That Climate change advert.

A slight twist. Oh and how can that dear cherub have such a foul mouth?

Saturday light entertainment

I'm bored but you don't need to be:

One Liners

    

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.
They asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
---
Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations"
but none of them rub your d1ck and say "well done"?
---
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything.
I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"
---
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked.
"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"
---
My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw.
It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.
---
Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!!

Personally I think its bollocks!!
---
They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.
After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!
---
What's the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a rucksack?
The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.
---
Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"
"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."
---
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"
---
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big
blue hair."

I think I've just broken every rule in the PC book. If my blog goes off line unexpectedly..............................

Spin the bottle

An excellent article over at the devil's Kitchen, penned by the Filthy Smoker.

It's all about the debate on minimum pricing for Alcohol.

 

Go and read it. Den of liars

Keystone cops anyone?

You really couldn't make it up.

It would appear that Thames valley Police are even more incompetant than their Home Office rating of "poor".

Maybe their could be a level of "Abysmal" added?

Officers were alerted to an armed raid at a Lloyds TSB branch in Henley-on-Thames, South Oxon, but instead scrambled to another bank more than 14 miles away in a different county.

Meanwhile, the armed thief walked out of the bank with tens of thousands of pounds.

"It's not us. It was the alarms fault Guv".

Thames Valley Police chiefs said an automatic alarm had sent officers to the branch in Pangbourne, Berks.

Come on. Pull the other leg it's got bells on.

Police are appealing for any information about the robber, who is described as Asian, about 30 years of age and 5ft 8ins tall.

At least they have given up being politically correct by naming the robber's ethnicity.

 

The whole story is from The Telegraph

From a publication that knows it how it was.

I was pointed to a well known publication and read an article that summed up the condition of the EU.

Take this little bit.

Take “human dignity,” for instance. As a result of the benefits Neoliberal Capitalism has been showering on Europe since the fall of the Berlin Wall, by day the streets of most European cities have become a living room for increasing numbers of homeless. At night these streets are transformed into open-air bedrooms, with the homeless making themselves comfortable on mattresses made out of flattened cardboard boxes. The streets seamlessly convert into dining rooms whenever the homeless are hungry. Then they go about scavenging for leftovers among the rubbish in dustbins and garbage containers.

And finally it finishes with:

All talk about human dignity, physical and mental integrity, and liberty and security of person is empty. It is empty because the security of the state (the EU and its member states) is deemed to have priority. You can find proof in the Lisbon Treaty, Title II, article 67:2 “ The Union shall endeavour to ensure a high level of security through measures to prevent and combat crime, racism and xenophobia, and through measures for coordination and cooperation between police and judicial authorities and other competent authorities, as well as through the mutual recognition of judgments in criminal matters and, if necessary, through the approximation of criminal laws.” The clause seems bland, but it means state security (however defined) takes precedence over the rights of individuals.

Have a guess at which national Newspaper this is from.

If you haven't worked it out then look here.

 

H/T to

Uncle bill

Face/Palm

 

It really is time to end the BBC license fee, if this is the way they throw it away.

The BBC has lavished thousands of pounds teaching staff how to learn to use social networking site Facebook, despite its simplicity.

The corporation has been holding day long classes called Making The Web Work For You, for large numbers of its 23,000 workforce.

I'm sure that if a private company wasted it's money like this, the shareholders would be baying for the directors blood. If those at the Beeb are to thick to find out how to use something that a child manages easily. Then they should be fired.

One worker said: 'We're meant to be belt-tightening. It is an astonishing waste of money. Teenagers who can barely read or write have managed to teach themselves.'

Others have pointed out that most BBC staff already know how to use these sites.

Mind you it does reflect in some of the dross they produce.

Lastly, comes the justification.

Yesterday the BBC defended the web courses. It claimed the courses helped journalists to 'develop effective and comprehensive internet research and social media skills'.

*Head/Desk*

Read it here if you must. I'm losing the will to live (Again).

ASH sets the Budget

 

It's really all about the money isn't it. This little snippet from the ASH site.

