Google analytics

Friday, 16 September 2011

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

· A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bin, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

· Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never  met  before,
But who were both married to other people
,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a trans-continental  train.

 

train

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very  tired  and
fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth
and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned  down and gently woke
the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm  sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a  second  blanket?  I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight,
let's pretend  that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"'Good", she replied "Get  your own f….ing  blanket."
After a moment of  silence, he  farted.

The   End

H/T to David

Thursday, 15 September 2011

Wet celery. Oh dear

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says "Hello!"

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper
from the bachelor party that I had wild sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher!

Drinkaware

Your favourite tipples from around the world.

alcohol-world

Just a little experiment to see who actually googles the Drinkaware website

My fat Public service pension

I listened to the whining yesterday from the public sector unions about how they were being subjected in the future to massive increases in their pension payments. Of course they wheeled on a poor downtrodden teacher who intimated that she would have to pay another £200 per month into her pension. Absolute rot.

I should know how much the cost would be, as actually I’m in  receipt of one of those civil service pensions. (I’m glad I got that out of the way, and I would appreciate it if you didn’t storm FE towers calling for my immediate burning at the stake).

This teacher must be on a very high salary, by my calculations about £90,000 if the 3% rise in contributions is implemented.

What strikes me about these muppets is that they have no idea how featherbedded they are. A maximum of a 43 hour week, 30 days holiday per year, (Ooodles more if you’re a teacher) and almost no possibility of the sack.  (I should know. It took me two years before I managed to get rid of a complete incompetent).

I’ve worked alongside civil servants in the Ministry of Defence and it was like living in parallel universes. They had a strict hours regime of 43 hours per week. Mine were in the region of 54 at the least, just to keep the ships I was looking after, functioning at the basic level. In fact when on-board said ships my weekly hours were regularly 70  or more.

What made matters worse, was the attitude of these servants of the crown. It was an attitude that had no recognition that they, by their laissez faire working, they might actually be prejudicing peoples lives.

 

regards

A suckler on the teat of the crown.

*Note to self. Re-inforce the doors.

PS. I presume that when all these “public servants” go on strike, I’ll be able to claim back some of my council tax for services not rendered.

Fuck me I’ve just seen a squadron of flying pigs overhead.

Muppets

Yesterday I sent this E mail to my council

Dear Sir/ Madam
Please supply information on the number of Summonses and Liability Orders issued by the Council in respect of Council Tax, for each of the financial years since April 1992 to the present, itemised separately by year and document type, and the total sums charged for each year, again itemised separately by year and document type.

Yours Faithfully


The Filthy Engineer

This is the reply I received this morning.

Dear Luke

Thank you for your email regarding data for your coursework.

I have forwarded your email to the Freedom of Information department, in order that they can respond to your enquiry.

For further information regarding this enquiry please contact the department directly, their contact details are:- freedomofinformation@kent.gov.uk

Kind regards

Hilary

Customer Service Advisor

For a start my name is not Luke and I’d like to know what course I’m supposed to be doing.

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Cows and global warming. The game’s afoot.

I gather Al Gore, High priest of AGW, is calling for all us to make this a day of action on climate change.

I think you will prefer this instead.

The Collegians For A Constructive Tomorrow call for a day of genuine “climate realism,” instead. CFACT Collegians are responding with a bit of online levity.

CFACT’s Methane Madness game trains online players to help “Pal Gore” control the climate by corking cows and watching them float away. Methane is more potent than CO2 as a greenhouse gas but less than 1% of atmospheric greenhouse gases come from cattle. Even so, radical climate campaigners call for shutting down our cattle and dairy industries, along with much of the rest our economy. They’d even like us to go vegan.

So I give you this courtesy of WUWT.

 

Methane Madness or kill them darn cows.

Much more fun in my opinion.

The latest Game show

Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition of 'ASYLUM'.

Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition: HIJACK AN AIRLINER and win A COUNCIL HOUSE !
We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor, The British Taxpayer.

And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.
Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British Passport, and you only need one word of English: ASYLUM'

Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging, burgling, and accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.
No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password: 'ASYLUM'

A few years ago, 140 members of a Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel. They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain .......
Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area, in Historic Bedfordshire.

If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget, there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience
Just apply for legal aid. Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help – FREE. It won't cost you a penny. It could change your life forever. So play today.

Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil Tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...the list is endless

EVERYONE IS WELCOME - INCLUDING ALL YOUR OWN WIVES AND CHILDREN
COME ON DOWN !
Get along to the airport ! Get along to the lorry park !
Get along to the ferry terminal ! Don't stop in Germany or France ! All European countries will willingly speed you on your way !
Come straight to Britain
And you are:
**** GUARANTEED ****
to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth. Everyone's a winner, when they play

'ASYLUM'

I don’t think our politicians have been watching it though.

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Bastards

I  had a cheap Nissan Micra as a second car. This car was used to get my son through his driving test and subsequently was used by him to travel to work.

The long and short of it was, that the little run around, became terminally ill, and my son decided to buy another car and decided to insure it in his own name, He needed to build up a  no claims bonus.

All well and good you might say.

Bollocks.

I rang the insurance company that purported to to be customer friendly and asked to cancel the insurance. Of course I could, said the semi trained English language graduate(Reading from a script). However I would have to pay a cancellation fee of £50.

I’ve also got to send back the insurance certificate. As far as I’m concerned the £50 entitles me to that piece of paper.

Still being a law abiding member of the public , I shall send it back to them.

1. Large Jiffy bag

2. Certificate will be shredded in the name of security

3. Just in case terrorists might try to intercept and use it, the jiffy bag will be filled with 2 kg of lead sheet that I have surplus to requirements.

4. Oh dear. I forgot to pay for the postage.

 

Zurich Insurance. Don’t even think about trying to sell me any insurance , ever.

The unusual history of long established British sayings / remarks / customs etc :-

There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London , which used to have a gallows adjacent to it. Prisoners were taken to the gallows (after a fair trial of course) to be hanged. The horse-drawn dray, carting the prisoner, was accompanied by an armed guard, who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he would like ''ONE LAST DRINK''.

If he said YES, it was referred to as ONE FOR THE ROAD.

If he declined, that prisoner was ON THE WAGON.

So there you go.  Now read on ...........

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot and then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were "piss poor", but worse than that were the really poor folk, who couldn't even afford to buy a pot, they "Didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be........

Facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in May and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell a bit, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom, where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. So a piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold. (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight, then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: ''Peas pudding hot, peas pudding cold, peas pudding in the pot, nine days old''.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over they would hang up their bacon, to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "Bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around talking and ''chewing the fat''.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous!

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, while head of the house and his guests got the top, or ''The Upper Crust''.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around eating and drinking while waiting to see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of ''Holding a Wake''.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people, so they would dig up coffins, take the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realised they had been burying people alive! So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus someone could be either, ''Saved by the Bell '', or was considered a ''Dead Ringer''

And that's the truth.

Now, whoever said history was boring ! ! !

Another Public service announcement.

 

H/T to David Wheeler