I seem to be getting the shitty end of the stick at the moment.
Three weeks ago I succumbed to a bout of Norovirus.
Ten days ago I came down with a bad bout of the flue. I’m just recovering now.
Two days ago I buggered my back. I keep moving around the house muttering Ouch Ouch.
What else can happen in the run up to Christmas?
Of course I may be saved from any more misery if the end of the world happens next Friday, as supposedly prophesied in the Mayan calendar.
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Johnny
* *
Dear Little Johnny,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the Naughty vs. Nice contract set by you, I might add I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Little Johnny
* *
Little Johnny,
While I have acknowledged you have met the nice criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and were gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe.He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino pizza roll all over the carpet of your moms basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
little Johnny
* *
Little Johnny,
That’s what I thought you little bastard.
Santa
From an Engineer’s perspective.
I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th. of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting toilet stops or Starbuck breaks (Just to be topical), means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a leisurely 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the flying reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
IV. 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance. This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion Joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vapourised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in a milli-second, would be subjected to forces of 17,500 Gs. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
Just saying. I tried this on my kids and they just produced formulae stating that due to quantum mechanics and string theory, my thesis was flawed. I’ve yet to be convinced.
My argument is “Why should kids in their thirties expect a stocking from me”?
Their reply:
“ Cos You’re my Dad”
Bastards.
Kind regards
The Filthy Scrooge Engineer
Well, early winter to be exact.
I live in an old house and over the last few years where we have suffered lower temperatures in the past (Global warming anyone?), I have always wondered why downstairs has a poor heat balance, even though I changed the positions of the radiators. The sitting room would be warm but the kitchen would be a tad chilly.
Over the last few years I’ve draught proofed just about everything in the house that could be draught proofed.
It wasn’t till I went to my daughters newly purchased house that I realised the elephant in the room. They had boarded up their fireplace.1
On getting home I held a sheet of the Guardian newspaper* against the fireplace opening and nearly had it ripped out of my grasp by the updraft. It’s a good thing I hadn’t given the job to an infant chimneysweep.
The upshot is that I bought a device like a balloon that you partially inflate, stuff it up the chimney and then fully inflate. It was noticeably different almost immediately. Everywhere is now warm quickly, with no draughts.
There was a couple of problems with the device, you need at least three hands to fit it and one more to hold the inflation tube.
You need to work how much partial inflation is required to begin with, otherwise it won’t go up the flue or it will fall out while you’re trying to blow it up to full pressure.
And you do need to check that it is not deflating, and pump up as required
However if we do get arctic conditions next week it will be removed, as there’s nothing better than sitting in front of a log fire.
* It was actually the Telegraph. The Guardian is only fit for emergency toilet paper.
1 And I call myself an engineer. 0/10 FAIL.
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