We also believe that the Government should, in addition, increase tobacco prices this year by 5% above the projected rate of inflation through taxation. The attached report for ASH models the impact both in terms of the impact on public finances and economic benefit from such a tax increase and finds that government revenues will increase by over £500 million a year, amounting to £2.6 billion over five years. These benefits arise from the following revenue streams set out in the table below:

Increased revenue from tobacco taxation;

Reductions in healthcare costs;

Increased tax receipts from additional years of working life;

Increased tax receipts from reduced absenteeism;

Reduced spending on benefits relating on benefits related to sickness and disability; taking into account

Increased spending on state benefits for retired people.

Here is the link. Don't go there if you have high blood pressure.

Insufferable prigs

CUNTS

Nick Hogan case picked up by the MSM

They really are a bit slow. Do keep up.

 

Freedom arrived earlier than expected for smoking ban martyr Nick Hogan yesterday... courtesy of a briefcase full of cash carried by a man in a green Guy Fawkes mask.

Former pub landlord Mr Hogan became the first person to be jailed in connection with the smoking ban when he was sentenced to six months for refusing to pay a fine imposed for flouting the legislation.

His plight inspired a campaign on the internet to raise funds to pay off his outstanding fines.

It reached its climax yesterday (national no-smoking day, no less) when a mysterious blogger called Old Holborn delivered the money to Forest Bank prison in Salford - 11 days into Mr Hogan's sentence.

The arrival of the self-styled ' libertarian vigilante' at the Category B prison in his mask, full black costume and hat left other visitors amused or bewildered.

In the prison car park, Old Holborn, who wore his costume to hide his identity, flipped open the metal case to reveal enough bundles of used fivers and tenners to pay the £8,445.15 needed to secure 43-year-old Mr Hogan's release.

 

Source

Nick Hogan is free!

Today Nick Hogan was released.

See the full account at Old Holborns Blog

Thankyou to Old Holborn and Anna Raccoon for making it happen.

And also a hearty thanks to all of you who contributed to his release.

Original story here

The Mathematics of Queuing

 

It is not certain when queues were invented, or by whom, but it is most likely to have been an Englishman of some description who originally laid down the foundations of this great art.

While on the surface a queue might just seem like a line of bored people, it is only when you delve deeper into the physics behind a queue that the true magic makes itself apparent.

The point of queuing varies with different countries, people and climates, although it is fair to say that the main point of a queue is to stand still for as long as possible without either:

1. Talking to yourself,
2. Letting anyone in front of you, or
3. Quitting the queue altogether.

It can be seen, with a little observation, that each individual has a different tolerance level to queuing. A rough estimate for how long, in minutes, someone is likely to wait in a queue without having an emotional breakdown can be expressed in terms of the following formula:

T[breakdown] = 3 ( T[sigh] + (5 x Q[behind]) - (2 x Q[infront]) ) x I

where T[sigh] is the time in minutes the subject will stand on his/her own at a bus-stop before sighing, Q[behind] is the number of people behind the subject in the queue, and Q[infront] is the number of people in front of the subject in the queue. I is known as the 'Interest Factor' and changes depending on the reason for the queue being there in the first place. For instance, the Interest Factor for something as interesting as the British Crown Jewels is 5.23; whereas for something like Hand Crafted Sheep Dung, it is 0.0057. The index value is that of a bus, which is set at 1.00.

There is, of course, another side to queuing, which has not yet been mentioned, and that is the art of 'Ritual Queuing'. It is a pastime practiced little outside England, but in the land of hope and glory it is something of a national institution with people 'above a certain age'. There is no real reason behind Ritual Queuing apart from the queuing itself. The optimum times for Ritual Queuing are weekdays from 10 am to 2 pm, where hordes of old ladies can be seen practicing the art at bus stops in every town and village in the land.

This is not the end of the story though. Whereas in England queuing is a sanctimonious pastime that should not be mocked or taken lightly, the Americans have adapted the art form, added a musical score and created Line dancing, which is the art of forming queues in time to music.