They be shiny round things.

Uses for Unwanted CDs

Something obviously has to be done about this problem. Certain inventive minds have come up with a number of uses for these CDs, thus avoiding space wastage and also preventing future generations making the mistake of coming across these CDs and inserting them into their computers.

• The current most popular use is to use them as frisbees. They don't fly very well, they break easily, but there's plenty more where they came from.

• They can be stuck (label first) onto the wall in a pattern as a nice modern art decoration.

• They make great novelty beer mats.

• You can use particularly shiny ones as shaving mirrors.

• Superglue them all together, and use as a large-volume, small-capacity Smarties (See Note 1) tube, as extra-secure cable insulation, as small coffee tables, or as rollers for transporting large furniture.

• Become a physics lecturer and use them to demonstrate refraction of light.

• Glue one to the back of your hamster's wheel so it can use its reflection as a pace setter while exercising.

• Propose to your beloved and present it as a novelty engagement ring.

---

Note 1. These are small disc-shaped chocolate sweets sold in tubes and available in the UK.

I’m Poorer today.

No. I’m not going to bother you with the comprehensive spending review. This is far more serious.

Today I was coerced into transferring a considerable amount of money into a solicitor’s bank account. This solicitor is acting as an intermediary, for a shadowy couple who appear out of the shadows every so often. This is not the first time I’ve had dealings with these people. They’ve even followed me abroad in pursuance of gain, in their quest to bankrupt me.

I’ve even been accosted in restaurants and pubs and forced to pay for their meals in order to get them off my back. How much more can a man stand?

I’ve even been forced to lock money into a bank account for three years in order that they can extract the maximum out of me.

At this time I would hope that my readers have now phoned The Police, Social Services, The Vice Squad, Their Local Diversity Outreach co-coordinator, Gay Lesbian Transgender Representative, (What ever floats your boat) etc. In order to help FE from these criminals.

Stop that dialling. NOW.

Saint FE has actually been trying to get the Eldest Daughter and her Fiancée onto the housing ladder. But my God the hoops you have to go through.

The end is Nigh. Hopefully.

The Real National Debt: A Decade of Reckless Growth

Oh Shit.

We really are proverbially fucked.

From the Tax payers alliance.

You have mail

Alternative Uses For Junk Mail

• Flyers and leaflets can be used as an endless source of cheap bookmarks.

• Some junk mail envelopes are blank and can easily be reused.

• Large flyers and catalogues can make good fire-lighters.

Alternative Uses for Unwanted Magazines

• Read at least one issue of the offending magazine. If you like what you see (you never know), there should be no further problem.

• If someone in the house already has a subscription to the magazine and you now get two of each issue, put one in the bathroom or toilet. It provides good reading material, or at least might come in handy during toilet paper shortages.

• Move house. They can't find you if you change your address. Note that this is a rather silly option, as it would be much cheaper just to unsubscribe from the magazine.

• If you have a friend that you suspect might enjoy reading about motor sports, or cactus gardens, or whatever other completely arbitrary thing the magazine happens to be about, simply give them the magazines.

• Many magazines are printed on recycled paper. If your much-despised publication happens to be one of these, then it may be a good idea to think about using them for something like the lining on the floor of a birdcage, or as a place for a small dog to urinate. Alternatively, recycled paper is also good for papier maché (provided the dog doesn't get to it first).

• There is a chance, however small, that your magazine is prestigious enough to be collectable (See Note 1). Just find a large box, put all of your magazines in it until the subscription runs out, and then stuff it up inside your attic and try not to forget about them (See Note 2).

If all this doesn't work, just give up. Some people out there might contemplate taking the effort to throw their unwanted magazines in the bin or recycle them, but that's far too much effort.

---

1. In other words, some weirdo will probably buy them off you later if you take good care of them.
1. On second thought, forgetting them might not be the worst thing that could happen.

Banks

I still hate them.
This was going to be a reply in the comments but I thought that the general theme would be better aired in the open.
In reply to the Weekend Yachtsman who commented on my last bank post with this.

Not so sympathetic on charges, to be honest. Everything is there in the small print; if you don't read it, and/or don't honour the agreements you've signed up to, you don't have any gripe when the advertised penalties come into effect. If you don't understand that, you shouldn't be opening a bank account, frankly.
Lives ruined? Get real.

The last point you make is ludicrous

If you don't understand that, you shouldn't be opening a bank account, frankly.

