Oh what NOW!

Confucious he not say.

2012-02-14T22:38:00.000Z

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tyred, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night..

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

I'm away.

2012-02-12T18:17:00.000Z

I'm away visiting my son.

I’m not alone

2012-02-10T20:16:00.001Z

In my ~~belief~~, ~~religion~~, reasoning that CO2 doesn’t cause any significant warming of the planet,this man is probably going to be hounded by the high priests of climate change for his heresy.

Professor Ian Clark just does not see any evidence of oil sands contributing to global warming. That’s quite a stand to take in the face of a global environmental community that considers the development of the Canadian heavy oil industry tantamount to hastening the end of the world.
But Prof. Clark can claim to know a bit more about the science behind climate change than the average person. As a professor in the Department of Earth Sciences at the University of Ottawa, he focuses on paleoclimatology — the study of changes in climate taken on the scale of the entire history of earth — and isotope hydrology, which determines the age of ice or snow, which can help indicate climate conditions in the past.

But what sin has he has committed? His research indicates that the Earth warms before levels of CO2 rise.

However, the rise in CO2 lags the rise in temperature by about 800 years. This shows that CO2 does not play a role in the warming, and even a reinforcing role must be minor considering the lag. When the climate starts to cool, CO2 remains high, again for hundreds of years, and so plays no role in sustaining the warm climate, as the climate cools despite the high CO2.

He’ll burn in hell if the AGWers’ get their way.

Before I die

2012-02-10T13:30:00.001Z

Es ist kalt.

2012-02-09T19:28:00.001Z

After the Fukishima disaster in Japan last march the Germans, in a fit of panic, decided to shut down their nuclear power plants. (I’m not sure why, as Tsunamis don’t usually occur in the North Sea or the Baltic).

It would seem that they were a tad premature in their course of action.

BERLIN: The cold snap gripping Europe has forced Germany, which last year decided to abandon nuclear power, to restart several reactors taken off line, the daily Handelsblatt reports in its Thursday issue.
The cold related surge in electricity demand prompted Germany's network operators to call upon nuclear power plants that had been taken off line but left in reserve as a "preventative measure", a spokeswoman for Tennet, one of the operators, told the newspaper.

You have to look for news items like this. You won’t find snippets like these in the UK media. Surprisingly this article came from The Times of India.

You what!

2012-02-09T11:56:00.001Z

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist just over on his first visit to America, is in Orlando, Florida. He finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a fresh young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear. She gasps, looks at him in dismay, leaps off his lap and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the foreign gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams at him, "Good heavens ..no way!" and strides off in disgust.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no to anything. So the madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit more and she too, then sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she glares at him and screams, "No way buster", slaps him and storms off.

The madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her many years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done any bedroom work herself for a very long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. Curiosity is now eating away at her and she just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls say no and so angrily and besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson or two.

So she goes over to Hans and apologises for the failure of the previous two girls to be able to accomodate him and tells him that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits down close to him. They chat, frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap, eager to find out what deviance has spooked her previous girls. She asks him what it is he wants to do.

Hans leans forward and whispers in her ear, "I want to pay in Euros".

Green job anyone?

2012-02-08T21:06:00.001Z

Remember our politicians touting that ~~bird mincers~~ wind turbines would enable a plentiful supply of green jobs. Well if you’ve got one, expect to have to find a new one shortly, well away from anything green.

Vestas Wind Systems, the largest manufacturer of wind turbines is now feeling the crunch in the real world of economics.

Last month, the company announced it would lay off 2,335 people and it has already slashed its 2012 earnings forecasts twice.

Then again if you were stupid enough to believe in this scam. Tough. I certainly won’t weep for those who have jumped onto the green gravy train, only to find the wheels have finally fallen off. We all have choices. Some of us see, that If it looks to good to be true, then you can bet your arse that you’re going to lose out. FE’s simple law of life.

Mind Games

2012-02-08T18:37:00.001Z

2% or 98%?
This is strange...can you figure it out?
Are you the 2% or 98% of the population?
Follow the instructions!

NO PEEKING AHEAD!

* Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.
* There's no trick or surprise.
* Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!
* Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them ... really. * Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something).

Think of a number from 1 to 10

Multiply that number by 9

If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together
Now subtract 5

Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with
(example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)

Think of a country that starts with that letter

Remember the last letter of the name of that country

Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter

Remember the last letter in the name of that animal

Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter

Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange?

I told you this was FREAKY!! If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with kangaroos in Denmark when given this exercise.

Silencing Science

2012-02-07T20:09:00.001Z

An interesting article of how the science about the non effects of passive smoking by Enstrom and Kabat (2003), were suppressed by the MSM. A couple of paragraphs reproduced below.

This paper examines the silencing of science, that is, efforts to prevent the making of specific scientific claims in any or all of the arenas in which these claims are typically reported or circulated. Those trying to mute the reporting or circulation of scientific claims are termed “partisans.” The paper examines silencing through a systematic examination of the “rapid responses” to a smoking study published in the British Medical Journal claiming that second-hand smoke is not as dangerous as conventionally believed. Media
coverage of the smoking study is also examined, as is the question of whether there is self-silencing by the media regarding doubts about the negative effects of passive smoke. The results suggest that the public consensus about the negative effects of passive smoke is so strong that it has become part of a regime of truth that cannot be intelligibly questioned.

And towards the end:

Finally, we perused articles on the scientific effects of smoking. Notably, more coverage was devoted to second-hand rather than first-hand smoke. In the latter case, an interesting check of the self-silencing hypothesis comes from examining media coverage of
the possible beneficial effects of smoking. Smoking may benefit people with Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia; some forms of inflammatory bowel disease also seem to improve with smoking (e.g., Doll et al., 2000). Despite raging scientific controversies
over possible benefits, there were just a few newspaper stories on the issue. Significantly, the claims about positive effects of smoke were treated in an incredulous and mocking fashion.

All of the stories on second-hand smoke were examined, and the results revealed a strikingly one-sided discourse consistent with self-silencing by the media. Specifically, out of more than 500 articles examined, fewer than 10 afforded any sense of either scientific
uncertainty or of negative findings challenging the prevailing consensus. The huge remainder disregard the conventions of balancing and controversy (allowing at best a short paragraph to smoking defenders), and in place of these media staples presented a dutiful and credulous account of the dangers of passive smoke. Thus a recent British report presented at a conference of the Royal Society of Physicians in London on 17 May 2004 garnered the following headlines in the British media (New Scientist, 2004):

Passive smoking numbers shock
Passive smoking kills one bar worker a week
Passive smoking is workplace killer
Passive-smoking survey reveals startling death rate
Cost of Passive Smoking on Barmaids and Waiters
Dying for a passive cigarette
One person per week dies in British hospitality industry from . . .

There you have it. They lie by omission.

Now, whatever else could this study apply to? Hmmm?

Wind turbines and solar panels?

Alcohol?

Red meat?

Trans fats? (Obesity)

Salt?

And the latest. Sugar.

Moral of this article: Question everything you read or hear in the MSM.

Grammar

2012-02-07T12:28:00.001Z

Help this woman

2012-02-06T16:10:00.001Z

Listen to her tragic story.

Tragic innit.

