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Friday 26 February 2010

Advanced Trolling.

I gave you Trolling for Beginners a while back so I thought it was time for the more advanced session.

If you've forgotten the basics then please go and read up. You may have a test at the end.



Let's Ruin Someone's Day – Advanced Trolling

Phew! There is no moderate trolling section! That's because your path to Internet infamy is as easy as feeding a kitten to a rottweiler. From here on in it's advanced trolling all the way – but don't worry. You still don't need any thought, intelligence or consideration to win the attention that you so richly deserve. Just that Internet connection.

Hopefully by now you'll have found a forum that's populated by people who on the outside seem sane, welcoming and forgiving. Don't be fooled! You'll be able to get some attention here, and the challenge will make it all seem worthwhile. Pick yourself a username and get ready to post. Don't rush in with threats of kitten murder straight away though, you'll need to integrate yourself into the community. Ignore your egotistical urges, and attempt to be sane and reasonable. Make notes of anything that the community seem to agree on – especially with regards to politics or religion. Then, after a month or so, it's time to reveal yourself.

Fire up a new thread, with an intriguing question for a title – something like Can there be world peace without building an altar to the Kitten-Eating Rottweiler Dog? You now have to argue vehemently that unbridled worship of a fearsome canine figure is key to solving any and all problems in the world. Don't worry about paltry facts, evidence or punctuation – just post the same statements over and over again. By now, those sane and welcoming people will be so riled up that you should have dozens, if not hundreds of replies.

Now's the time to step it up a gear. Rinse and repeat with a similar thread – something like Get Ready, the Kitten-Eating Rottweiler Dog is coming! Again, echo the same unwavering beliefs that your baseless, factless, tactless argument is the most important thing in the universe. Repeat this over three or four more threads and you'll have accrued thousands of responses, and those sane and welcoming people will be hurling vitriol at their screens.

Well done – you are now a fully-fledged Internet troll, and you've managed to ruin the days of a handful of complete strangers. Even more importantly, you're now infamous!

Now dust yourself off, go outside, make some friends and do something constructive with your life.

1 Please note: If your dictionary search results in an obscure word such as 'parvanimity', you should probably pick a new one. And learn to appreciate irony.

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