My computer got into a state.

Solid state that is.

My last computer woes began with a failing conventional hard drive. So what did I do? I bought a 750 gigabyte solid state drive to replace the failing drive.

I was a fool.

Even though it had a three year manufacturer’s warranty.

The bloody thing lasted less than six months and died a sudden death taking most of my data with it.

The one bright side of the story is that I contacted the retailer, Amazon, by secure mail this morning and had a reply two hours later. They are sending a courier to collect it, and I should get a full refund in two or three days. Well done that company.

The new computer is now up and running even though I spent several days trying to set up Mrs FE’s Email account. I don’t know why I bother as she never reads her mail anyway.

I’m here to help.

The phone rang this afternoon and Mrs FE answered it. A few minutes later Mrs FE poked her head round the door of the office and handed the phone  to me with a concerned look on her face.

On taking it from her I wondered if the call was from the police, re-payment of PPI, I’d won the lottery, of from one of the kids.

But no, this was the man from Microsoft who proceeded to tell me that they had been monitoring my computer and that it had multiple problems. The conversation goes something like this:

Microsoft engineer (MSE)

“We have been monitoring your computer and can see that it has many problems” (not an American or British accent).

Filthy Engineer (FE)

“Oh dear what can I do?” (Attempting to purvey a note of worry in my voice).

MSE

“You need to follow my instructions”

FE

“OK”

MSE

“Can you see a logo of MS on the left of the screen?”

FE

“What does it look like?”

MSE

“It looks like a flag with four colours in a circle.

FE

“All I can see is the date and time.”

MSE

“The LEFT hand side of the screen”.

FE

“Sorry. I see it now, what should I do?”

MSE

“Click on it”

FE

“OK” (click)

MSE

“Do you see a menu?”

FE

(Short pause to light up a ciggie and add a bit of tension to the unfolding drama) “Yes”

MSE

“Can you  see a small box under the phrase “All programs”?”

FE

“Yes”

MSE

“I want you to type in m.s.c.o.n.f.i.g.”

FE

(After pretending to misspell it several times I finally affirmed that I had typed it in).

MSE

“Press enter and tell me what you see?”

FE

“A box with Msconfig in it”

MSE

“just click on it”

FE

“I’ve done that

MSE

“What do you see?”

FE

“Program not responding.”

(This is what was actually up on my screen and what he was expecting)

MSE

Silence for a few seconds

“I think we need to start again by rebooting your computer”

FE

“How do I do that?”

As most astute readers will know this is a scam to catch the unwary and deliver a trojan into your computer which will give you the idea that your machine is inflicted with all manner of nasties. What they will then do is sell useless software that purports to save your computer from eternal damnation..

I enjoyed every minute of the time on the phone with him. We must have jointly started the computer at least 8 times whilst trying to rectify the faults. Such as: “It’s loading updates from your company”, “the mouse isn’t working”, “how do you spell mscongig again?”.

Oh please let a Nigerian 419 scammer phone me.

Silly me.

At the moment this computer I’m writing my usual drivel on is situated on a table in the kitchen. This is because Mrs FE doesn’t like the sound of keys clicking and me swearing at the monitor, whilst she’s watching the X Factor. ( personally I think my screaming sounds better than any of the X Factor contestants).

However the computer has to be re-sited elsewhere as Mrs FE wants one of those big American fridges to take it’s place. A new venue has been found in a small bedroom, but a new desk will be required.

I’ve just spent an inordinately length of time scouring the internet for a suitable table to fit in the space allotted and was up to page 32 on  Amazon and beginning to despair at finding one suitable for my needs.

You’re probably wondering why that should be a problem? The answer is I was trying to find one with a shelf to hold my rather large printer. Could I find one with a suitable shelf? Yes of course I could, but I’m not paying £450 fucking quid for a desk!

Just in case I might find one eventually with a shelf I decided to measure the dimensions of the printer. Immediately I realised what a fuckwit I was. On top of this new printer was a small glowing blue icon in the form of a transmitting antenna. I’d completely forgotten that this new printer was WiFI and therefore doesn’t need to be near the computer at all.

Mind you Mrs FE and myself will never agree where the printer will have to be sited. (I wonder if it’ll fit on top of the fridge freezer?)

A plus side as pointed out by my kids and their partners. is the existing larder fridge can now become a dedicated ready use beer fridge.

I’ll drink to that.

Virus

I don’t think that the owner has really read the handbook.

Bloody windows. AGAIN!!!

Some while ago I regaled you with problems involving windows seven on my laptop. This story is an even worse state of affairs. My desktop that I usually use has a 64 bit operating system, supposedly better and faster.