Give generously. NOT

Snow and motoring

2012-02-04T23:47:00.001Z

When are we going to teach people to drive in snow? I’ve just spent 3 hours on the slowly orbiting car park around London.(M25). Some of the driving defies belief. Being overtaken by idiots driving in blizzard conditions at a rate that is dangerous at the best of times is stupid. At the other end of the spectrum is the idiot who drives so slow compared with the average, that lorries appear to overtake nearing light speed.

One piece of interest was some sort of incident on the opposite carriage way. I’d love to know why there was a need for eight fire engines?

Huhne’s Downfall

2012-02-04T08:33:00.001Z

I knew one would come along.

H/T to Katabasis

Snow safety video. Public service message.

2012-02-03T19:30:00.001Z

Expecting snow? Here is a public service broadcast on how to fit snow chains to your vehicle. Keep your eyes on the tyres, you at the back!

You weren't concentrating? Well don’t blame me when you end up in the ditch.

Newspapers

2012-02-03T16:45:00.001Z

True stories:

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

2) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

3) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(TheTimes)

4) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

5) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

The Religion of……….

2012-02-02T12:27:00.001Z

Petrol.

just saying.

Killing two birds with one log

2012-02-01T21:14:00.001Z

In case you think I’ve got the quote wrong. Tough.

Hopefully I’m upsetting both of the groups below:

The first bird is the Green lobby that rant on about reducing our carbon footprint. (Should I eradicate myself, seeing that I’m a carbon based lifeform?)

Second is my energy supplier which has upped my energy charges by over 20%. (I’m waiting for their pleading letter asking me not to switch energy suppliers, which I’m in the process of doing).

What have I done to upset both groups?

I lit the open fire. (And not using that smokeless crap coal either).

All that carbon and CO2 disappearing up the chimney is visually attractive and a great comfort, in that I upset the greens in the first instance. The second is I diminish the profits of my energy supplier.

There’s nothing more satisfying than throwing another log on the pile and seeing that comforting swirl of sparks and the puff of smoke caused by it.

Groan

2012-02-01T15:03:00.001Z

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."

"Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought,
"I can get one cheaper off the web."

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

A shame

2012-01-31T21:24:00.001Z

But it had to happen to a faithful friend.

I served in the ship pictured below, eleven times.

As the first ship to sail into Stanley Harbour after the Argentinian surrender on June 14, 1982, Sir Percivale won a special place in the hearts of islanders and her crew.

And now:

Now, 28 years after Argentina invaded the Falklands, this once great servant of the Royal Fleet Auxiliary is dying by a thousand cuts.

Work on dismembering the rusting hulk in a Merseyside dry dock began in June and is already well under way.

Simon Capps, 35, sales manager of ship recycling company Leavesley International, said: ‘Many servicemen come to visit the ships we dismantle and shed a few tears.

‘All the steel goes off to China and eastern Europe and will probably come back as cars or even a can of beans in your cupboard.’ In her pomp the 5,674-tonne vessel could carry 500 troops and 50 crew.

Oh well, mustn’t dwell in the past.

ACTA: The new threat to the net

2012-01-31T11:22:00.001Z

More prohibition on it’s way.

ACTA - a global treaty - could allow corporations to censor the Internet. Negotiated in secret by a small number of rich countries and corporate powers, it would set up a shadowy new anti-counterfeiting body to allow private interests to police everything that we do online and impose massive penalties -- even prison sentences -- against people they say have harmed their business.

If you want to make a stand sign the petition HERE

~~1,217,870~~ 1,218,175 have signed. Help us get to our new target of 2,000,000.

Fancy a curry?

2012-01-30T19:50:00.001Z

Natal, South Africa, has the highest quota of Indians outside of India...
Natal curry contest.

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end.......

NOTE: If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in
Natal, you know how typical this is!

They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a
major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was
visiting from America.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry
Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and so
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all
that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BABOOS BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen,
the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg
woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them

CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I
fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice cream.

CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage
that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - NAIDOOS TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 - No Report

H/T to Dave Wheeler.

This Cat needs drowning

2012-01-29T21:33:00.001Z

The problem is that this cat is already drowning in government funding.

I was reading James Delingpole’s blog in the Torygraph when one supporter of the AGW scam mentioned certain reading. It was a so called environmental charity that I’d never heard of before

CAT
Britain's major centre for environmental inspiration and courses.

Of course you get the mindless newspeak confronting you:

Mission Statement

CAT is concerned with the search for globally sustainable, whole and ecologically sound technologies and ways of life.
Within this search the role of CAT is to explore and demonstrate a wide range of alternatives, communicating to other people the options for them to achieve positive change in their own lives.
This communication involves:

Inspiring - instilling the desire to change by practical example
Informing - feeding the desire to change by providing the most appropriate information
Enabling - providing effective and continuing support to put the change into practice.

CAT has a holistic approach to its work, integrating ideas and practice relating to land use, shelter, energy conservation and use, diet and health, waste management and recycling.
Through its resident community and work organisation, CAT is also committed to the implementation of co-operative principles and best achievable environmental practices.

As far as I’m concerned this is another fake charity trying to “nudge” us back to an agrarian society.

Of course these people will need to be funded and being of an enquiring mind I just sort of wandered around their site until I found this:

How is CAT funded ?
CAT receives almost no grant or government funding for its ongoing activities. It has received significant grants towards its new building, the Wales Institute for Sustainable Education, and for other projects. This capital funding is shown in the year end accounts of CAT Charity Limited, in addition to operating income.

But dig deeper and you find that they are somewhat economical with the truth in that statement.

This little part of a table in their accounts for 2009 exposes their little scam.

That adds up to £1,617,256 out of their total funding of £2,124,398. Hardly what they state above in their funding statement?

This is not a charity, it’s a semi government funded Quango. I don’t object to charities, but if they can’t subsist on private charity, then they shouldn’t exist.

I also dug up that before 2006 there were only four categories of charity enshrined in law.

the relief of poverty,
the advancement of education,
the advancement of religion, and
other purposes considered beneficial to the community.

Bugger me, but how that has expanded. There are now 13. and guess what comes creeping in at number 9.

the advancement of environmental protection or improvement

How many are there of those so called charities that are only existing, by being fed from my hard one income and paid from my tax?

There is a need for a small department to be set up to strip these fake charities of their funding.

I’ll do the job for a small fee. (With bonuses of course)

it’s just climate

2012-01-29T14:04:00.001Z

So they’re slowly capitulating.

The supposed ‘consensus’ on man-made global warming is facing an inconvenient challenge after the release of new temperature data showing the planet has not warmed for the past 15 years.
The figures suggest that we could even be heading for a mini ice age to rival the 70-year temperature drop that saw frost fairs held on the Thames in the 17th Century.
Based on readings from more than 30,000 measuring stations, the data was issued last week without fanfare by the Met Office and the University of East Anglia Climatic Research Unit. It confirms that the rising trend in world temperatures ended in 1997. (My embolden)

That was kept pretty quiet. The article goes on:

According to a paper issued last week by the Met Office, there is a 92 per cent chance that both Cycle 25 and those taking place in the following decades will be as weak as, or weaker than, the ‘Dalton minimum’ of 1790 to 1830. In this period, named after the meteorologist John Dalton, average temperatures in parts of Europe fell by 2C.
However, it is also possible that the new solar energy slump could be as deep as the ‘Maunder minimum’ (after astronomer Edward Maunder), between 1645 and 1715 in the coldest part of the ‘Little Ice Age’ when, as well as the Thames frost fairs, the canals of Holland froze solid.

