Slightly topical

Actual  exchanges between pilots and control  towers

Tower:

"Delta  351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6  miles!"

Delta 351: "Give  us another hint! We have digital watches!"

---

Tower:

"TWA  2341, for noise abatement turn right 45  Degrees."

TWA  2341: "Center,  we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up  here?"

Tower: "Sir,  have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it  hits a 727?"

---

From  an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff  queue:

"I'm  f...ing bored!"

Ground  Traffic Control: "Last  aircraft transmitting, identify yourself  immediately!"

Unknown  aircraft: "I  said I was f....ing bored, not f...ing  stupid!"

---

O'Hare  Approach Control to a 747:

"United  329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock,  three miles,  Eastbound."

United  329: "Approach,  I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

---

A  student became lost during a solo cross-country  flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on  radar, ATC asked,

"What  was your last known  position?"

Student: "When  I was number one for takeoff."

---

A  DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an  exceedingly long roll out after touching down. 
San  Jose Tower Noted:

 

"American  751, make a hard right turn at the end of the  runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take  the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at  the lights and return to the  airport."

---

A  Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in   Munich , overheard the following:

 
Lufthansa (in  German):

"Ground,  what is our start clearance  time?"

Ground  (in English):

"If  you want an answer you must speak in  English."

Lufthansa  (in English):

"I  am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .  Why must I speak  English?"

Unknown  voice from another plane (in a beautiful British  accent): "Because  you lost the bloody  war!"

 

---

Tower:

"Eastern  702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on  frequency 124.7"

Eastern  702:

"Tower,  Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after  we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the  far end of the  runway."

Tower: 

"Continental  635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact  Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that  report from Eastern  702?"

Continental  635: "Continental  635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."

---

One  day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the  tower to hold short of the active runway while a  DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned  around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some  quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the  radio and said,

"What  a cute little plane. Did you make it all by  yourself?"

The  Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,  came back with a real zinger: "I  made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like  yours and I'll have enough parts for another  one."

---

The  German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are  renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only  expect one to know one's gate parking location, but  how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)  listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt  ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign  Speedbird 206.

Speedbird  206:

"   Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active  runway."

Ground: "Speedbird  206. Taxi to gate Alpha  One-Seven."
The  BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a  stop.

Ground:

"Speedbird,  do you not know where you are  going?"

Speedbird  206:

"Stand  by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location  now."

Ground  (with quite arrogant  impatience):

"Speedbird  206, have you not been to Frankfurt  before?"

Speedbird  206 (coolly): "Yes,  twice in 1944, but it was dark --  and  I didn't  land."

---

While  taxiing at London '

s Airport,  the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft.  Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose  with a United 727..
An  irate female ground controller lashed out at the US  Air crew, screaming: "US  Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you  to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right  on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult  for you to tell the difference between C and D, but  get it right!"

Continuing  her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now  shouting hysterically:

"God!  Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever  to sort this out! You stay right there and don't  move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive  taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want  you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,  and how I tell you! You got that, US Air  2771?"

"Yes, ma'am,"  the  humbled crew responded.
Naturally,  the ground control communications frequency fell  terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air  2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate  ground controller in her current state of mind.  Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was  definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot  broke the silence and keyed his microphone,  asking: 

"Wasn't  I married to you  once?"