Bollocks

Yesterday it refused to connect to the internet. It recognised my router but decided that it would fail to go any further.

After a search on the laptop, which is 32 bit system, and had no problem connecting, the hunt for a solution begun.

In the end I ended up on a windows seven forum and that’s where the fun and games begun. Apparently it is a well known problem with the 64 bit system in windows 7. The services used to enable the computer to enable the internet somehow become switched off or disabled.

When you enter the services area of the computer you’re given a list of about 200 services of which 2 are major players in internet connection.

At first you think that just to set them to auto, shut  down the computer, reset, and bob’s your uncle.

No not so simple. each of the services has to rely on being connected to other services or the system will not work.

As it’s the Christmas season coming up. This is the analogy.

Imagine that you have a large christmas tree with 200 lights. Imagine that every light has to connect with five others in a seemingly random order before the lights will illuminate. I was the man connecting them today.

However after all day, and pages of scribblings the desktop is now communicating.

And No, system restore didn’t work.

Time to find another operating system. 

Computing

I’m sure this dialogue box is somewhere in my computer.

Bloody computers

A while ago I decided to drag out my reserve computer. The laptop.

I noticed that there was 84 security updated from Microsoft pending, and being a gullible, but trusting fool, decided to download them. Now that was a mistake too far. As any of you who have windows know, once they’re downloaded you are asked to shut down the computer in order for them to take effect.
So I did and the machine shut down and then restarted. Followed shortly with the message “Windows is installing new updates” Great.

Well, not really. That same message was still being displayed after 42 hours. Didn’t matter how I rebooted the laptop the same still happened. Nothing I tried would persuade this piece of devil’s spawn from doing anything else.

Solution. Reload the operating system, in this case Windows 7.

Now you have two options when installing windows 7. Clean install, or Upgrade. Clean install is more efficient but you lose all your data. Upgrade will keep your data but not as efficient at operating.
Upgrade was the chosen option in this case and after several hours of hard drive working, the classical message of “Installation complete, windows needs to shut down and restart for completion”. (Or some such).
So be it. That’s how you carry out an upgrade install.

Wrong.

What did I see on my desktop? Nothing but a recycle bin!
Everything gone.

Now I do have a back up of important documents, so that wasn’t a problem, but the lack of word processor and other useful programmes is a bit of a handicap.

So I thought I would just download Open Office, Anti Virus software, and anything else I would need.

Wrong again.

No WiFi.

Bastards.

After a lot of asking around I managed to download by using the desktop computer, a programme that might, or might not, be able to get the wiFi operating on the laptop.

Now of course you’re expecting a tale of woe in that it didn’t work. Much to my amazement it did work.

However I have another dilemma. At the moment I’m at my son’s place having just helped him break out of his prison cell Isolation ward. I installed Ubuntu as a second operating system some while ago and want to get rid of it as this laptop is running out of available space. Having looked at all the online articles about ,removing said programme I think I’ll play safe and wait till I’m within striking distance of my Windows seven disk. As they say. Once bitten twice shy.

Tomorrow I go home.

By the deathbed stands the heir apparent trying to retrieve the last secrets of the realm.

Well not really. It’s just that I bought a new computer to usurp the tasks of the wheezing gas bag that’s  on it’s last legs.

The part I hate about buying a new computer is trying to transfer as much as possible from the old one.

I’ve just spent all afternoon and still seem to be getting nowhere. It doesn’t help that the young pretender refuses to connect to my router. It knows it’s there but refuses to accept the Pin or password. I’ve had to resort to my PAYG dongle which is a tad slow, in order to connect to the web.

Thank god for a portable hard drive.

Well I’m going to put my nose to the grindstone and press on with the transfer.

Don’t talk behind my back.

It’s dying

That is my faithful desktop PC. Before I went to help the boy out with his Radiotherapy, I was having serious doubts about the sanity of my old faithful friend. It spent far too much time whirring it’s hard drive for little purpose. When I got back I was informed by Mrs FE that the simple startup repair which should only take an hour or so, had taken two days.

It got even worse when I shut it down. It wouldn’t even run in safe mode. (Lazy Bastard). I’ve spent all sorts attempts to try and get it up and running today. It feels like a Mongoose via a snake. Some rounds one wins, sometimes the other.

I’m up and running now, but for how long? I think it is the hard drive that is failing, (17,400 disk errors) so I’m frantically trying to export important data to a portable hard drive.

I’m just going to have to bite the bullet, and buy a new computer.

Farewell trusted friend. May you live in peace in landfill.

Alternative computer repair

You don’t even need a screwdriver.

Much loved by those of the green persuasion

If computer problems were real.

 

Computers.