Answer me this Mr Yachty. How can you not have a bank account these days? How many companies pay their employees in cash? Very, very, few I would surmise.
(I’m not slagging you off. I’m just stating a fact)
A lot of the cases I dealt with, involved working with people on a low wage who could just about make ends meet. Most had an overdraft limit and were at times forced by circumstance to hover near that limit due some unforeseen circumstance. One case in point was that a close relative died and funeral expenses needed to be paid. You get the picture.
Now the family in question, being money conscientious, had set up ten direct debits to pay the various utility bills that we are all required to pay. Can you imagine their shock when they received a rude letter from one of the utility companies stating that the direct debit had failed to be honoured? On contacting the bank they found that the bank had stopped all their direct debits to the utility companies as the family was over it’s overdraft limit by a few pounds.
Bad enough. However the family were penalised by the bank with a charge of £38.
So what you say.
They were charged £38 for exceeding their overdraft limit and ten times £38 for the direct debits. A whopping £418.
From then on they could never recover.
All the banks loaded their penalties in this way, even though it is widely known that with their computerised systems, the costs of stopping a direct debit, cheque, etc, would at most cost them £2.
But then again the banks made £6,000,000,000 from their charges alone, per year.
Just as an aside. Until the OFT challenged them and lost due to incompetence, not one case, where people challenged the banks in court, ever went to court. The banks would prevaricate right down to the wire. Even settling on the court steps before the hearing. They knew that what they were doing couldn’t stand scrutiny. For the moment they have won the battle. But have they won the war?
You have the right of reply Mr Weekend Yachtsman.
Of course I might have a diatribe about Weekend sailors. I was a Professional seafarer for 43 years and came to deplore the sheer lack of knowledge of the “Rule of the Road” by weekend sailors.
Phew that’s better. Off for a ciggy and a large whisky.
 

Retread - the Desperate Cigarette

This entry eloquently demonstrates why you really shouldn't take up smoking.

Take one cigarette paper, one filter (if you have one) and one ashtray. Remove a butt from the ashtray, hold it above the paper and roll it between your thumb and forefinger so that any remaining tobacco falls on to the paper. Remove another butt from the ashtray and repeat until the paper is covered with tobacco. Place the filter at the end of the paper, roll the paper, light the cigarette, inhale and instantly regret it.

Why?

At some point many tobacco smokers will have experienced the 'retread', a second-hand cigarette that is usually rolled in the days immediately preceding pay-day or giro-day, and that carries with it the shame, desperation and lack of forward-planning that characterises the psychology of those of us addicted to tobacco. These characteristics manifest themselves as follows:

Lack of Forward Planning

A retread is rolled when a smoker has run out of tobacco and has also run out of money, preventing the purchase of any more. The smoker generally doesn't notice the imminent tragedy until it's too late. At no point during the previous week or so does the smoker think 'Oh, tobacco's a bit short, best stock up while I've still got some cash'; it's not until the hand reaches to the bottom of the packet to find only crumbs that the severity of the situation becomes apparent. The lack of forward planning is inherent in any smoker - we all know that in the long term smoking isn't going to do us any favours but we carry on regardless.

Desperation

A retread is constructed by scouring ashtrays and attempting to amass enough tobacco from the butts contained therein to cobble together a new cigarette. A retread is never pleasant and a rational person would rarely smoke one out of choice, but desperation can do terrible things to rationality. Being a combination of ash and dry tobacco, a retread burns badly, hurts the throat and, during construction, makes a terrible mess under the fingernails. The smoker can only hope that they can find a nail brush and that there are some filters left.

And some papers.

Shame

The natural successor to such an act of desperation is shame. Rummaging around ashtrays in search of a final drag lacks dignity. Rummaging around the ashtrays of other people is even worse (though that is generally localised to the early hours of parties). As the tobacco comes from the end of smoked cigarettes it has already been coated with tar and nicotine, making the retread a nasty affair and leading to a horrendous cough the following morning, reminding the smoker of the depths to which they have sunk. A retread smoker is rarely a proud smoker.

Oh No Not Again

A seriously bad planner might find themselves retreading two-three days before getting paid. This can lead to retreads of retreads and even retreads of retreaded retreads, which are as ghastly as they sound. It's a humbling moment when you find yourself eyeing up the ashtrays, knowing that the same thing happened last month and will no doubt happen next month, re-treading the retread path.

Dear Dave

An open letter to the leader of the Conservative Blue labour party.

Dear Dave,

I used to be a lifelong member of what was the conservative party. Alas no more.

I used to believe the conservative party to be the party of low taxes and little state interference. I now realise that this coagulation of a government is no better than the last.

• All I see is my quality of life is going to be further eroded in your “Lets bash the middle class again” campaign. Yes I think you need the money. But surely, if you let me just have a little bit of it to spend, I might just help to keep British business afloat.
• Where’s your referendum on Europe that you promised? Have you mislaid it? Or is it that you’ve realised just like the rest us that, we are irrevocably bound to be governed by Brussels due to that Monocular, Nokia throwing, spendthrift, cunt, Gordon Brown who signed the Lisbon Treaty ?
• Banging on about the EU for a little longer. If as most pundits seem to agree (Except the Biased Broadcasting Corporation), that 80% of law is enacted from Brussels, why do we need 650 members of parliament? Could we not dispense with 80% of them? (Ooodles of money to be saved there. Especially the expenses).
• Repeal the hunting ban? Ok. But what about the smoking ban which affects far more of the populace? I’m only asking for an amendment to allow freedom of choice to have smoking and non smoking bars in Pubs. Not too much to ask is it?
• Minimum price for alcohol? Tesco’s will love that. Loadsamoney to be made there. (Oh and one thing Dave. You may find that you could just fall foul of the EU on that one. You know, those people mentioned in a paragraph above). Do keep up.
• Climate change. I think that you’re way behind times on that one. Even the Royal Society has changed it’s position on that hot lukewarm chestnut.  See here for FE’s primer on the subject.
• Bonfire of the Quangos? Don’t make me larf. About the size of one of those once only barbecues you can buy in a petrol station, more like.

