Alert.

”An Earthquake measuring 5.2 on the Richter scale hit the new city of Milton Keynes on Wednesday morning.

”Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying ”bang out of order”, ”mental” and ”sorted”.

”Some are still confused that something interesting actually happened in Newport Pagnell!

”Some residents of Fishermead were woken before their ‘giros’ arrived and it caused quite a panic!

”The earthquake decimated half of the Fullers Slade area causing in excess of £17.55 worth of damage.

”Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza, Corfu, Rhyl and Blackpool were damaged beyond repair including a cute little donkey that ‘broke wind’ when you clapped your hands.

”Preserved areas of historic importance were destroyed and many piles of scientifically significant litter were disturbed.

”One resident of Netherfield, Miss Kylie Davies a 15 year old mother of four said ”It was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Destiny came running into my bedroom crying; my hands were shaking that much I could hardly concentrate on Jeremy Kyle”.

”The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 4,000 crates of Red Bull to the area to help with the crisis.

”Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found numerous ”Elizabeth Duke” sovereign rings, benefit books and Poundstretcher ornaments.

”How can you help?

”This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster.

”Clothing is most sought after. Urgently needed are Lacoste tracksuits, white socks, Burberry caps, Beanie hats and Rockports.

”Food parcels are also needed. They include McCain oven chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch, Hollands pies and Iceland pizza.

”Alcohol is also in short supply, especially White Lightening Cider and Special Brew.

”Cash donations are also needed. 22p buys a ‘signing-on’ biro, £2.50 buys a pie and chips, £20.00 buys a fake MOT and £16.00 buys 200 Regal ciggies from the back of Tomo’s lorry. Your help is appreciated.”

Will the Plod be after me now?

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