid that should be shown widely, to impart the fact that the so called Climate scientists, Politicians, Greens, Wind farm companies, Uncle Tom Cobley and all, have justified milking the populace. This Vid debunks the models that purport to show CAGW.

Says it all really. Even the Met Office and the chairman of the IPPC, Rajenda Pachauri, have had to admit that the world average temperature has flat lined for the last sixteen years. Mind you, trying to find that press release on the Met Office’s web site is beyond me.

Bed time story

A new take on that bedtime story and how the world was going to overheat from Global warming. Just watch it and smile. How true it is.

(Beware. Sweary words at the end).

A second opinion should have been obtained

 

The doctor said, 'Harry, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for.

I had no choice but to go under the knife.

When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of Myself.

As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life.
I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'
The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'
I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said..
I tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.
As I, admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
I tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.
I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. a size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

ASH lobbying FAIL

 

They’re still at their same despicable tricks. ASH that is, Here in 1990 the CEO of ASH being resoundingly castigated for trying to stack the deck in the APPG on smoking.

 

Of course we don’t live in an era in which politicians have integrity and codes of conduct. The ones that did must be turning in their graves.

H/T to Dick

Want cold beer quicker?

Just follow the instructions below.

How does that work you may say?

Simples. Salt lowers the freezing point of water. Normally water freezes at 0 celsius. The addition of salt will lower the temperature at which water freezes so that the salt water solution is still a liquid below 0 celsius. This effect will work for several degrees below the normal freezing point of water. So, this is why you put salt on your driveway in winter and the ice will melt, because the freezing point has been lowered.