Time to buy a new coat.

Only when it rains

2012-01-29T10:37:00.001Z

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope...just when it's raining.'

A prayer from the innocent

2012-01-28T21:06:00.001Z

How sweet.

Bugger.

Non PC Joke

2012-01-28T16:50:00.001Z

If you’ve read the warning sign at the top left side of the page and agree. Then carry on. If not, turn away now.

A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the
altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly.

The pilot speaks over the intercom ... " I'm sorry it has come
to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to
jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne ".
Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's altitude continues
to decrease. Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, "I hate to do
this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to
start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this
Alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'"

"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?" There was no
answer so the pilot calls, "Black people, are there any black people on
board?"

Again silence.

" C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?"

Still there is silence.

A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his
mother and said, "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we
coloured?"

She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers. Let
them do the Muslims first. If that don't work we is Zulus"......

How dare they call me such a name!

2012-01-27T16:38:00.001Z

The Guardian is running a quiz on how European you feel. Well not very, in my case.

Like 1% of respondents, you've been rated:
Euro-trash
For you it's time to re-arm and settle some old scores.

You can’t win em all.

Why don’t you give it a go.

The end is Nigh.

2012-01-27T11:58:00.001Z

And no I’m not a follower of this man

More scientists are realising that the climate change bandwagon is a scam, and jumping off before the last wheel parts company.

A candidate for public office in any contemporary democracy may have to consider what, if anything, to do about "global warming." Candidates should understand that the oft-repeated claim that nearly all scientists demand that something dramatic be done to stop global warming is not true. In fact, a large and growing number of distinguished scientists and engineers do not agree that drastic actions on global warming are needed.

And why have they not jumped off the wagon before?

Although the number of publicly dissenting scientists is growing, many young scientists furtively say that while they also have serious doubts about the global-warming message, they are afraid to speak up for fear of not being promoted—or worse. They have good reason to worry. In 2003, Dr. Chris de Freitas, the editor of the journal Climate Research, dared to publish a peer-reviewed article with the politically incorrect (but factually correct) conclusion that the recent warming is not unusual in the context of climate changes over the past thousand years. The international warming establishment quickly mounted a determined campaign to have Dr. de Freitas removed from his editorial job and fired from his university position. Fortunately, Dr. de Freitas was able to keep his university job.

The whole article is HERE

Climate change

2012-01-26T20:04:00.001Z

Just seen this again so thought I’d repost it.

Why do we still fund the BBC?

Unfair

2012-01-26T19:18:00.001Z

Oh My!

2012-01-25T15:55:00.001Z

Every now and again something like this comes along and is, well, a bit freaky. Simply stare at the red dot on the girl’s nose for 30 seconds, then turn to a blank wall and blink repeatedly and quickly and see what you see.

I’m off to consult a a head doctor.

H/T to

Anathema

2012-01-24T21:24:00.001Z

They nearly got me.

Sign in to comment or create your Guardian account to join the conversation

I’d rather drink battery acid.

Violinist 5 Nokia 1

2012-01-24T19:51:00.001Z

About 40 seconds in. You need moderate sound.

Rather than losing his temper, Kmit adapted the notorious Nokia theme, much to the delight of his audience.

Birds and bees

2012-01-23T21:03:00.001Z

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.

Swimming on top of the world

2012-01-23T16:38:00.001Z

Pool on the 57th floor of Marina Bay Sands Casino In Singapore !

Be careful when you do the back stroke.

The law is bollocks

2012-01-22T20:42:00.001Z

An Attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?

Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP'

Hat tip to David

Another smoker about to be jailed.

2012-01-22T10:34:00.001Z

I think we all remember the case of the Publican, Nick Hogan who was jailed for allowing smoking in his pub. Well here is another member of the public who faces jail for smoking. The full details are over at Pat Nurse’s blog.

Just £1250 will preserve his liberty. Go on visit pat’s blog and donate a quid or ten.

Beware of gadget gifts

2012-01-21T22:51:00.001Z

It all began with an iPhone...
March was when our son celebrated his 23rd birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in December, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was also in December so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in January so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I should be out of the hospital next week!!

PS: iHurt!!

Costa Concordia and AIS

2012-01-21T11:59:00.000Z

Reconstruction of the Costa Concordia Tragedy, Narration by John Konrad from gCaptain.com on Vimeo.

SATS

2012-01-21T08:05:00.000Z

To all teachers of English language, hold your breath
The following questions were set in last year's SAT examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Work.

2012-01-20T18:35:00.001Z

No matter what your job, you should always try and make the most of it.....

That envelope.

2012-01-19T20:38:00.001Z

At 1655 (Five to five in the afternoon) today my son was summoned to his boss’s office. He was politely asked to sit down and after a few pleasantries was handed an envelope. What was in that envelope at that time of day? Could it be?

The sack.

The boy however noticed that his boss had a smile on his face. (Of course it could have been an evil grin). My son opened the envelope to find…………………..To be continued.

Nah.

The note inside informed dearly beloved son (Now I'm really being stupid), that he was getting a raise in salary. Of course in these straightened times you would expect a pittance. However he nearly fell off his chair. His salary was going to rise by 20%. (He’s not a banker bye the way).

I think the reason behind this is, that his superiors value his dedication to the project that he’s working on, and reward accordingly.

Moral of this story:

If you work hard, you will be rewarded by private industry. If you don’t, you deserve to be sacked.

I wish it would happen in the public domain. One such illiberal springs to mind.

Don’t try this at home.

2012-01-19T16:43:00.001Z

Liberal. You must be joking.

2012-01-18T20:47:00.001Z

This is about a blog post by the illiberal chair of the “All parliamentary group on smoking and health”. His blog post is about the push to plain packet cigarettes into our shops.

This morning I was pleased to help launch Europe’s first major campaign to raise awareness of the dangers of glitzy tobacco packaging to children. The Coalition Government will shortly launch its consultation exercise on whether to follow the example of Australia and introduce the plain packaging of cigarettes.

Of course the commenters on his blog are totally supportive of this action he his so proud of.

Do go and read them. He is ever so slightly in the majority. (NOT).

He comes across as a typical politician that has found a band wagon to further his political career. Hopefully the wheels will fall off one day.

Do go and comment.

Oh dear. Not more problems with Wind Turbines?

2012-01-17T21:27:00.001Z

It seems that another little problem has cropped up with those pesky offshore Bird mincers, apart from already discovered:

Wind energy is taking an increasing battering, with vulnerability to storm damage, under-performance and increasing social and environmental impacts giving cause for concern.

The latest problem is “Scour”.

It also appears offshore turbine towers are more susceptible to scour than predicted, according to the latest issue (164 MA4) of the ICE’s Maritime Engineering journal.
A team of research engineers from the Technical University of Denmark report that stone armour around the 4.2 m diameter monopile foundations of the vast Horns Rev offshore wind farm in the North Sea was found to have unexpectedly sunk by up to 1.5 m.

Oh dear. This is caused by the vortex caused by the currents flowing around the base of a wind turbine.

A team of research engineers from the Technical University of Denmark report that stone armour around the 4.2 m diameter monopile foundations of the vast Horns Rev offshore wind farm in the North Sea was found to have unexpectedly sunk by up to 1.5 m.

