Family Motto: Spero meliora. (Loosely translated as, "I hope for better things")
And if you don't like bad language, then bugger off.
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I usually post several times a day about differing subjects. Do scroll down
Hundreds of council workers were duped into taking part in a fake nationwide Health and Safety survey about accidents caused by biscuits
.
It gets better
Four councils were so taken in by the official-looking 'British Biscuit Advisory Board' survey they reported having specific policy rules on safe biscuit consumption.
and better
A total of 813 over-cautious council employees clicked through to the online survey and 437 worried workers actually took the time to complete it.
Then again maybe not
The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents revealed the most recent figures show that 400 people a year in Britain had to be treated in Accident and Emergency departments for biscuit-related accidents.
These included 'somebody falling over while reaching for a biscuit', someone slipping on a chocolate biscuit on their stairs and various people choking on biscuits.
One woman had to be treated after she used a knife to try to remove a Smartie from a gingerbread biscuit and stabbed herself in the hand.
I really must stop laughing. Read the full story here.
A sexually explicit illustrated Book of Genesis by controversial artist Robert Crumb, which features Bible characters having intercourse, has been condemned by religious groups.
I don't want to sound alarmist, but having watched the vid below, it would seem that we haven't sleepwalked into a surveillance state. We've run into it.
Reading the local Police propaganda leaflet that was shoved through the door this morning, I see that they are arming local members of the public with video cameras to monitor the traffic, in the interests of safety. Bloody Bollocks to them.
Something perplexing is about to happen at our airports. At Manchester Airport they're trying out a machine that allows the operator to examine the naked images of passengers. Some people think it's disgusting, others are embarrassed. Some are happy that it's there to protect them, but some people will believe anything. No doubt there were a few Jews who thought that arbeit really would make them frei.
Many people will no doubt be pleased that there is an option of being "patted down" for bombs and weapons in the old-fashioned way, but of course we all know that if the trial is considered a success that option will soon disappear. Actually, it'll probably disappear even if the trial is not a success, because it'll save money. One operator sitting on front of a screen costs less than two or three outside interacting with the public. From there it's just a short step to the idea that as terrorists have been known to blow up buses and trains, they should have these machines at stations and bus-stops too. In fact, why not install them all over the place, hidden in walls and doorways in shops and offices and the street? After all, it's to protect us, isn't it, so how can we object?
Mind you, I don't envy that operator at Manchester Airport, slumped over a screen all day looking at grainy images of fat men's hairy bollocks and saggy old tits. But - and here's the perplexing part - what no one's mentioned so far is that his day will be enlivened from time to time by images you don't see very often.
Muslim ladies in burkhas, for instance, will suddenly be revealed in all their ... whatever it is they keep under their robes. What would the Prophet say about that?
And then there are the children. Anyone else looking at images of naked children is a disgusting pervert, fit only for a single cell on the special wing with all the other nonces. But this is different, presumably.
There seems to be some sort of arcane pecking order at work here. Anti-terrorism trumps cultural sensitivity and paedophilia, is that it?
It would seem that Justice is a word for the rich and unprincipled. This story about a lorry driver being convicted on the word of an EHO Fascist, and a judiciary that have lost their fucking minds. (Sorry about the swearing)
An amazing lucky escape of a Toddler in a buggy. The Mother let go of the buggy on a station platform in Melbourne. You can guess the rest, but have a look at the footage.
These are, of course, renowned the world over as places to get to know the local people. To ensure a pleasant evening's drinking, follow these tips:
Select your pub carefully. The best pubs are those in the inner cities, around some of the least salubrious housing. The people here cannot afford to go out, so pubs in these districts are full of upper-crust Englishmen who travel here in their Bentley cars to get away from the hustle and bustle of country pubs.
Mix with the locals. These "toffs" often put on a coarse accent after a glass or two of beer; do not be intimidated, they are resting their throats after talking "posh" all day. They will be glad to play Eton college word-games: "Get Up, That's My Seat", "You look a puff-to-me!" and "Is-she-for sale?" Call out one of these games to any large chap, and have fun.
Order your drinks carefully. Bartenders are notoriously dishonest (indeed, they are proud of this tradition, and enjoy having their "leg pulled"). If you order a spirit drink, they will pour a little into your glass; insist on it being topped up to the brim. When tasting your first sip of beer, exclaim that there must be water in it. They will admire you for your candour, and will offer to buy you a drink "on the house". Pubs that sell "real ale" are attempting to emulate Budweiser beer; let the landlord know where he is going wrong. He will be very grateful for advice from an American.
"Darts" is a common pub game. Your opponent will throw darts at the circular board - your object is to pull them out faster than he can throw them. If you see a game in progress, reserve your place by rubbing out all the numbers on the blackboard.
It is common to find pool tables in pubs. Beware, they are not playing to American rules! To join a game of pool already in progress, simply pick up one of the cues provided, walk to the table, and quickly cue the black ball into the nearest pocket. You are now in the game. The object is to pot all your balls as quickly as possible without disturbing the white. Don't be disheartened if you miss a shot; quickly move on to the next. You score extra points for "blocking" your opponent's attempts to shoot, using your hands.
Remember that free snacks, such as crisps and peanuts, are kept behind the bar to retain freshness. For goodness' sake, don't let them "rip you off" by demanding money!
At about 11 o'clock, it is traditional for the barpeople to call the game of "time", leave their posts and wander around the pub, shouting at people. Do not be alarmed - they may sound like they want you to leave, but in fact the reverse is the case. English pubs close after dawn, and the staff are shouting to stimulate drinkers to continue spending their money. The object of this game is to remain where you are! To ensure you don't get thirsty during this period, buy a few rounds just before 11 o'clock (it's a slow time for the staff, so use this opportunity to chat). Drink slowly. You'll have ample opportunity to catch up when the barman returns to his post.
When you do leave the pub, you are likely to find a small crowd of happy revellers outside, singing traditional songs as they await their chauffeurs. This is known as "chucking-out time" The ladies in these crowds are sad and lonely; why not ask the male chaperones if their lady friends would like to come back to your hotel? Offer to make them very happy. The men will probably ask you to discuss the pedigree of their charges in the privacy of the pub car park.