A while ago I decided to drag out my reserve computer. The laptop.

I noticed that there was 84 security updated from Microsoft pending, and being a gullible, but trusting fool, decided to download them. Now that was a mistake too far. As any of you who have windows know, once they’re downloaded you are asked to shut down the computer in order for them to take effect.

So I did and the machine shut down and then restarted. Followed shortly with the message “Windows is installing new updates” Great.

Well, not really. That same message was still being displayed after 42 hours. Didn’t matter how I rebooted the laptop the same still happened. Nothing I tried would persuade this piece of devil’s spawn from doing anything else.

Solution. Reload the operating system, in this case Windows 7.

Now you have two options when installing windows 7. Clean install, or Upgrade. Clean install is more efficient but you lose all your data. Upgrade will keep your data but not as efficient at operating.

Upgrade was the chosen option in this case and after several hours of hard drive working, the classical message of “Installation complete, windows needs to shut down and restart for completion”. (Or some such).

So be it. That’s how you carry out an upgrade install.

Wrong.

What did I see on my desktop? Nothing but a recycle bin!

Everything gone.

Now I do have a back up of important documents, so that wasn’t a problem, but the lack of word processor and other useful programmes is a bit of a handicap.

So I thought I would just download Open Office, Anti Virus software, and anything else I would need.

Wrong again.

No WiFi. Bastards.

After a lot of asking around I managed to download by using the desktop computer, a programme that might, or might not, be able to get the wiFi operating on the laptop.

Now of course you’re expecting a tale of woe in that it didn’t work. Much to my amazement it did work.

However I have another dilemma. At the moment I’m at my son’s place having just helped him break out of his prison cell Isolation ward. I installed Ubuntu as a second operating system some while ago and want to get rid of it as this laptop is running out of available space. Having looked at all the online articles about ,removing said  programme I think I’ll play safe and wait till I’m within striking distance of my Windows seven disk. As they say. Once bitten twice shy.

Tomorrow I go home.

Computer poetry for us oldies

This is modern computer poetry. FE started with a ZX81.

A computer was something on TV
From a science-fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch Floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead

Computer support

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a  distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the  flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as  Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs  such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer
runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to  fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed, Desperate
...................................................
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband  is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved  Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as  designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery  and Flowers, but remember, overuse of the above application can cause  Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very  bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the  background that will eventually seize control of all your system  resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are  unsupported applications and will crash Husband.
In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and  cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running  one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to  improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

That's my money you're giving away.

 

Another Iniative:

A secondary school has become the first in Britain to issue every pupil with a personal laptop they can use at home.

All 1,400 students at Writhlington School have been given a Dell Netbook worth £400 which they use in lessons and take home with them.

It's bad enough that they're giving them away for free. Another is that they could have purchased the laptops considerably cheaper elsewhere. See here for example.

Of course they won't be used for logging onto Facebook or Bebo I trust.

I liked this though:

Their laptops are automatically backed-up on the school's main hard drives every time they are connected to the network.

I wonder what the IT department are going to find when they delve in to their server. Expect it to be full of Porn, viruses, and malware.

 

Source

Aaaargh. Euthanasia for the computer illiterates.

Will relations and friends of mine please get into the computer era? If as a pensioner, I can find my way round a computer, why can't you?

I seem to spend half my life these days on the phone trying to sort out computer problems of people at least a decade or two younger than me.

The usual excuse is "No-one taught me". Well to these Luddites, my reply is. "No-one taught me either".

I've just spent two hours on the phone trying to sort out why this Fuckwit relation couldn't access her Hotmail. In the end, after accessing it for her, I finally convinced her to open a new one. Mind you that was a saga in itself. (Mind you I must admit I found her dating habits on the old site a tad interesting).

Why can't people try and learn about new technology, rather than expect others to sort it out for them.

Then of course the explanation is:

She's a Teacher and votes Labour. Nuff said

Why do computers crash at the worst time?

Or for that matter, why does a paper jam happen in your printer when you're hurrying to catch the last post?

Another cat on a puter

I may be sometime.

Just changing service provider. Should be simple I thought. Oh No!

The ISP doesn't recognise Windows 7.

Grrrrrrh.

Microsoft and cars

I don't know how true this is.


At a recent computer conference (COMDEX) Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft, is reported to have compared the computer industry with the auto industry: "If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has," he said, "we would all be driving 25-dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response, General Motors have issued the following press release …

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1 For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash … twice a day

2 Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car

3 Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this

4 Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine

5 Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads

6 The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light

7 The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying

8 Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna

9 Every time a new car was introduced. car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car

10 You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off

Thanks to the grumpy old sod for this.