Oops. I’ve a sneaky feeling that they might not last their projected 20 year life span.

Bye the way when are the plod going to make up their mind whether to prosecute the Huhnatic for his alleged speeding offense. if I’d been caught I’m sure I would have been prosecuted by now.

Download the sum of all knowledge

2012-01-17T18:49:00.001Z

Shamelessly nicked from Microdave and Max

Unlimited energy

2012-01-16T20:30:00.001Z

Just join two immutable facts together and we have a new source of perpetual energy.

I must rush to patent this. Be back soon.

Women rule the world?

2012-01-16T13:48:00.001Z

Just saying.

So called experts

2012-01-15T21:51:00.001Z

Save us from them.

I refer in this case to the Costa Concordia incident. I’m no expert on diesel electric propulsion but I have had extensive service on ships with that system.

Last night Malcolm Latarche, editor of the global shipping magazine IHS Fairplay Solutions, said the problem may have been caused by a phenomenon known as 'harmonic interference'.

If the vessel was travelling at cruising speed it is unlikely to have suffered this effect. This is normally applicable at low powers and is usually designed out at build. Additional safeguards are that harmonic filters are employed to negate any transient lower power risks. On my last ship we had two. One in use and another as back up.

This next paragraph makes no sense either.

The expert said the harmonic interference – a type of power surge – could have caused a malfunction in the generators feeding the ship's six diesel electric engines with which the back-up systems could not cope.

What are these generators that feed the diesel electric engines? What are the generators that supply the diesel generators? Where do they get their power from? Doesn’t make sense.

A diesel electric propulsion system consists of multiple diesel engines synchronised together. Each engine drives a generator supplying AC at say 6.6kV (Alternating current) to a synchroconverter which converts the AC to DC (Direct current) to drive the propulsion motors.

This would have caused the ship to lose navigational power and steering control and veer off course, he said.

Again this is mere guesswork. Bearing in mind that fifty per cent of the steering motors are fed from the emergency switchboard, I feel this is mere supposition. If power to the emergency switchboard is lost, an emergency generator, well away from the main machinery spaces, will automatically start and within sixty seconds be supplying the steering motors.

And

Mr Latarche added: 'Although the damage caused to the ship was severe, there are many safeguards in the design of a state-of-the-art cruise ship to prevent it turning over.
'There is a second hull within the outer hull. Inside the inner hull there is a steel structure like an ice tray to contain the water and prevent it spreading through the ship.

This intrigues me. As far as I know the only vessels required to be double skinned are oil tankers.

Before I retired we had just built four landing ships which were classified A1 at Lloyds register of shipping, which is the maximum possible certification standard. They did not have a double skin.

Much has been said of the evacuation of the vessel. In my opinion it is an almost impossible task to evacuate people who have no idea about the procedure involved. I’ve done various courses involving lifeboats and evacuation systems and realise that even those trained would find it difficult to escape given these particular circumstances.

I’m heartened to here that the number of missing is now down to 15, and that voices have been heard within the hull.

My condolence's go out to the bereaved.

Sunday silliness

2012-01-15T16:59:00.001Z

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope...just when it's raining.'

Well done ASH. You’ve saved me a fortune.

2012-01-14T19:43:00.001Z

When ASH (Action on smoking and health) bamboozled the last government into bannning smoking in Public houses, this actually was a boon to the likes of me.

Before the ban it meant that I had to drive to my local, spend a fortune on over priced beer, and indulge in talk with people I normally wouldn’t go near. (And for any publicans reading this. You brought it on yourselves when you failed to stand up to the bullies before the ban. It’s no good blaming the supermarkets for selling cheap alcohol. Your customer base has dwindled by letting me and 20% of the population down, by your avarice in expecting your premises to be suddenly filled with non-smokers).

How times have changed. I buy my beer cheaply (And Whisky) and sit quietly at home with friends, enjoying myself. The only downside is that I have to empty the ash trays.

The smoky drinky as coined by Leg-iron has come of age.

I perceive that their next attack will be to try and stop smoking in cars and homes. How are they going to achieve that, you ask? I for one will not allow any antismoking quisling anywhere near my property. Maybe they’ll try and amend the law to have MOT tests to check car ashtrays for cigarette traces. Tough shit, ASH, my car doesn’t have an ashtray. Or will they check my wheelie bin? In that case I’ll just chuck my butts in the roadside bin.

Thank you ASH.

Though they’re still sanctimonious cunts in my opinion, they can’t win. Bye the way, I see they’ve lost their government funding. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Misselling

2012-01-13T19:59:00.001Z

Let me pose a question. A young relation wants to buy her rented flat which is up for sale. Her father is on business abroad and is therefore unable to advise her all of the time. Said young relative contacts a mortgage advisor in the hope that the mortgage advisor can secure a good deal from one of the many ~~sharks~~ companies that abound.

The mortgage advisor indeed finds a good deal and the young female relative accepts it.

However the point of this post is that the young relative was advised that she should take out a comprehensive insurance package so she wouldn’t “Be a burden on her dad”(Direct quote from the mortgage adviser), if anything went wrong.

The package consisted of everything from Critical illness cover, life insurance (why? she has no dependants), unemployment cover, and more. This for the princely some of £170 per Month. All in all there were eight elements to the package. (I would have listed them all, but Mrs FE fielded the call and wrote them down whilst under the influence and I cant read all off her spider scrawl. And she can’t either. Wimmin!).

Is this misselling? I certainly think it is. Playing on the fears of a twenty three year old, is not fair game in my mind.

What do you think?

Topical

2012-01-13T13:30:00.001Z

Bacon will kill you

2012-01-12T20:54:00.001Z

In the effort to control your lives, it would seem that even the bacon butty is an evil, cancer causing, devil. From here comes this tale of death and damnation.

Eating two rashers of bacon a day can increase the threat of pancreatic cancer by 19 per cent - and the risk goes up if a person eats more, say experts.
They said the warning applies to anyone who daily consumes 50g of processed meat - the equivalent of one sausage - compared with people who eat none at all.
The extra risk jumps to 38 per cent for those eating 100g and to 57 per cent for people on 150g a day. Experts added that the lifetime danger of developing the disease is relatively low - one in 77 for men and one in 79 for women.

Well I’m going to carry on and die a horrible death from pork. However further on in the article something is amiss. I don’t know if this is the author of this articles mistake, or comes from the researcher.

The study, published in the British Journal of Cancer, is by researchers at the respected Karolinska Institute in Stockholm. They examined data from 11 separate studies involving 6,643 cases of pancreatic cancer and found inconclusive evidence on the risks of eating red meat overall compared with consuming none. (My embolden).

Phew, nothing to worry about then.

FFS why can’t these fuckwits get a life and realise that every day we take risks. just give us the facts and allow us to do what we wish.

Just look at the heading on this blog.

Nanny state. Fuck Off. First it was smoking. Then it was drinking. Then they attacked the fatties. Now the humble fair of millions is under threat. Will it never end?

I am FOIA

2012-01-12T19:55:00.001Z

Annual Apology

2012-01-12T12:06:00.001Z

Over the past few years I have posted some inappropriate pictures and jokes on this blog and I thought everyone shared the same sense of humour.
Unfortunately this wasn't the case and I seem to have upset quite
A few people who have accused me of being sexist and shallow..
If you were one of these people, please accept my sincerest apologies.

