The early days

My early eating days. You youngsters have never had food so good.

* Pasta had not been invented.* Curry was an unknown entity.* Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet.* Spices came from the Middle East where we believed that they were used for embalming.

* Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.
* A takeaway was a mathematical problem.* A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.* Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.* The only vegetables known to us were spuds, peas, carrots and cabbage, anything else was regarded as being a bit suspicious.

* All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
* Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and brown sauce if we were lucky.* Soft drinks were called lemonade.* Coke was something that we mixed with coal to make it last longer.* Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our main course at dinner.* A big mac was what we wore when it was raining.
* A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie.* Brown bread was something only poor people ate.* Oil was for lubricating your bike – not for cooking; fat was for cooking.* Bread and jam was a treat

* Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves, not bags.
* The tea cosy was the forerunner of all the energy-saving devices that we hear so much about today.* Tea had only one colour, black. Green tea was not British.* Coffee was only drunk when we had no tea … and then it was Camp, and came in a bottle. (ED: Shudders)* Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

* Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them.* Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.* Jellied eels were peculiar to Londoners.* Salad cream was a dressing for salads; mayonnaise did not exist.* Hors d’oeuvre was a spelling mistake.* The starter was our main meal.* Soup was a main meal.* The menu consisted of what we were given, and was set in stone.* Only Heinz made beans: any others were impostors.

* Leftovers went in the dog.
* Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.* Sauce was either brown or red.* Fish was only eaten on Fridays.* Fish didn’t have fingers in those days.* Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
* Ready meals only came from the fish-and-chip shop..* For the best taste, fish and chips had to be eaten out of small grease-proof packets wrapped in old newspapers.

* Frozen food was called ice cream.* Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.* Ice cream only came in one colour and one flavour.
* None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.* Jelly and blancmange were only eaten at parties.

* If we said that we were on a diet, we simply got less food.* Healthy food consisted of anything edible.* Healthy food had to have the ability to stick to your ribs.
* Calories were mentioned but they had nothing at all to do with food.* The only criteria concerning the food that we ate were … did we like it and could we afford it.

* People who didn’t peel potatoes were regarded as lazy so-and-so’s.* Indian restaurants were only found in India.* A seven-course meal had to last a week.
* Brunch was not a meal.* Cheese only came in a hard lump.* If we had eaten bacon lettuce and tomato in the same sandwich we would have been certified.* A bun was a small cake back then.

* Eating outside was called a picnic.
* Cooking outside was called camping.* Seaweed was not a recognised food.* Offal was only eaten when we could afford it.* Eggs only came fried or boiled.* Hot cross buns were only eaten at Easter time.
* Pancakes were only eaten on Pancake Tuesday – in fact in those days it was compulsory.

* “Kebab” was not even a word, never mind a food.* Hot dogs were a type of sausage that only Americans ate* The phrase “boil in the bag” would have been beyond our comprehension.* The idea of “oven chips” would not have made any sense at all to us.
* The world had not yet benefited from weird and wonderful things like Pot Noodles, Instant Mash and Pop Tarts

* We bought milk and cream at the same time in the same bottle* Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.* Lettuce and tomatoes in winter were just a rumour.* Most soft fruits were seasonal except perhaps at Christmas.
* Prunes were medicinal.* Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days: it was called cattle feed.

* Turkeys were definitely seasonal.* Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.* We didn’t eat croissants in those days because we couldn’t pronounce them, we couldn’t spell them and we didn’t know what they were.
* We thought that baguettes were a serious problem the French needed to deal with.* Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used to flavour bread.

* Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging treble for it they would have become a laughing stock.* Food hygiene was all about washing your hands before meals.* Campylobacter, salmonella, E. coli, listeria, and botulism were all called “food poisoning”.

* The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties … elbows.

We did live in simpler times. But we enjoyed ourselves. Health an safety weren't invented. In fact neither were "Sell by dates".