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Friday, 11 January 2013

Ring Ring.

And no it’s not my niece.

Me: (Gingerly picks up the phone as it is a number I don’t recognise) Hello?

Caller: Is that Mr FE?

Me: Speaking.

Caller: I hope you are well today (Why that should be any concern of there’s I don’t know).

Me: Well I’m suffering from the winter lurgy and hope this doesn’t get passed down the phone line to you (Smiles).

Caller: (Pause) Sorry to hear that but I’m interested if you'd be interested in our home energy improvements.

Next follows a pre-prepared script about the energy savings that could be obtained.

Me: Ok. Tell me more.

Caller: We can get a grant to help you install our loft installation.

Me: Great. Can you supply me with a loft to go with it? (I have a three story house which has no loft) 

Caller: (Long pause). You have no loft?

Me: Nope.

Caller: Ok. Can we interest you in cavity wall insulation?

Me: So you want to destroy the integrity of the structure of my house?

Caller: Not at all Sir.

Me: Explain why I should inject a substance that will negate the whole idea that a cavity wall is there to prevent damp passing from the exterior to the inside.?

Caller: (Longer pause).

Me: Don’t worry, I haven’t any cavity walls anyway..

Caller: (Now realising is he’s lost, tries one last gambit), Can we interest you in solar panels?.

Me: (By now I’ve lost the will to live) No. Unless you can guarantee me free power for twenty years with no expense to me.

Caller: Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, (Rings off)


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Wont get that far with me. Live in a conservation area with solid walls to the house and no chance of fitting double glazing let alone anything else.


  3. I usually let them go through their spiel with an amazing amount of enthusiasm, oohing and aahing at the right moments and agreeing with everything they say and then, at the end tell them that I live in a flat and would I need my landlord's agreement to any structural alterations? I then thank them for their call and as I'm a lonely old sod, would appreciate them going through this again at about the same time the following day. The miserable buggers never call back!

  4. I too am " I'm a lonely old sod, "

    I Love getting these calls from lovely girls especially when I am just oota the bath and have no clothes on.

    Mr. Dave there?

    Which one says me?

    Dave Dave

    Me there are 3 Dave Daves here
    Dave the father, Dave the son and Dave the holy terror..........

  5. And once you are on the 'suckers list', be prepared for Carbon Credits, Rare Earth Metals, PPI, Accident at work, etc etc


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