Looking to 2012 onward, I will only post content with a cultural or educational Content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting topics.

Below is a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris . It is the oldest bridge In Paris and took 26 years to build. It was completed in 1604..

The page turner

2012-01-11T14:41:00.001Z

Slightly over the top IMHO.

Why doesn’t he buy a kindle?

Even when they break they cost the taxpayer

2012-01-10T20:05:00.001Z

In a previous post about ~~Bird Mincers~~ wind turbines, I was exploring the load factors of these ~~abominations~~ wonderful creations.

Further reading of the same document on the DECC website and I came upon the estimated failure rate of offshore turbines. (It’s page 31 if you’re interested).

Table 3 estimates that, on average, an offshore wind farm could incur a failure rate of approximately 17% per year. The associated cost of repair has been estimated to be equal to £43/kW, based on total equipment cost of £520/KW, installation cost of £286/KW and cost of the single components provided by the industry within the Contact Programme.

A 17% failure rate to me is astounding. So not only have we a low load factor over the year, we also have a high failure rate. In all my years working with machinery I’ve never experienced such a high failure rate.

And it gets worse.

Over the lifetime of the plant, the rate of technical failure is expected to have a ‘bath-tub’ profile (Figure 7). It is expected to be highest in the initial stages of operation, when it has been assumed that a technology provider warranty is in place (usually for the first 5 years),
such that the developer would not incur any repair costs for this period. A 17% failure rate then holds for the first years of an onshore project’s lifetime, after which time it rises linearly to 23% (My embolden) by Year 20. This latter rise coincides with financial risk as the ROC period
ends and uncertainty about green power prices increases.

23% is huge. I’d already in a previous post investigated that the life of a turbine gearbox replacement can be anywhere up to 500,000 Euros, which are on average are barely lasting half the projected life of the turbines. It’s interesting to note that that they quote £43/kW for repair. As you can see from above, the true estimated cost looks to be ten times the cost. Worryingly, the warranty as you can see from the graph above runs out after 6 years. They are already failing after seven years. Who pays then? Most probably the taxpayer. Although further on in the DECC article they are trying to imply that binding agreements with wind turbine operators are being sought.

If you look at table 3 above you’ll also see that the failure rate for the tower is 0.4%. This differs with information I have posted before.

Roughly 600 of Europe’s installed 948 offshore turbines have been prone to grout connection failure, causing turbines to tilt within their monopile foundations. But according to some, the problem lies less with the grout itself, than with a design that relies on grout to hold the foundation and transition piece together.

The more I read the whole paper the more I see is that the authors are only writing a puff piece to assure our ~~Grimy Politicians~~ Lords and Masters, that it is the “Right thing to do”. (I wonder who loves uttering that phrase?).

I hope that when the lights start to go out in 2015, I can start using the piano wire and lamposts I’ve been hoarding in my garage. (I have surplus that you can obtain free of charge to use on your MP of choice. PS the Huhnatic is mine, all mine.) *cue maniacal laughter*

So true

2012-01-10T10:06:00.001Z

Immigration

2012-01-09T20:58:00.001Z

Just saying.

How Big?

2012-01-09T10:29:00.001Z

Just in case you need to know

Click on map to open in Browser.

H/T to terrence for sending me the link.

Worry

2012-01-08T20:37:00.001Z

A worrying thought for 2012.......
    10 years ago Bob Hope died
            5 years ago Johnny Cash died
                    A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died
                            A few weeks ago Jimmy Saville died
Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It
Let's hope nothing happens to Ed Balls.

Am I paranoid?

2012-01-08T11:09:00.001Z

As we have progressed through the end of 2011, I want to thank you for your educational comments over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the comment about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason."And I do recommend that you do that".
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling film in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan .

Also I get this. “If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump”. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY and have a HAPPY NEW YEAR

I’ve now branched out into cruise liners

2012-01-07T19:49:00.001Z

FE C r u i s e L i n e s

Now Accepting Reservations! Additional cruise information available below.

Rates and Availability

Ship Name Starting Price Days Availability

Sun Splendor $5,200.00 5 Fully Booked

Grand Voyage $6,150.00 7 Reservations Available

Horizons IV $7,091.00 10 Reservations Available

Horizons III $5,200.00 7 Fully Booked

FE Cruise Lines is excited to offer the ultimate adventure cruise, along the pirate-infested coast of Somalia .

We board our luxury cruise ships in Djibouti on the Gulf of Aden near the entrance to the Red Sea, and disembark in Mombasa Kenya , seven adrenaline-charged days later.

Reservations start at only $5,200 per-person (double occupancy, inside room) and $6,900 (veranda complete with bench rest).

You'll relax like never before !

That's because you are welcome to bring your own arsenal with you. If you don't have your own weapons, you can rent them from our onboard Master Gunsmith. Enjoy reloading parties every afternoon, with skeet and marksmanship competitions every night ! But the best fun of all, of course, is...

The object of our cruise is to sail up and down the Somali Coast waiting to get hijacked by pirates !

Weapons rentals:

Weapon Selection

$12.00
Per Day On a budget ? Rent a full-auto scope-mounted AK-47 for only $9/day with 7.62 ball ammo at $12 per 100 rounds:

$25.00
Per Day Rent a full auto M-16 for only $25/day with ammo attractively priced at $16 per 100 rounds of 5.56 armour-piercing:

$59.00
Per Day Hello! Nothing gets a pirate's attention like a Barrett M-107 50-cal sniper rifle; only $59/day with 25 rounds of armour-piercing ammo affordably priced at only $29.95.

$175.00
Per Day Want to make a real impact ? Rent an RPG for only $175/day with three fragmentation rounds included ! A true favourite among pirates. Rent one today and show you care !

Customer Testimonials

"Six attacks in 4 days were more than I expected.
I bagged three pirates, My wife nailed two,
and my 12-year old Grandson sank two boats
with the mini-gun.
This wonderful cruise was fun for the whole family"
-- Fred D., Cincinnati , OH
"Pirates 0, Passengers 32 !
Well worth the trip! Can't recommend it highly enough !"
-- Ben L., Bethesda , MD

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
Twin mounted mini-guns are available for rental
at only $450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire !

Additional Cruise Line Services

Need a spotter ? Our professional crew members can double as spotters for only $30/hour. (spotting scope included, but gratuities are not)

Also included: Free complimentary night vision equipment - and throughout the night.

Coffee, pastries and snacks are always available on the Main deck from 7pm until 6am .

Our deluxe package comes complete with gourmet meals and all rooms offer a mini-bar

OUR SATISFACTION GUARANTEE !

We guarantee you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or you'll receive an instant $1,000 refund upon arrival in Mombasa .
How can we make that guarantee ? We operate at 5 knots just beyond 12 nautical miles off the coast of Somalia, thus in international waters where pirates have no rights whatever. In fact, we make three passes through the area's most treacherous waters to ensure maximum visibility by Somali mother ships. We repeat this for five days, making three complete passes past the entire Somali Coast. At night, the boat is fully lit and bottle buckets are shot every five minutes, with loud disco music directionally beamed shore side to attract maximum attention.

