1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
Thats the funniest thing I've read in a long time.
ReplyDeleteYes I thought it was amusing.
ReplyDeleteYep, been there, done that. Forget trying to disguise in bowl of cat food, gets expensive!
ReplyDeleteHilarious, but perhaps we should be a bit more like our feline friends when it comes to us humans being given the dreaded EU pill to swallow!
ReplyDeleteExcellent.
ReplyDeleteI once had a very funny book (never lend a book to anyone) called "How to live with a calculating cat" in which this problem was addressed. The solution was to resort to subterfuge. Put pill in pepper grinder, grind over cat's fur. Fastidious cat licks fur clean & ingests pill. All situations were accompanied by cartoons.
ReplyDeleteThere was an accompanying volume "how to live with a neurotic dog" which was equally full of brilliant and hilarious cartoons. I had both, wish I knew what happened to them. probably got lent out by my sister like my Beatles albums to so called friends that never returned them.
DeleteThings that work on our three
ReplyDelete1 Hide pill in piece of squidgy cat sausage - job done for greedy guts cat and bumptious urchin cat
2 For cunning queen cat - cats are far sighted, they cannot actually focus on stuff right at their noses and rely on smell and whiskers to locate things they can no longer see. So habituate cat to broken bits of cat treat same size as pill at same time each day. Keep pill in with bits overnight to acquire smell. at right time, offer pill and broken bits - job done