A sure fire way to get out of jury duty is to say "yes I will be delighted to attend. What’s the bastard done, anyway?!!!"
It is such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £5/min (charges may vary).
I got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
I just booked a table for me and the wife for the evening of our Wedding Anniversary. It’s bound to end in tears though- she's crap at pool.
I met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!
I got a new Jack Russell puppy today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area - so I've called him Bradford.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
I’ve just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. Then I looked at the quality of the stitching on my new trainers ..... I think the little shits deserved it!