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"I haven't had this much fun since Flying choppers in 'Nam ."

Don't worry about getting shot by pirates... they never even got close to the ship. With the crap they shoot and their lousy aim...

"Come on board and bag your own clutch of genuine Somali pirates !"

We’re not doomed this year

2012-01-07T12:51:00.001Z

Here’s why.

Public service. Pah!

2012-01-06T19:38:00.001Z

Last year Mrs FE contacted the Department of Work and Pensions as she was nearing the magic age of 60 (Sssshh. don’t let on that I told you this). She was duly issued with an ID number and a password to enable her to track her entitlements on line. All well and good. She managed to access her details and never thought anymore about it, till this week.

Mrs FE, now having passed 60 (Ssssshh, I tell you. Whisper), tried on Monday to log on to the website. Absolutely no luck.

Mrs FE decides that she would phone and find out why her access was refused. When she finally got through the exasperating menu system beloved by all these days (I lie), she was informed that it was the wrong number to call, and given another number. This happened to her four times. She was beginning to feel that she would end up speaking to the entire DWP. (I was annoyed as well, believe you me. I pay the phone bills).

Eventually she reached the right person. However what she was told next, left her speechless. Apparently when you reach the official retirement age, your access to your internet information is removed.

WTF. Do they think that at age 60 you’ve become senile immediately, dropped dead, or locked up in a mental institution?

I despair, I really do.

She’s done it again

2012-01-06T12:50:00.001Z

I suggest Diane Abbott gives up tweeting.

Diane Abbott was embroiled in another Twitter row today after accusing London's taxi drivers of driving past black customers………

"Dubious of black people claiming they've never experienced racism," she wrote from her iPhone on Tuesday. "Ever tried hailing a taxi I always wonder?"

I think she’s past her sell by date. Another big foot in a big mouth which will have the professionally offended up in arms again.

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

2012-01-06T10:01:00.001Z

I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

I was bored. Then became furious.

2012-01-05T19:05:00.001Z

I was just browsing the DECC (Department for Energy and Climate change) website for something to do, and came across some interesting statistics. In my view we are spending a fortune on bird mincers.

Of course you see the boast of how many they are building.

Between 2003 and 2010 there was a 143 per cent increase in generation from renewables in the UK, but faster rates of growth were recorded in Northern Ireland (652 per cent), Yorkshire and The Humber (287 per cent), East Midlands (258 per cent), North East (231 per cent) and South East (207 per cent) (see charts 11 and 12). For the individual technology groups some very large increases are recorded in percentage terms because in 2003 there was very little use of some of the technologies in various regions.

Chart 13: Annual variation in load factor¹ on an unchanged configuration basis and wind speed

The first point I’d like to make is their inefficiency. They seem to be unable to reach their, so called, load rating. As you can see from the graph above, they are incapable of reaching even 30% of the maximum rated load. In the marine industry where I used to work we would never have put up with such. When commissioning generators after overhaul they were expected to deliver 100% power. In fact for a short period they were tested at 110% of full power.

The second point is if you look at the graph again you’ll see how susceptible they are variations in wind speed.

My third point is that nowhere on the website can I find how many turbines are non-operational. (Have a look if you want).

My final point is who pays for the cost of decommissioning? Below is a small sample taken for offshore turbines

£40,000 fucking quid per megawatt. Bloody hell. Are they going to take them apart with tweezers? What’s wrong with a few kilos of semtex?

We really are being shafted.

1.The ratio of load to the maximum rated load.

Difference between Grans and Grandads

2012-01-04T19:55:00.001Z

Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Grandads is?
5 year old granddaughter is usually taken to school, daily, by her
grandfather.
When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.

That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!

"What made it different?" asked her parents:

"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!'

Can you believe it …. they sent my Census form back!

2012-01-03T14:28:00.001Z

In response to the question: "Do you have any dependants?"
I replied - "2.1 million illegal immigrants; 1.1 million crack heads; 4.4 million unemployable people, 86 thousand people in over 150 prisons; and 650 idiots in Parliament.
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer........
Whom did I miss ?

Missiles

2012-01-02T20:11:00.001Z

I’ve just been looking at the Angry Exile’s new blog and felt I would like to expand on the technicalities of a recent post of his regarding Iran’s naval boasting.

IMHO Iran is just providing a puff piece for their own internal propaganda machine. An American carrier battle group is probably the most powerful war machine on the planet. Apart from the carrier itself, the group has incredible self defence capabilities.

Normally there would be three Aegis equipped ships. typically one cruiser and two destroyers.

These vessels are armed with a range of weapons, not least of which are vertically launched standard missiles specifically designed to counter air and anti ship missile threats.

Iran is boasting that they have a stealth missile. That I would have to dispute. I suspect what they have is just a sea skimming missile that is difficult to pick up amongst the sea clutter, that plagues sea born ship’s radar.

However the carrier battle group will have an airborne Hawkeye AEW aircraft almost certainly aloft. These have sophisticated look down radars that can sort out targets from the sea clutter. This aircraft can control the battlegroup’s response to any missile or other threat.

Those assets that are controlled will have a very large arsenal of surface to air missiles available to them and will be able to ripple fire these off at the small number of sea skimming missiles that would be available to the Iranians. (You can only carry a small amount due to their size).

Finally. (I bet you’re glad now). The carrier has her own defences namely the RIM-116 Rolling airframe missile, specifically designed for defeating anti ship missiles. And as a last ditch, the Vulcan phalanx CIWS (Close in weapons system).

What do you think. Have I made my case?

PS. I’ve witnessed several phalanx firings. A hit on target every time.

An Oldie in film

2012-01-01T18:09:00.001Z

Now there are a couple of things wrong with this.

Firstly, the warship in the clip is a British type 42 destroyer, Note the Large bedstead radar, the for’d ray dome, The two Scot communication domes, and last but not least, the Mk8 4.5” gun mount on the pointy bit (Bow).

Secondly, I’ll let you tell me.

The end of blogging (2011 edition)

2011-12-31T19:56:00.001Z

Well it’s nearly the end of the year now. About time for New Year’s resolutions.

Here’s mine.

1. To blow tobacco smoke through Deborah Arnott from ASH’s car window. (I would suggest you don’t click on the ASH link. If you think I would link to them then you must think I’m stupid).

2. To drink to excess and then vomit over Don Shenker from Alcohol Concern. (Again, I suggest not clicking on the link for the reason already given).

3. To up my carbon footprint to show solidarity with China. Bugger the Huhnatic and his bloody bird mincers (You can click on these ones. Honestly).

4. Try to blog better

Anyhoo. A happy New Year to all those who visit this Blog. I hope to hear from the usual suspects who comment here, in the future. It’s my round (metaphorically). Have a large one.

Chinese Sex

2011-12-30T20:24:00.001Z

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah,
always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself...!”

*Note to self. Must get around to writing a decent blog post.

Sorry to tell you all this, but.....

2011-12-29T19:15:00.001Z

Please note ...After December, I will no longer be sending
e-mails. Thanks to the Post Office I am now going back to
licking stamps.....

Getting to grips with electronic reading

2011-12-28T22:24:00.001Z

For Christmas I was given a Kindle by my kids. I have toyed with the idea of buying one for some time, but not done so, not wishing the expenditure, on something I might not take to.

However it has taken me aback with it’s ease of use and ability to gain instant access to books that I would not normally consider.