Well I’ve got to go now as I need to write a nice letter to that friend of yours, Cleggy.

Kind regards

FE.

Ash. This is your fault.

The law of unintended consequences by an organisation that is funded by the taxpayer. Sanctimonious shits.

Yes I know the vid is sponsored by BAT. But this is not a false scenario. It is happening now.

Ash. You have the right of reply, but as I suspect, you don’t care as long as you are raking in the taxpayers money to fund your lifestyles.

Banks

I hate them.

Myself and Mrs FE having been trying to get the eldest daughter and her Fiancée's feet, on the housing ladder.

Well they approached  a well known high street bank for a mortgage and were assured that a mortgage was just about guaranteed. But with strings. In order that they would be granted the mortgage I would be required to lodge a substantial amount of dosh in one of the banks deposit accounts for 36 months.

Now of course the bank had to have the property valued to assess the worth of the property, against the 90% they were willing to lend.

They forgot.

Because of the delay another buyer jumped in with a higher offer. Well the daughter put in a higher offer, not vastly higher than her original bid, but higher than the other bidder.

Job done you say.

Nope.

Now the bank wouldn’t lend for the extra price. Apart from the fact that it took weeks to come to the decision, they’d been sitting on my money in one of their holding accounts all that time.

It looks like the problem is maybe resolved as I’ve informed them that I’ll add another substantial amount to the deposit and the bank has agreed in principal. I’m not holding my breath though, as all the way through there has been other issues which I can only put down to sheer incompetence.

Hopefully exchange of contracts will be Tuesday.

Oh and if I was to see a prancing black horse in the high street, I’d shoot it.

Sometime I’ll do a post about when I helped out on a forum to assist those who had their lives ruined by bank charges. I’ve never seen so many ruined lives as then.

Etiquette – part 2.

Urinal Rules

The main problem posed when answering nature's call is which urinal to use. Many urinals are a line of porcelain or stainless steel bowls, hooked halfway up the wall for ergonomic ease.

If you find yourself lucky enough to enter an empty toilet you have nothing to worry about and can go about your business stress free; however, when other men are already using the facilities a problem soon arises. The first rule of thumb is to always leave at least one urinal empty between yourself and other users, remembering of course that the bowl near the door should always be the last option in this circumstance. If there is somebody occupying every second bowl and only ones in the middle of people are available, take a quick note of which man looks biggest and baldest - avoid at all costs. If, while in the middle of business a place becomes vacant, do not move away to it as this may cause offence to other users. Some toilets have small partitions between each urinal to make things less uncomfortable but as these are a luxury they should never be expected.

Some other places, however, prefer the design whereby a long and narrow gutter or trough runs along the ground while the men utilising it stand on a stainless-steel or tiled step. This system means that there are no predefined spaces for people to stand at and the user is required to estimate. Though partitions are known to exist in this design, they are even rarer than in the former one. Once again, an empty room gives a user free range: often the best place to stand is at the end, meaning that the next person can stand at the other end and subsequent patrons can congregate in the middle, spaced apart. However, when kicking-out time occurs it is often the case that people literally shove themselves into a small space between two other men to relieve themselves. Unless one is desperate this is always a bad choice, but if it is necessary, once again it must be stressed to avoid anyone who looks particularly thuggish.

Both designs have cleaning methods involving water rushing down the back panel. This can be done in a number of ways: old designs release water constantly; whereas more modern installments do this at timed intervals; impressive fittings have a button that can be pressed after each use to clean the panel and the latest technology offers a system whereby a sensor flushes the panel once a person has walked away from the urinal. Blockages can cause the cleaning system to become clogged up and water to overflow; cigarette butts or toilet paper commonly block the pathway.

With either style, though particularly the second, one must always remember to adopt a mindset not unlike that of a golfer: keep your head down and your eyes focussed - try not to veer off to the side.

Stall Rules

The other choice is using a stall. This option may be preferred by those with stage fright as it provides a barrier from other people and saves embarrassment - though don't expect the lock on the inside of the door to actually work. However, as these facilities are often used for more than just urination, it is not uncommon to find a toilet in a stall containing what is referred to, rather charmingly, as a 'floater', if it is not, then it most certainly will be very smelly and possibly stained too. As no other people are, or at least should be, in this small toilet haven, there are no real rules of etiquette other than to flush - not that this is regularly observed. Try not to take very long, either; this is no time to finish the last few pages of a gripping novel. Toilet paper should be viewed as a luxury but if it is there, it is often placed sideways to avoid the 'over or under' debate.

Don’t forget, the end of an evening can often see the toilet mobbed with men trying to make their long, sobering walk home more comfortable, so stalls often seem like an ideal haven when the urinals are overflowing with people and thus there can be queues to use these: get in early to avoid waiting around and possible kidney injury.