Google analytics

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Out of the mouths……………………

 

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Johnny.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'

 

Then little Johnny says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Johnny replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

 

LITTLE JOHNNY ON MATHS

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies Johnny.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the fucking difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

 

LITTLE JOHNNY ON ENGLISH

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Johnny says 'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

 

LITTLE JOHNNY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Johnny.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!''

 

LITTLE JOHNNY ON GETTING OLDER

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little Johnny replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little Johnny answered, 'No, he minded his own fucking business.

7 comments:

  1. The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

    Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

    "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

    "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

    "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

    "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

    "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

    "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

    "Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

    ReplyDelete
  2. Teacher asks the class if they can think of a sentence including the word 'contagious'.

    Little Johnny volunteers: "You can get diseases that are easy to catch and so they are contagious"
    Good says the teacher.

    Little Mary is next: When my Mum laughs it seems to make everyone else laugh too, my Dad says her laugh is contagious"
    Very good says the teacher.

    "What about you" ? the teacher asks little Billy from Belfast.

    "Well" he says "Me Dad reckons the fella next door is painting his fence with a half inch brush and its going to take the contagious"

    ReplyDelete
  3. One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from.
    Amused and curious the mother replied, "Really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"
    The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thing sort of stands up, and then Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of just does stuff, and that's where babies come from!"
    Her Mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh, darling that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from, that's where jewellery comes from.

    ReplyDelete
  4. @ Gristle "..its going to take the contagious" How have I lived 55 years without coming upon that? Priceless.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Me and the missus are still laughing.

    ReplyDelete

Say what you like. I try to reply. Comments are not moderated. The author of this blog is not liable for any defamatory or illegal comments.