One of the instant hits with me is that I can access the Amazon Kindle website on my computer, browse by genre, and then read the reviews on a book. Good and bad.

The beauty of it is, that if I find a book with good reviews I can download it and be reading it in less than a minute.

And that’s my excuse why my blogging has been light over the last few days. Nothing to do with good food and copious quantities of booze of course.

Drive a Nissan and do wheelies.

2011-12-27T22:18:00.001Z

Not sure of the veracity of this clip. The filming seems to be too professional to me. It;s fun to watch though.

Normality has nearly returned.

2011-12-26T19:18:00.001Z

Most of the ~~Scavengers~~ family have left to return to their homes.As usual, I completely buggered up the booze shopping before Christmas. I stocked up with a carefully drawn up list of alcohol that the visitors were known to drink. I got it wrong AGAIN.

It would seem that I’m now going to have to drink:

Two bottles of Morgan Spice rum.

Two bottles of Gin

Two bottles of Vodka.

and six bottles of red wine.

Think of me. The Horror.

Mind you they never saw the single malts either.

The Irish. Again.

2011-12-26T18:45:00.001Z

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin , decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris , he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner..... after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business!

It’s a quiet night

2011-12-25T22:36:00.001Z

The family descended en masse to FE towers today. Myself and Mrs FE were up at the crack of dawn (Oh yes really), to prepare lunch, sort out glasses, and clean out and light the fire. By eleven all the family had mustered in an orderly fashion and you would think that everything was set for a fine dining repast. WRONG. We had no holly for the christmas pud. After much discussion (About 30 seconds), it was decided to send out a search party to search for said elusive berry. After trudging for some time we were all suffering from severe dehydration and were forced to seek comfort at a local hostelry.

The host of this blog was advised that we would play a game to decide who was going to pay for the lifesaving liquid refreshment, quaintly called beer. We would play ~~Pewl~~ pool. This involved hitting a white ball with a pointy stick, and trying to hit a yellow ball or a red ball. Woe betide you if you hit a blackball with the number eight on it. I lost.

For all our ventures in finding the shrub with the red berries in our troubled search, on returning home your FE was informed that he was incompetent as the said plant grows in his garden. (BUGGER, found out).

Lunch went well. No one suffered from projectile vomiting, so mrs FE must have done something right for a change. (Now I’m really in the shit).

Now is the winter of our content. (Shakespeare).

I’m now posting this in an alcoholic, mellow mood. (Thank god fot htr splee cheker).

I’ll try and be more erudite tomorrow.

If you’re lucky.

Dear Santa.

2011-12-24T20:52:00.001Z

Please bring me beer. The kids are drinking my stocks at an alarming rate. Extra mince pies will be left out. And you can help yourself to a large single malt.

Yours truly

A soon to be beerless, Filthy Engineer.

P.S They drink Corona.

PPS. They’ve now started ~~Whining~~ on the wine.

PPPS. If they get near the whiskey, then you may only have to pass over their graves next year. It’ll save you a stop.

Santa Claus: An engineer's perspective:

2011-12-24T20:33:00.001Z

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the
world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th. of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the
speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself.
On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the Oflying¹ reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can¹t be done with eight or even nine of them Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

IV. 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance. This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth¹s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion Joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in a milli-second, would be subjected to forces of 17,500 G¹s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned
to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Just saying.

Shamelessly nicked from Subrosa

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T17:07:00.001Z

The house is filling up fast.

Nice though it is, there’s a problem. They’re drinking all the beer.

Still I suppose it’s Christmas.

~~Bah Humbug~~ Merry Christmas.

Silent night

2011-12-23T22:47:00.001Z

All is peaceful in the FE household tonight.

The shopping has nearly finished, although I need real lager as Mrs FE bought non alcoholic crap. That’s tomorrow’s pilgrimage.

I’m quietly sitting here writing my usual drivel whilst sipping a large whisky, and Mrs FE, son and partner are attempting a jig saw.

The open fire is just dying down, having given a gentle glow complete with flickers of light in the living room.

At this mellow moment I would like to wish all those who read this ridiculous blog a very merry Christmas. I’m quite humbled by how many visits per day I get to this blog, and my main sin is in not replying to some of the comments I receive. However some of the comments are far better than what I write in the articles. They leave me speechless. (Bloody good excuse).

Being a man of few words, I’ve found that writing articles on this blog has been a burden that I never thought I would manage. I really wish that I had the imagination and fluidity that others possess.

I’ve written articles about my early life in the marine industry and I’m considering writing about my my last few years in that industry, where I’ll try and highlight the changes for good or bad. (OMG. I’m in terminal ramble mode).

I might get a post in tomorrow, but I’ve got to pick up my niece in Southampton and brink her to chez FE.

And of course buy beer.

Have a very, very, Merry, Christmas one and all.

Especially David Wheeler. Thankyou.

The Nativity if it happened today

2011-12-23T22:02:00.001Z

Thanks to W from W for this.

Quote of the year

2011-12-23T21:28:00.001Z

"and then God created the orgasm, so women can moan even when they’re happy."

He’s alive.

2011-12-23T15:44:00.001Z

Red-faced U.S. Air Force officials admitted today that they accidentally shot down Santa Claus' sleigh and severely injured Santa and most of the reindeer as the sleigh hovered over a field near Edwards Air Force Base in California.

"We admit the error but we that does not alleviate Mr. Claus of his own responsibility", stated Col. Jerry Gandy, 95th Air Base Wing commander.

Gandy said that Santa is allowed his yearly trek across North America under the conditions that he clearly identify his sleigh, retains radio contact with Air Force officials and remains at least 300 yards from any airports or U.S. Air Force installations.

"I radioed my coordinates well in advance and I was just outside the 300 yard perimeter", Santa stated from his hospital bed where is listed in stable condition recovering from bullet wounds, spinal damage, bruises and contusions. "I think this was a deliberate act by the U.S. Government to prevent Christmas from happening this year".

Gandy also stated that Santa's sleigh was not clearly identifiable as it had no distinguishing identification tags.

"That's ridiculous", Santa stated. "How many other damned sleighs are there out there being pulled by a pack of reindeer?"
Hospital officials say that Santa is expected to make a full recovery and veterinary officials state the same for the reindeer, except for Rudolph.

"I'm afraid Rudolph's nose was blown off", said one of the veterinarians on condition of anonymity. "We can build him a new nose but it won't have that trademark red glow".

President Barack Obama said that he will discipline the air force officials over this outrage.
"I won’t get the Wii I asked for this year because of them", Obama stated.

I don’t believe it.

2011-12-22T18:34:00.001Z

A Tesco store at the largest military base in Western Europe has provoked outrage after failing to sell the Military Wives’ number one single.
The shop at Catterick - one of the Army's oldest and biggest bases - claimed that it was too small to stock the hit charity song 'Wherever You Are’ – which is currently outselling the rest of the top 20 combined.
But the store DOES stock Little Mix’s single Cannonball.
Staff have now been ordered to quickly order copies after customers complained they could not get hold of it.

So says the Daily Mail.

Well you can listen to it here then.

H/T to Captain Haddock for pointing me to the article.

All is not what it seems.

2011-12-22T14:34:00.001Z

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW.

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.
After all, it is ONLY A SIGN.

