And no it’s not my niece.
Me: (Gingerly picks up the phone as it is a number I don’t recognise) Hello?
Caller: Is that Mr FE?
Caller: I hope you are well today (Why that should be any concern of there’s I don’t know).
Me: Well I’m suffering from the winter lurgy and hope this doesn’t get passed down the phone line to you (Smiles).
Caller: (Pause) Sorry to hear that but I’m interested if you'd be interested in our home energy improvements.
Next follows a pre-prepared script about the energy savings that could be obtained.
Me: Ok. Tell me more.
Caller: We can get a grant to help you install our loft installation.
Me: Great. Can you supply me with a loft to go with it? (I have a three story house which has no loft)
Caller: (Long pause). You have no loft?
Caller: Ok. Can we interest you in cavity wall insulation?
Me: So you want to destroy the integrity of the structure of my house?
Caller: Not at all Sir.
Me: Explain why I should inject a substance that will negate the whole idea that a cavity wall is there to prevent damp passing from the exterior to the inside.?
Caller: (Longer pause).
Me: Don’t worry, I haven’t any cavity walls anyway..
Caller: (Now realising is he’s lost, tries one last gambit), Can we interest you in solar panels?.
Me: (By now I’ve lost the will to live) No. Unless you can guarantee me free power for twenty years with no expense to me.
Caller: Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, (Rings off)