You may say: 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'

Answer:

A FUNERAL PARLOUR.

(WHO SAID SCOTTISH UNDERTAKERS HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)

YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!

= God Bless Scotland =

SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI

2011-12-21T19:57:00.001Z

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower

My prayer for 2012

2011-12-21T11:12:00.001Z

Dear God,
My prayer for 2012 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year.

AMEN.

Definitely non PC

2011-12-20T22:01:00.001Z

If you’re a Guardian reader. look away now.

During last night's high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, "We didn't even know they were living up there."

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low!

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds and comes to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus. You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of
breath from all his climbing.
"No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out,
"Hey, Mohammed! Two coffees!"

Friendly Holiday Advice

2011-12-20T18:19:00.001Z

Public service message.

Please, take care of yourself this Christmas. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the DVLA indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by people who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and shit like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

See. Anyone can play with statistics.

Junk

2011-12-19T19:50:00.001Z

(1) The three little words: 'Hold On, Please...'

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of
hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt. Then when you eventually hear BT's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset....you have efficiently completed your task.
These three little words could help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is then used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' salesperson to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering: If you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialled the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!

(3) When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-prepaid return envelopes, right?
It costs them more than the regular postage 'IF' and when they are returned. It costs them nothing if you throw them away!

In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-prepaid return envelopes.
Send an advert for your local chimney sweeper to American Express... They might need one!

Send a pizza coupon to HSBC... In case their canteen packs up. You get the idea.

If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them back their blank application form.... After all, it is their form!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you return.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them, and it is their envelope after all; you are just returning it!!!!

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the post, but folks....we need to OVERWHELM them, in order to stop them.

Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all
they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep Royal Mail busy. Since the Royal Mail is saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, let's help them so they will not need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- maybe you'll get very
little junk mail anymore.

Climate Realist fights back

2011-12-18T19:42:00.001Z

A couple of days ago I posted how a UK blogger going by the name of “Tallbloke” was served a court order by six of the plod and had two computers and a router removed from his house.

The warrant was executed on behalf of a request from the American Ministry of Justice, to Norfolk police.

Since then it transpires that an American Blogger over at this site, wrote a libellous diatribe accusing Tallbloke of being a thief.

of course if you visit that site now, you will only find a hastily sanitised version of the post. I was shocked when I read the original post and so would you be if you’d seen it. (Others have screen shots of the original post)

Anyway Roger (Tallbloke) is not taking this lightly as his livelyhood is at stake, so he may take the author of the post through the Libel courts for defamation.

There is a fighting fund being organised over at Watts up with that. Believe you me the donations are flooding in. If you believe that the truth about the whole global warming scam is being manipulated by a now frightened core of fanatics who will do anything to stop their religion from being scuppered, then donate what you can. I know times are hard, but every little bit counts.

That song that is playing in your head.

2011-12-18T18:50:00.001Z

Not meaning to nag. (Oh yes I am).

On sale at Amazon Tomorrow/. Priced £1.99. Go on splash out for a worthy cause.

Made me smile

2011-12-18T12:05:00.001Z

"I was going through a couple of magazines down at the local mosque and then my gun jammed".

I made a mistake. I’m so sorry.

2011-12-17T21:30:00.001Z

Stop press: FE news bulletin.

A day or two ago I wrote that santa had been shot down by an Iranian surface to air missile. I was wrong. It transpires that they were not the culprits. The real villains are exposed below in the article.

The US Air Force, NORAD (North American Aerospace Defense Command), in a gross case of mistaken identity, disintegrated Santa Clause and his 18 reindeer over Washington airspace this evening. Apparently, the heavy red man was flying over restricted airspace when he was mistaken for an intercontinental ballistic missile and was disintegrated on the spot.
The pilots of the two, F-18 Navy Hornet Fighters sent to the area say they tried to contact the object and unleashed several AIM-9 sidewinder missiles into the side of his sleigh after he failed to respond.
Volunteers who were working with NORAD Santa Tracking Operations Center (STOC) were dismayed when they had to break the bad news. Children, who were busy calling in and sending emails wanting to get a fix on Santa Claus' whereabouts before the incident occurred, were shocked to hear the news.
Those kids who were watching live, 3-D video-stream footage of the jolly saint getting blown to smithereens had it the worst said volunteers.

"What kid is going to understand that their number one hero was blown to smithereens just doing his job?" said children's advocate and author, Jonothan Kozel.

Social workers were being called in from all over Washington and locations outside the DC area to deal with the crises. Crisis centers opened throughout the city so that families could take their children for help dealing with strong emotions.

When asked again if he thought that the two Navy fighters acted in haste, Keating said, "We're a defensive organization. We have no intention of conducting offensive operations unless we're attacked. Those two fighters tried to make contact with him, but there was no response on his part. We're not even sure if that was the real Santa Clause, or a Communist impostor."

Researchers compared tonight's incident with the US Army Infantry fiasco reported earlier this month whereby US Abrams tanks blew up the Buddhas of Bamiya during a morning target practice exercise.
Researchers say that it has been too long a journey for the Fourth Century Bishop, over 1,600 years, to end up disintegrated in the sights of an F-18 aircraft.

This is a sad day for everybody.

In other news today, the US Navy has another one of their submarines in trouble off the coast of Australia. Apparently giant sperm whales are being attracted to the submarines for some reason.
Navy officials are not sure if it is the Navy's sonar that the giant whales are attracted to, or just the design, or if Cuba is feeding the giant fish large doses of Macca to stimulate it's sexual appetite to disable the subs. This issue is currently under investigation.

SOURCE

And Merry Christmas to the source.

Oh what NOW!

Confucious he not say.

I'm away.

I’m not alone

Before I die

Es ist kalt.

You what!

Green job anyone?

Mind Games

Silencing Science

Grammar

Help this woman

Snow and motoring

Huhne’s Downfall

Snow safety video. Public service message.

Newspapers

The Religion of……….

Killing two birds with one log

Groan

A shame

ACTA: The new threat to the net

Fancy a curry?

This Cat needs drowning

Mission Statement

it’s just climate

Only when it rains

A prayer from the innocent

Non PC Joke

How dare they call me such a name!

The end is Nigh.

Climate change

Unfair

Oh My!

Anathema

Violinist 5 Nokia 1

Birds and bees

Swimming on top of the world

The law is bollocks

Another smoker about to be jailed.

Beware of gadget gifts

Costa Concordia and AIS

SATS

Work.

That envelope.

Don’t try this at home.

Liberal. You must be joking.

Oh dear. Not more problems with Wind Turbines?

Download the sum of all knowledge

Unlimited energy

Women rule the world?

So called experts

Sunday silliness

Well done ASH. You’ve saved me a fortune.

Misselling

Topical

Bacon will kill you

I am FOIA

Annual Apology

Popular posts

The page turner

Even when they break they cost the taxpayer

So true

Immigration

How Big?

Worry

Am I paranoid?

I’ve now branched out into cruise liners

We’re not doomed this year

Public service. Pah!

She’s done it again

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I was bored. Then became furious.

Difference between Grans and Grandads

Can you believe it …. they sent my Census form back!

Missiles

An Oldie in film

The end of blogging (2011 edition)

Chinese Sex

Sorry to tell you all this, but.....

Getting to grips with electronic reading